Secret Sundays 12/02/06

As P Don made his pitch inspection at the civil service sports ground yesterday afternoon, Capital Canaries manager Andrew Higgins was already texting his boys to tell them not to make the trip to Chiswick. The reason for this was that Higgins had already taken a look at the pitch, and his degree in Agriculture and Land-Based studies told him that there was no way that the game could go ahead. As the following report will show, Higgins' foresight was a blessing in disguise.

As the text came through various members of the Norwich team were otherwise indisposed, and the truth is that had the game gone ahead, the yellows may not have had many players available to put London Rangers to the sword.

10.32 am

Vice-Captain Marvel Dan Taylor awakes to the bleeping of his mobile phone. He has no idea where he is although he has never previously been outside the borough of Clapham so he knows that he is in that area somewhere. As his eyes get used to the light he tenses up immediately. He realises that he has a belt tied around his neck loosely, which is also attached to the light on the ceiling. Various questions go round his head.....Why have I got no clothes on? Why have I got an orange in my mouth? Why have my genitals been stapled to a poster of Sam Parkin, the famously mis-firing Ipswich Town striker? He reaches for his phone and is relieved when he sees the game has been called off.

10.33 am

Callum Wilson is settling down to a pre-match meal of veal, snails, pain au chocolate, baguettes, onions and haggis. His wife is there, but he has forgotten her name. His daughter is there, but she has no idea who he is. Luckily for Callum it matters not, for he has his armchair, his bankers blazer and his trusty speccy glasses. Suddenly, and out of nowhere, the plug is pulled from his Scrooge McDuck-esque money vault and the coins all start spilling onto the streets of Earls Court. Wilson runs out to the vault, screaming like Tim Howard on Speed, and sinks to his knees a broken man as all around him, hundreds of Australian barmen scramble around for his hard-earned money. Well, his money anyway. Frazer's final act of the day was to look at his mobile phone, and sigh as he saw the text saying that the game was off.

10.34 am

 Meanwhile, in Eton, Barnaby Slater awoke from his slumber when his butler walked in carrying his gold-plated mobile phone on a silver platter. Once the butler had finished him off in his mouth, Slater took the time to read the messages that had come in. The first one was from his old pal Sir Marcus Digby-Smythe. The message said "Was bloody sloshed last night, can't believe you poured that jereboam of champagne all over your wee willie winkie". Upon reading the message, Slater asked his butler to remove the white sediment on the corner of his mouth, and to send a reply to Digby-Smythe telling him to "Sod orrrffffff". Slater then read the second message, and was pleased to see that the Norwich game had been called off later that day.

10.34 am

Somewhere in Britain, the 6th annual Dale Winton lookalike convention was coming to its grand finale. The dead ringers had been whittled down to the final two. On one side of the stage was one Matt Davies of South London. On the other side of the stage was Dale Winton, also of London. As the final votes were totted up, both men looked nervous, exchanging glances from across the stage. The judge, Cilla Black, famously a friend of Dale Winton - took her time in announcing the winner. Finally it was time....she opened the envelope..... "and the winner, chuck, is......Matt Davies"! The crowd erupted, Dale Winton was furious and Matt Davies opened up his mobile phone to see that the game was off. Although it didn't matter - as he wasn't playing anyway, as he had a date that afternoon with Ms Cillaaaaaaaaaa blaaaaaaaaaccccckkkk.

10.35 am

Elsewhere Tom Perrett was in his rape pit, Matt Semple was negotiating with Chris Pattern in Hong Kong, the Seech brothers were trying to work out how to spell their own surnames, Pete Harris was having a secret meeting with Will Carling and Shane Warne, Chris Gallagher was still in The Venue New Cross, Tom Boucher was attempting a jump over the great wall of China, Andy Parling was running, Rich Stephenson was being wise and Rick Utting was moonlighting as Frodos stunt double.

Thank god the game was called off.

Norwich City Vs London Rangers. 12/2/06. Match preview

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Just ask Loretta Bobbit, this weeks Capital Canaries mascot, who has agreed to come to the game in order to focus Norwich City on the beating that they need to hand out this Sunday to make up for the 2-1 reverse in the corresponding fixture late last year.

Bobitt is of course infamous for her slight over-reaction when she heard of her husband John's infidelity a couple of decades ago. However, Norwich manager Andy Higgins is confident that her presence around the dressing room will not cause any worry to his team's confidence, despite her penchant for male genitals and steak knives....

"I think Loretta is a great example of how we should stop at nothing to get revenge when we have been wronged. Earlier this season London Rangers mugged us good and proper, so I have asked Ms Bobitt to come in and explain how she cut off her husband's penis when she found out that he had wronged her and to give us some ideas on how to really turn the heat up on the opposition. If nothing else, it should teach a couple of our wannabe rockstars to keep their cocks in their pants for once. In fact, the only worry I have is that Slater may try and befriend her before the game and take his mind off the job"

On the pitch, Norwich are on a great run, unbeaten since before Christmas and having stormed into the semi-finals of the Dave Baister cup with a 5-1 beating of Birmingham City a couple of weeks ago. In that game, centre-half Gareth Howard cracked a couple of ribs, although the rumours that it was caused by the air pressure from his forrays past the half-way line have so far proven unfounded. Also out this week will be the yellows' 'bit of rough' Matt Davies. He is probably at a stag do or a Dale Winton lookalike convention.

