Dean Who?

APFSCIL League Division 1, Sunday 22^nd January 2006

 

Crewe Alexandra 2 Capital Canaries 8

 

Norwich line-up: Semple, Higgins, Howard, Taylor, Bennett, Slater, Perrett (sub Stubbs 60), Utting, Wilson, Gallagher, Davies

 

It was an early start for Norwich’s 13^th man. Pete Harris, fresh from a hemorrhoid-inducing 26 hour flight back from his honeymoon in Australia, touched down at Heathrow, ditched the new Mrs Harris and hotfooted straight to Chiswick to focus his attentions on the Canaries’ march up the table.

 

“I mean I love her to bits. Well I married her didn’t I? And she does a mean finger buffet!” he winked to his team mates. “But 3 bloody weeks! I had to get back here, I tell you. I’m too much of a man’s man for poncing round vineyards” he said massaging tan maximiser into his newly waxed chest. Suitably moisturised, and with an extra cushion, Harris took his place on the bench alongside the chameleon Mike Stubbs, who is now living with Rick Utting.

 

Now this was a game the old Norwich could have lost. Crewe were always going to be up for it after drawing with Hibs last Sunday but with the new Utting warm-up regime, competition for places all over the park, and the spice boys’ jacuzzi closed for industrial cleaning, it wasn’t going to happen this time.

 

Slater signalled his intent in the first 2 seconds, kicking the tracksuited Crewe playmaker, Jim Jam, straight up in the air from the kick-off. (It was enjoyable to see roles reversed later in the game) Moments later, Gallagher was released down the inside left channel before being crudely chopped down on the edge of the box, and from the resultant free kick, Tom Perrett sent a curler just past the angle.

 

The passing, movement, marking and closing down was top class. Frazer worked tirelessly to keep shackles on the pyjamaed one in the midfield, freeing up Bennett and Slater to express themselves. Both wingers were willing runners, and Higgins and Howard at the back managed to keep Alex’s 3 main goal threats, Wadey, MacDonald and the alcoholic Dan Taylor, in check the few times the ball went down their end.

 

The yellows didn’t have to wait long for their first, (or their third) as Matt Davies completed a hat-trick in 5 minutes. He volleyed in a loose ball that the man on the line couldn’t keep out, then converted a penalty (No, Chris. No!) after the Crewe defender parried a Rick Utting strike off the line, then buried a deft Bennett miscontrol for the third.

 

Davies’ and City’s fourth came 10 minutes later. He exchanged passes with Perrett and Slater in midfield before being released into the box. The keeper saved his first effort but he followed up tucking the ball inside the far post.

 

Up the other end of the pitch, Taylor finally got the better of Higgins, slipped in his own vomit and neatly played in the Crewe frontman who lifted the ball past Semple in the Norwich goal, leaving Howard to jump feet first into the back of the net just a couple of minutes after the ball got there.

 

Davies rounded off the half, released by Gallagher on the left. Beating his man, he cut inside, and with 3 better-placed Norwich players screaming for the ball, gave keeps the eyebrows and stroked it inside the near post.

 

Into the second half and more of the same from City. The next goal came when Davies nodded on a long ball from Frazer for his apprentice to finish tidily. Crewe then nicked one back as Higgins and Semple got in a mess from a corner and let a softy in.

 

Gallagher, the first ever electronically-tagged APFSCIL player not to play for Stoke or Glasgow Rangers, quickly added Norwich’s seventh, tidily lifting an Utting cross over the keeper from a tight angle. He sprinted back to the centre circle muttering under is breath “Goal of the game, definitely f****** goal of the f****** game. F***  the lot of you, you c****! Goal of the f****** game!” And it probably was.

 

The scoring was rounded off when sub Stubbs sent Slater clear (and clearly offside possibly) on the right. The pale playmaker whipped a raking, unplayable cross 80 feet in the air to be met by a firm Davies header at the far post. That was the double hat-trick for the striker, a feat not achieved in the APFSCIL league since Matt Davies did it in 2003/04.

 

“It’s all about the win and the team. I don’t care about personal tallies. I don’t even look at goalscoring charts, honest.” said Matt ‘Six Machine’ Davies as he folded himself into a charcoal grey Porsche driven by a rather cute petite blonde. “And it’s nice to be back on the back pages again. The 3am girls can **** my ****”

 

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Norwich Scorers: Davies (6), Gallagher (2)

MotM: Davies

 

Oh, and Barney pulled a lesbian last Friday