With the squad looking strong, and a good run of results behind them Norwich will be looking to turn the screw and punish London Rangers. However, complacency is a dangerous thing, just like sucking an orange through a razorblade. Norwich must be wary of the roar of the Rangers, who will be looking for their first ever double over the Carrow Road outfit.

Unbiased Journalist's prediction: 3-1 Yellows

Venue: Civil Service Sports Ground
Kick Off: 2pm

Norwich Squad:

Bennett
Boucher
Gallagher
Harris
Higgins
Parling
Perrett
Seecharan N
Semple
Slater
Stephenson
Taylor
Utting
Wilson

Norwich City 5 : 1 Birmingham

When a team strolls to its fourth consecutive win, amassing 16 goals in the process, team selection should be a foregone conclusion. This wasn’t the case however for Norwich tyrant Higgins, who with no fewer than 4 first team regulars returning, was left with several awkward decisions to make. Make them he did, and sticking to the team that destroyed Crewe the previous week, he named an unchanged line-up.

 

This meant that for Parling, Boucher, Stephenson, Seecharan, and Harris a place on a very strong bench was awaiting them – and believe me the durability of the said bench was tested fully with the complied weights of the portly looking five far in excess of a Rick Waller / Michelle McManus Duet.

 

With the game kicking off in near perfect conditions, Norwich didn’t get off to the flyer that in previous weeks has seen games won even before Harris has had the chance to smoke his customary 4 first half cigarettes.

On a narrow and short pitch they struggled to dominate Birmingham, whose 4-5-1 formation stood up well to Norwich’s 3-5-2, which meant that in the opening exchanges defender Howard found himself playing a support role in midfield, a position he acclimatised to as a whale takes to the Thames.

 

However fears of an Exeter style tactical calamity were slightly eased, when Taylor opened the scoring.

Rick Utting delivered he’s first perfect ball of the afternoon, and the handsome Taylor shrewdly lost his marker, notching he’s sixth of the season with a textbook header (You’re right, 6 for a centre back? that is good).

 

Where in previous weeks Norwich have built on early gains to see off opponents, this time Birmingham coped admirably and fought their way back into the game. 10 minutes before the interval, they were thrown a lifeline, when caught with his Y-Fronts firmly down Higgins cynically conceded a penalty.

With Perrett busy signing autographs for 13year old girls, Birmingham broke down the right, where a low delivered cross was met by the hand of god (as he likes to be known in the bedroom), and Higgins misdemeanour was penalised.

Lucky to stay on the pitch the cute blonde protested but to no avail, with the spot kick levelling things up at 1-1.

 

Half Time.

 

Feeling the mangers wrath Perrett was given the opportunity to further he’s relationships with the autograph hunters joining them on the sidelines and making way for Boucher, to add some northern grit into midfield.

 

Early exchanges in the second half were few and far between, so it was apt the goals third game was set up by an error. Scuffing the ball from a goal kick, the keepers poor clearance was controlled well by Gallagher, who breaking clear rounded the keeper and finished coolly, leaving him to celebrate knowing he’d fully earnt that evening’s pop-corn chicken feast.

Birmingham inevitably came forward creating good pressure in midfield, but they found it hard to release the final through ball, and to find their forward who was firmly tucked in Taylor’s pocket.

 

Not so assure of his teams fate though, and perhaps fearing a Birmingham equaliser and the possibility of having to break sweat in extra time, Bennett sealed the tie with a tidy finish from another Utting corner. He’s first chance was blocked well by the defender, but when the ball broke back to him Bennett’s left foot swinger connected sweetly with ball lodging in the far left top corner.

 

Soon after this the game was finally decided when Boucher finished off a great Norwich move. Superb work from Callum Wilson released Utting with a back heel, whose pace took him to the by-line, and cutting the ball back superbly Boucher timed he’s run well, calmly nutmegging the keeper.

 

Muttering “I’m better than this shit, do they not know who I am?” Slater joined Pat Butcher on the sidelines - making way for Parling who immediately announced himself by conceding a free kick with a shrug of he’s narrow shoulders.

 

Stephenson soon followed at the expense of a disappointed Gallagher, still hoping to win his first header of the season.

 

With a more ‘experienced’ forward line looking for Norwich goals, Birmingham could afford to throw men forward safely in the fact that the leisurely attackers wouldn’t catch them out. However looks can be deceiving and when Stephenson broke clear he won Norwich another corner.

 

Tired of setting up goals, and tired of scoring them, Utting and Taylor let their body doubles Boucher and Davies get in on the act. Boucher nonchalantly swung in the corner to the six yard spot, where Davies completed the afternoons scoring with the ladies favourite stooping to the head clinically past the keeper.

 

The final whistle soon followed and trailing off to the clubhouse Norwich celebrated by watching HMP Stoke vs. HMP Rangers fight for the right to get knocked out in the next round.

 

Post match celebrations were slightly soured with the news that keeper Semple had been offered and accepted a lucrative contract in the Far East, and that Perrett a la Sol had shacked up in Barrymore’s pad with he’s new 13 year old braced lady friend, amid fears of a breaking story in Mondays ‘Sun’.

 

Good game well done and that. Don’t ever vote me mom again. 8pm on a Wednesday just to write this shit. Also haven’t read it back, so if it’s borderline artistic/autistic please forgive me.

 

I love you all,

Love,

Dan.

 

Dave Baister Cup: Semi-Final Draw

High tension at an undisclosed location nr Soho Square. Despite the general mood pervading the league that it was "business as usual" for perennial league-toppers Hibs and Glasgow Rangers, last year's finalists Norwich City and Division 2 tearaway leaders Manchester United, there is just something about the "magic" of the cup, evident in the cheeky schoolboy grins and unbridled excitement of the clubs' representatives at the draw!

Having squirreled tirelessy behind the scenes to bring some glamour to this year's Cup proceedings, League Secretary Nick Seecharan proudly introduced to the hushed and expectant audience, 2006 regional Miss UK finalists, Miss Scotland, Miss Essex and Miss Surrey to officiate the draw.

First out of the Hat ... London Hibs, drawn by Miss Scotland. Furrowed brows in the Hibs camp, at the prospect of having to organise the "home" tie. Second out of the hat, courtesy of Miss Essex ... Norwich City! Cheers ring out from the Glasgow Rangers delegation, further furrowed brows in the Hibs camp - despite beating Norwich City in last year's final by a country mile, their 2 shock defeats at the hands of City during this campaign remain the only games Hibs have lost since March 2004.

Third out of the hat, courtesy of Miss Surrey ... Glasgow Rangers, who will host Manchester United. Despite their initial euphoria, Glasgow Rangers later admit, "there are no easy games in the Cup", reflecting on their slimmest of victory margins versus Stoke in the Quarters, where an equaliser in the dying seconds of inury time allowed them to sneak through on pens. Manchester United's delegation respond coyly, stating "We're just happy to be here -we didn't care who we got", deftly throwing open their strategic tool-box with an early attempt at lulling the opposition into a fall sense of security! Cup magic continued into the evening with each Miss UK hopeful swiftly adopting a camp of their choosing, and the melodic snatches of feverous ingoing/ outgoing texts wafting through the air ... all the way to Wembley one imagines (if Matt Davies ever finishes building it!)

London Hibs v Norwich City
Glasgow Rangers v Manchester United

Good Luck Chaps. "Victory comes to those who want it the most" (EA Sports!)

Notes from Abroad. 01

Ex-east end bruiser and CCFC speed merchant, "Stubbsy" takes time out from early retirement in the Sun and running his ex-pat pub and chip shop to send the boys a message from the Costa del Sid:

"Great site Nick, have read pretty much right through! Looks to be building towards another successful season. Can't wait to re-join the fold. Looking like mid-way through next season at current rate...

Things are going well over here. Footy season kicks off in April so just starting pre-season training etc - is still way to hot to play during the day though to be honest!

Here's a couple of pics to choose from if you want to start a 'Capital Canaries abroad' section for the website, am sure Botha and Church could provide other global images... say hello to the rest of the squad. All the best from Sydney. "

Major? Bryan? Time to step up to the plate!

Big Game Warm ups need big (game) Stretches ..

Big Game Warm ups need Big Stretches
Originally uploaded by Nick Seecharan.

.. and Barney looking particularly focussed - or is he just searching for the rest of his female fan club (besides his Mum!?). Not quite what the rest of the team had in mind, when he bragged pre-match about bringing a coach-load of his b*tches to witness another accomplished performance in the middle of the park ..

"Shadows of Gods, fellas ... shadows of gods!"

Big Game warm-up
Originally uploaded by Nick Seecharan.

CCFC in the Semi's - Could this be the year we step out of the shadows?!

EoTT

The boss pondering his half-time pep-talk

The boss pondering his half-time pep-talk
Originally uploaded by Nick Seecharan.

Whatever he said, it worked! 1-1 at half time, but rolled home 1-5 winners. Great effort Lads - bring on the Semis!

ps - what's Gallagher looking for out there on the left?

Mid-Season Stats

A few quick mid-season stats for the number monkeys (and some motivation for the rest!) ...

NOTE correction below (*) .. apologies to Higgins for the omission of 2 caps (darn .. I f***d with the wrong man ... "cushion, gloves, hat please" for the rest of the season ...)

Top Scorers

Davies - 14
Gallagher - 11
Slater - 6
Taylor - 5
Wilson - 4
Stephenson - 3
Perrett/ Utting - 1

MotMs

Gallagher/ Parling/ Taylor/ Wilson - 2
Utting/ Slater/ Semple/ Howard/ Davies - 1

Ever-Presents

Gallagher/ Perrett - 14/14
Taylor/ Higgins* - 13/14
Utting/ Wilson/ Slater - 12/14

Caps

Higgins - 147
Semple - 113
Seecharan N - 73
Harris - 52
Davies - 46

Mid-term report? Keep up the excellent work Lads!

Match Preview - Norwich City v Birmingham City. 29/1/06

Is this the biggest game in the Capital Canaries' history? There are arguments to say that it is...

Sure, last year's cup final was huge - and a great day out, but the fact was that the yellows were massive underdogs that day as they faced a Hibernian team who had swept all before them for the previous two years. That day the performance was outstanding from Norwich, but the quality was not quite there.

This weekend the capital Canaries face Birmingham City in the Quarter-Final of The Dave Baister Cup. As things stand Andrew Higgins' men sit in second place in the Apfscil league on a run of three successive victories culminating in an 8-2 victory over Crewe Alexandra at the Civil Service last week. Norwich are top of the form table, Higgins has just won manager of the month and their veteran stopper Peter Harris is back from his honeymoon in Australia. The fact is that at the moment, Norwich City are joint favourites to lift the Dave Baister trophy at even money alongside Hibernian.

Many pundits have been talking about their respect for the way Norwich City have changed their style and formation this season, and stuck with what they believe in despite some disappointing early results. This week Alan Hansen said... "Defensively they are sound, they have a solid back three marshalled expertly by Daniel Taylor, a player I very much admire".

David Pleat was also heard to say "I admire their blend of youth and experience, Higgins has put together a side capable of challenging for the league next season, and with one or two additions in key areas there is no reason why they cannot rule the Apfscil for the next few years"

And in Swindon, Ron Atkinson took time out from his new television documentary to say.... "There is one thing I like especially about the Capital Canaries squad but I don't know if it's in my best interests to tell you what that is".

So why is this the biggest game in the club's history? The answer is simple - they now have the quality, the desire, the drive and the opportunity to win this trophy and lay down a marker to the rest of the division that the yellows will be a force for the next decade. However, no cup games are easy - and the team must take this opportunity to show the doubters that nothing will get in their way and that they have a true "winning mentality".

Venue: Fullers Sports Ground, Chiswick
Kick-Off: 2pm

Squad (From)

Bennett
Boucher
Davies
Gallagher
Harris
Howard
Higgins
Parling
Perrett
Seecharan N
Semple
Slater
Stephenson
Taylor
Utting
Wilson

Jealousy gets them nowhere!

I dunno, you put a run together and your manager wins high profile accolades .. you think they'd be happy for you, right? WRONG! Human nature being what is, they can't stand to see our success, and the mud has already started flying our way - a comment received by the club secretary this morning:

"More a casual question. Why do the Naarwich City squad refer to each other by surname during matches? Did ye all go to a posh private school near Sandringham?"

There's only one way to respond to such slander lads ... and that's on the pitch! (Even though ... errrrrr... I did go to a posh private school near Sandringham! Sshhhhhhhhhh)

Strength and honour.

Dean Who?

APFSCIL League Division 1, Sunday 22^nd January 2006

 

Crewe Alexandra 2 Capital Canaries 8

 

Norwich line-up: Semple, Higgins, Howard, Taylor, Bennett, Slater, Perrett (sub Stubbs 60), Utting, Wilson, Gallagher, Davies

 

It was an early start for Norwich’s 13^th man. Pete Harris, fresh from a hemorrhoid-inducing 26 hour flight back from his honeymoon in Australia, touched down at Heathrow, ditched the new Mrs Harris and hotfooted straight to Chiswick to focus his attentions on the Canaries’ march up the table.

 

“I mean I love her to bits. Well I married her didn’t I? And she does a mean finger buffet!” he winked to his team mates. “But 3 bloody weeks! I had to get back here, I tell you. I’m too much of a man’s man for poncing round vineyards” he said massaging tan maximiser into his newly waxed chest. Suitably moisturised, and with an extra cushion, Harris took his place on the bench alongside the chameleon Mike Stubbs, who is now living with Rick Utting.

 

Now this was a game the old Norwich could have lost. Crewe were always going to be up for it after drawing with Hibs last Sunday but with the new Utting warm-up regime, competition for places all over the park, and the spice boys’ jacuzzi closed for industrial cleaning, it wasn’t going to happen this time.

 

Slater signalled his intent in the first 2 seconds, kicking the tracksuited Crewe playmaker, Jim Jam, straight up in the air from the kick-off. (It was enjoyable to see roles reversed later in the game) Moments later, Gallagher was released down the inside left channel before being crudely chopped down on the edge of the box, and from the resultant free kick, Tom Perrett sent a curler just past the angle.

 

The passing, movement, marking and closing down was top class. Frazer worked tirelessly to keep shackles on the pyjamaed one in the midfield, freeing up Bennett and Slater to express themselves. Both wingers were willing runners, and Higgins and Howard at the back managed to keep Alex’s 3 main goal threats, Wadey, MacDonald and the alcoholic Dan Taylor, in check the few times the ball went down their end.

 

The yellows didn’t have to wait long for their first, (or their third) as Matt Davies completed a hat-trick in 5 minutes. He volleyed in a loose ball that the man on the line couldn’t keep out, then converted a penalty (No, Chris. No!) after the Crewe defender parried a Rick Utting strike off the line, then buried a deft Bennett miscontrol for the third.

 

Davies’ and City’s fourth came 10 minutes later. He exchanged passes with Perrett and Slater in midfield before being released into the box. The keeper saved his first effort but he followed up tucking the ball inside the far post.

 

Up the other end of the pitch, Taylor finally got the better of Higgins, slipped in his own vomit and neatly played in the Crewe frontman who lifted the ball past Semple in the Norwich goal, leaving Howard to jump feet first into the back of the net just a couple of minutes after the ball got there.

 

Davies rounded off the half, released by Gallagher on the left. Beating his man, he cut inside, and with 3 better-placed Norwich players screaming for the ball, gave keeps the eyebrows and stroked it inside the near post.

 

Into the second half and more of the same from City. The next goal came when Davies nodded on a long ball from Frazer for his apprentice to finish tidily. Crewe then nicked one back as Higgins and Semple got in a mess from a corner and let a softy in.

 

Gallagher, the first ever electronically-tagged APFSCIL player not to play for Stoke or Glasgow Rangers, quickly added Norwich’s seventh, tidily lifting an Utting cross over the keeper from a tight angle. He sprinted back to the centre circle muttering under is breath “Goal of the game, definitely f****** goal of the f****** game. F***  the lot of you, you c****! Goal of the f****** game!” And it probably was.

 

The scoring was rounded off when sub Stubbs sent Slater clear (and clearly offside possibly) on the right. The pale playmaker whipped a raking, unplayable cross 80 feet in the air to be met by a firm Davies header at the far post. That was the double hat-trick for the striker, a feat not achieved in the APFSCIL league since Matt Davies did it in 2003/04.

 

“It’s all about the win and the team. I don’t care about personal tallies. I don’t even look at goalscoring charts, honest.” said Matt ‘Six Machine’ Davies as he folded himself into a charcoal grey Porsche driven by a rather cute petite blonde. “And it’s nice to be back on the back pages again. The 3am girls can **** my ****”

 

                                                -----------------------------

 

Norwich Scorers: Davies (6), Gallagher (2)

MotM: Davies

 

Oh, and Barney pulled a lesbian last Friday

 

Think you got passion?

Think again ... you may be good, but you're playing in the shadows of (capital canary) gods! Guess what number Lee played in for CCFC (86 Goals in 120 odd appearances)?!

G & D, lads!

Elliot Boot wins euro millions

It has recently transpired that Barnaby Elliot Boot the Third (aka Barney Slater) has won £80 million pounds on the euro millions lottery. This, of course, is small change to Slater whose father, generously giving up his time having been busy knobbing Debbie Harry, said "I knew my daughter Barney would come good.  I always knew she would make it big ever since she completed her Barbie collection at the age of 16".

 

Slater who had previously worked as a boom holder for crap TV programmes, has now pledged asubstantial amount of his winnings to her mothers fight for justice.  Mrs Slater is still at war with the legal team of John Leslie (Ill tell u what love dont shag him then!!).  Leslie claims she came onto him, so do half the guests at Slaters party!

 

Slater, now the second richest woman at Norwich just behind Gaffer Higgins said "I have always been rich, but now im filthy rich.  My parents have never been so proud.  They have informed me however that if I shag a z list celebrity and tell my kids and their friends about it I can climb up even higher in their estimations".

 

Slaters availability has been called into question also, not because of the lottery win, just because he's shit.

Breaking News - Gallagher NOT dead

Contrary to earlier reports, Norwich City 3rd team striker Chris Gallagher is not actually dead. It is believed that he made an attempt to fake his own death which only failed when he was spotted breathing during his own post mortem.

When his stomach was seen moving up and down doctors removed a thin latex layer from the face to reveal that it was not in fact Chris Gallagher but actually Dermot Gallagher in a Chris Gallagher mask. Dermot Gallagher is currently being questioned by the police.

Chris Gallagher is still at large. It is believed that he is a threat to everything except the top goalscorers charts and should not be approached.

Gallagher dead

It is a tragic day for the APFSCIL league. Norwich city's reserve team striker Chris Gallagher has been killed whilst out practicing his shooting underneath the overhang of his estate in Woolwich, South East London.

It is believed that Gallagher was trying to hit a part of the wall that he had not previously daubed with anti-Matt Davies graffiti, a space that made up about 12 cm square. As Chris got more and more frustrated with his woeful attempts, he decided to end his practice session at about 1.34am this morning.

As he left he went to pick up some of the fast food wrapping that he had left on the floor with his bong, spliffs and flick-knife without realising that he had accidentally tied his own shoelaces together. As he bent down, he tripped and as he tried to protect the remains of a bacon double cheeseburger in his left hand and some Popcorn chicken (TM) with his right, he landed head first on the kerb next to his burnt out ford fiesta.

He was killed instantly. Gallagher's body was not found until 4pm this afternoon though despite the fact that all of his family will have walked right past it this morning on the way to the dole office. This is a matter being investigated by the police. We have no more information on the incident at this time.

Higgins opens scoring for 2006!

23.01.06

Veteran manager Andy Higgins started the year in style, winning The APFSCIL League's Manager of the Month award in style, with a 100% victory record including memorable wins over the division's top two title challengers.

Higgins said when receiving the award "Thanks".

Rumours linking the big red squirrel as a replacement for Graeme Souness as Newcastle manager have been laughed off by the man himself. He said "I laugh at those rumours like my wife laughs at the size of my pee pee"

Meanwhile, Norwich's midfield pairing of Thom Perrett and Barnaby Slater were today seen walking into the offices of Clare Rayner in London. It is believed that they have both recently split up with their girlfriends and that their manager Andy Higgins has paid for them to get the therapy needed to overcome their fear.

We will update you with news as we hear it

'Mimetic poly-alloy' fuss-ball!

APFSCIL Division One, Sun 15th Jan, 2006

Stoke City 2 Norwich City 4

"Gallagher I just couldn't do it to my girlfriend, well she's currently not my girlfriend you see, we're on a break she want's time and space and I'm prepared to give it to her and......." Oh fucks sake Slater shut up. Be a man like Perrett and shag anything that cooeying moves! By the way Tom thats the only compliment youll get here. An arduos trip to Frazers house for a lift to the game for Gallagher having to listen to the ramblings of a man who refused a poor young bubblegum girls pleas to be done from behind by the pale one. Only a look at Perrets mobile to see the state him, and prospective signing Rico Time, were in the previous night gave me any joy at all.

Seeing a gang of hoodies, smoking the biggest spliff I've ever seen, right outside the club house in Saddam Road would only to serve to strike fear into the hearts of lesser men than Captain Callum and his gang of rockstar wannabees. Inhaling some of their fumes though managed to calm down Perrett and Slater who were still a bit mystefied having seen Rico's black dong being thrashed around in their jacuzzi at an ungodly hour of the morning.

Anyway the match, no wait I nearly forgot that in the warm up Slater threw a few in his own net. Bloody hair got in his eyes didn't it, a new alice band should do the trick.

Manager Andy Higgins took a bold step in changing the tried and trusted 352 to a 352 only with the fith midfielder playing in front of the midfield as preferred to the back four. Would this kamikaze approach pay off? Do bears shit in the woods? Norwich started the match the better side, mainly because they are and a super through ball by Callum released a rejuvenated Gallagher down the left channel. Skipping past the 50 year right back was not easy but finishing in the corner from an angle past the hapless keeper was. 1 - 0 Norwich.

Expecting a rout and believing the hype that has surrounded the club since bashing the 'invincibles' (Hibs) TWICE, Norwich ended up conceding a sloppy goal to bring the scores level. Schoolboy error.

With half time drawing near, a small chav in the stoke team decided to kick the ball away for the 100th time with no punishment from the ref, so Gallagher decided it was a good idea to barge the 4 foot wonder. Little did he know the other 10 stoke players, who were more reminiscent of basketball than football players, would come and throw punches. Two hit Gallagher. Rephrase two poofs hit Gallagher, no one was not Slater! They must have been as Gallagher was not moved an inch, probably because he was in a headlock! Before all hell broke loose the ref called for half time with the scores level.

Half Time 1 - 1.

At half time Norwich mused whether to walk away from all the aggro. "No way we stay and play these off the park" was the rallying call of our braveheart skipper. Rich Stephenson muttered something about inches. Bored of hearing the speech again Higgins promptly subbed him! Andy Parling also came into the fray replacing Nick Seech.

Matt Davies, on for Rich and fresh from his latest modelling assignment, scored straight from the restart. A good strong finish past keeps. The second half was a fierce contest and with both Slats and Stokes keeps making saves the next goal could have gone either way. Unfortunately it went to Stoke. A good long range strike that had Barnaby Elliot Boot the third beaten all ends up, fair play. 2 - 2.

Norwich needed to up the tempo and play more football. So they did. Midway through the second half, Davies, shocked at being left out because of jealousy from the players about his superior good looks, scored another. Who cares if he was offside, not me! A cool finish past keeps into the top corner.

All that was left was for Danno Taylor to score what is now becoming his obligatory goal from a corner. Good delivery from Perre..... whoa nearly gave him another compliment. 4 - 2. I wont even mention here the chances I brilliantly set up only for Davies to kill some wildlife in the trees behind the goal.

Norwich won the game because they are better. Simple

MOTM Gallagher bloody right as well.

'04/'05 league and cup double winners get a different kind of double!

Division One

Norwich City 2 London Hibs 1

Sunday, 08 January 2006

The players in the Norwich dressing room looked fit, healthy and raring to go after the Christmas break - surely the wrong dressing room, not a mince pie and brandy gorged body to be seen, truly a lean, mean, Hibs caning machine. All was looking good for an unprecedented double over Hibs. At least until warm-up time when it was discovered that Callum 'Captain Marvel' Wilson's butler had forgotten to load the footballs in to the Land Rover. But even this was turned to an advantage when Gallagher's usual "boot as many balls miles high, wide and handsome as possible" pre-match routine was traded in for a proper warm up, Shock. Horror.

First Half

Straight from the kick off it started to go wrong for Hibs. The Norwich boys showing who wanted it more, immediately dispossessing the Hibs front 2 and setting the tone for most of the first half.

Norwich were on top of things easily in the first 10 minutes, winning the 50-50 balls and spraying it around with aplomb, the midfield finding the runs of Stephenson and Gallagher who forced the surprisingly agile Hibs keeper to pull off some good saves.

It wasn't long before the pressure paid off, from a corner on the right hand side, whipped in dangerously by Perrett. The ball fell to Taylor, perfect control and a dash to the by-line mugged the defender all ends up and all the hapless Hibee could do was bring Taylor down. Penalty, and thoroughly deserved. With Davies on the bench, the penalty was anyone?s. Have we ever seen Gallagher move so fast? How come the whole team let him take it? Will he ever take another? Needless to say, it was a great save. Well, it was saved.

This should have been the wake up call Hibs needed and briefly it was, very briefly. However, God was dishing out a harsh kind of justice today and Gallagher was in the firing line. The curse of the gashed head struck again in a Norwich v Hibs clash.

On came super sub Davies, not only devilishly handsome but now sporting double hard bastard head scars too. Game on. More Canary pressure ensued, some magical pass and move football being demonstrated by the yellow midfielders had the Hibees at sixes and sevens, (A green shirted fella, I think it?s a fella, calling himself Rico was heard mentioning how much better we played without the man himself, Barnaldinho. Surely just sour grapes from a jealous flatmate?)

After a solid 5 minutes of champagne footy a free kick was earned, miles out, slightly left of goal. I mean miles, well 30, 40, 50 yards. Perrett stepped up and bent one ?right into the danger zone?. Missed by the now infamous hapless defenders and as Taylor hit the breaks and let it fly right by, the ball nestled into the far corner. 1-0 a quality finish, and meant.

This did wake Hibs up and they started to threaten the yellow goal, bringing some questions to a so far untested debut keeper and boy did he have the answers. Leaping gracefully to tip a vicious shot over the bar and not long after, showing astute awareness to let one hit the post and rebound to safety.

The game had seemingly evened out, but it was again the Canaries who made the most of their chances, Davies picked the ball up showed some silky touches and split the Hibs defence with a pass for Utting to go one-on-one with the keeper and slot coolly past him in to the corner. 2-0. Half time swiftly followed. Hibs rattled, had a half time rant and blaming session.

Second Half

As expected Hibs came out strongly, forcing a couple of corners and for the first time beginning to stretch the Norwich defence. However, Norwich still showed both resilience and flair for the counter-attack and a swift passing move down the left wing and dangerous ball across the six yard box was narrowly missed by Boucher at the end of a 45yard run. Twenty minutes in to the half and starting to panic, Hibs lofted a long ball towards their striker who was still hiding in Taylor?s pocket. Unfortunately he?d been there so long Taylor forgot there was no need for a quick clearance attempt, and swung to volley away, with the ball taking a mid air bobble, before slicing off the outside of his foot and flying in for an own goal. 2-1

Buoyed by the lucky goal, and realising that another Taylor own goal was their most likely route to an equaliser, Hibs persuaded Richardson to brave the rain and wind, and climb out of Taylor?s pocket. But Norwich, reacting the correct way to the minor setback, took control again spreading the play down the wings when going forward and defending in numbers when rarely on the back foot, Higgins mopping up anything that came through and launching new Canary attacks.

15 minutes to go and it was time for a sighting of the much-maligned Bennett who came on for Stephenson, showing cool calm nonchalant touches to hold the ball up. Wilson, Boucher and Parling kept a grip on the midfield, Utting ensured the whole team kept driving forward and Davies kept the game interesting to the end by ballooning over when it was easier to score. A deserved victory for Norwich ? especially as they scored all the goals.

Final score 2-1

MoTM: Howard

Another unbeaten run bites the dust!

Division One

Aberdeen 0 Norwich City 2

Sunday, 11 December 2005

Team: Semple, Higgins, Taylor, Harris, Utting, Slater, Boucher, Wilson, Utting, Stephenson, Gallagher. Subs: Seecharan T, Seecharan N, Howard.

Fresh on the back of the previous week's inept performance against Exeter the Norwich contingent were hoping the inconsistency that?s plagued their season would not strike again, and the Jekyll to last weeks Hyde could halt Aberdeen's 100% start to the campaign.

Theme of the day was back to basics, including the simplest of tasks like turning up on time. Last weeks shambles saw a quarter of the team come straight off the team bus and onto the battlefield, so when Higgins took a call from a local officer of the law on behalf of a team member fears were rife again?

Police officer: "There's terrible traffic on Putney Bridge, and a Mr Rick Utting has asked to pass on the message they'll be late"

Andy Higgins: "What's the hold up? Can I send my private chopper to pick them up?"

PO: "Not possible I'm afraid. A man claming to be Tom Perrett is depressed and threatening to kill himself in the middle of the bridge".

AH: "Why? I know he's bad, but not that bad?"

PO: "No. He says he's so depressed about being caught cheating that he's stopped in the road, threatened to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, fans hate him, his teammates hate him, and now he's lost his job and is totally bankrupt? I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

AH: "Oh, really?, how much have you collected so far?"

PO: "So far only 18 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning".

Fortunately Perrett was 'talked down', and managed to take his place in the starting eleven, with the final pre match worry taken care of when Slater's hairdryer ensured his socks were heated up to the optimum 70 degrees as recommended by his spiritual advisor Dr Hans Zarkoff.

Kicking off the game at exactly 2pm not a second later, the female contingent within the crowd immediately left when they realised the enchanting Matt Davies was absent due to modelling commitments. So it was left to the extra ordinary looking forwards of Gallagher and Stephenson to take up the reigns. They wasted little time in pressing the Aberdeen defence at every opportunity, closing down space and time, ensuring the Scots had little option but to hit hopeful balls to their forwards. This played into the hands of a Norwich team, whose superb defence marshalled by the handsome Taylor coped effortlessly with the threat. Repeatedly they won the ball allowing the wide midfielders of Utting and Perrett to receive possession and dictate play.

It was surprise to few then when after 15 minutes Norwich created the first opening of the game. Tidy build up play from Callum Wilson saw his measured pass find Utting in space on the left, beating his man the left winger superbly found Gallagher at the far post, and while most of the team turned away thinking a goal a foregone conclusion, they hadn't expected Gallagher to do the same, and taking his eye off the ball he contrived to head the ball into the ground and over the bar, an angle that mystifies to the same extent as the Kennedy assassination bending bullet.

Half Time 0-0.

Far from dwelling on missed first half opportunities Norwich pushed for another opening, creating several chances that the Aberdeen keeper kept out. An outstanding 35-yard shot from Higgins that the phrase 'pile driver' was surely invented for resulted in a corner that broke the deadlock.

As expected this shook Aberdeen into life, who sensing their 100% record at stake, switched formation, trying to break Norwich's stranglehold with shear weight of numbers upfront. Norwich coped well, with support from midfield picking up the extra forwards, and despite having the majority of possession for a 20 minute spell, Aberdeen rarely looked like carving out a clear chance as Norwich?s defence held firm.

The outcome of the game was finally decided with a moment of brilliance that brought Aberdeen's spell to an end. Good work by Utting in the far left corner of the pitch resulted in he?s cross being met by Gallagher, who brought the ball down well and found the supporting Slater. The midfielder had a little work to do, having shrugged off a challenge he found the ball under he?s feet, but with no back lift managed to 'spoon' the ball over keeper and defender and into the top corner of the goal.

Nonchalant celebrations, bordering on the arrogant ensued, and Norwich saw out the rest of a mist filled game. Although having swallowed Slater's second blow of the game Aberdeen rarely looked like threatening in the remaining 20 minutes.

Full Time 0-2

Norwich weren't through for the day as post match celebrations coincided with their Christmas party. Fortunately there were no fire extinguishers, no Joey Barton wannabe's or Ray Parlour-esque antics for the remainder of the night. Although there was a slight moment of unease when Tom Perrett nodded suggestively at a nervous waitress upon receiving his dinner, those nearby could hear the dishevelled beauty commenting to the waitress "I'm really looking to getting this bird down me?" Unsure the waitress left, and the incident thankfully passed.

Great Result for the Capital Canaries, fully deserved and all those present can be proud of the effort they put in. Happy Xmas had by one and all, although Ellen MacArthur getting anywhere near the top sports personality award slightly tainted the day. "Personality"? Exactly. One posh idiot stealing the headlines today was enough. Good game Lads.

MoTM: Taylor