Middlesbrough 3 - 5 Norwich City

Norwich line-up: Perrett, Taylor, Higgins, Howard, Harris, Boucher, Slater, Utting, Parling, Davies, Gallagher

 

At the time of press, we don't yet know the exact significance of next week's game against Glasgow Rangers. Either way it's a must win for Norwich with, at a minimum, their 2006 100% league record on the line. It should see the return of Wilson from a lengthy prostate injury and Semple (steroid ban), but the Yellows will be without Parling (time management course) and possibly Taylor (little fivesies kickabout with his meejah chums). In any case, Norwich have done everything possible so far this year to grab 2nd spot from Rangers, and this was another example of the G&D City have shown on a number of occasions when up against it.

 

At 3-1 down at half-time on a boggy pitch not conducive to Norwich's brand of passing football, journos from the broadsheets and red tops alike were licking their lips. Was Higgins' mind still on the job? Is his head right? With rumours linking him to the hotseat at one-time fortress Carrow Road, his loss of the kit in midweek, and heavy drinking after his disappointment at not producing a male heir, the editorial was writing itself. But luckily for him, his side does not lie down and after waiting patiently to get on terms, eventually ran away clear victors.

 

This was Sunday football at its most Sunday. Pissing rain and hail, knee deep mud, driving wind, miscommunication about kick-off times, ref turning up an hour late and no nets (at least for the warm-up). Then, when the usually decisive gaffer Higgins suggested 4-4-2, 3-2-1-2 and 3-4-3 before settling on the tried and tested, unbeaten in 10, bags-of-goals, sexy football, pass-and-move formation he has used for the last year, eyebrows were raised all round the away dressing room. Those rumours could be true.....

 

Things started to go wrong in the warm-up. Perrett pulled up with a sore knee, and had to swap jerseys with the reluctant stand-in stopper. Slater's actually a really really excellent keeper and could play at a much higher level apparently. Nonetheless he was delighted at the role reversal and immediately started leathering balls at his flatmate in sticks. It did not inspire confidence. And it wasn't long into the game when 'crisp-packet hands' first touch was to pick the ball out of the net. To be fair to him, there was nothing he could do to stop it. A corner was whipped in ferociously with the wind and met at the near post with a crisp downward header.

 

Norwich, playing into the wind, responded immediately. A flick-on from a hopeful ball cleared the Boro defence. Davies met it first time from just inside the box, smashing the ball past the keeper at his near post. The recovery was shortlived though as the yellows struggled against the wind after that point and were being pushed back into their own half. They matched Boro for long periods but were always vulnerable with the treacherous footing and wind in their teeth. 1-1 became 3-1 before the break. A mix-up between Higgins and Perrett let Boro in for their second, and the third came as Perrett, left arm aloft seemingly still hailing a taxi from his previous error, was beaten by a lob that came back off an upright for a tap in.

 

Everyone knew that with the elements on side it would be a different game after the break. At half-time Higgins had to use all his footballing guile and tactical wizardry to win back his dressing room. And he did just that. "Lump it long, lads!" was the message. Harris, today in an unaccustomed left wing berth, growled, nodded vigorously in approval, shouted "Welcome back boss" and trudged out to take his place on the other side of the pitch.

 

Shortly after the break, City halved the deficit. Slater dummied a throw-in from the right, which ran to Davies. The Norwich striker, tightly marked, swivelled and lashed the ball home into the far corner past the diving keeper from 15 yards. Then followed a spell of Norwich pressure for the equaliser. The longer ball game was having the desired result against a very square back four and chances came and went. Gallagher, fed by Boucher and Parling, repeatedly broke the line but unfortunately not the net. Norwich were patient, and the equaliser very nearly came from the unlikeliest of sources. Gareth Howard embarked on an ambitious run weaving his way past four or five (6?, 7?!) defenders, and had he not hit the wall and blacked out 10 yards earlier, would surely have notched his first career goal at the right end of the pitch. As it was, the keeper came out well to deny the hyperventilating 40-a-day man.

 

Norwich's equaliser came with 10 minutes remaining. Davies beat his man by the left corner flag and drove a cross right onto Slater's head. Slater missed it but it carried through to Utting who turned up (unlike last week) at the far post to steer the ball into the net. Boro were rattled, and the comeback was complete shortly afterwards. Gallagher was sent clear down the right channel by Howard. He beat his man for pace, drew the keeper and squared for Davies to slide in and complete his hat-trick. The scoring was then completed a minute from time, when Slater, mistaking Boro's red for Aberdeen's, rose well to Utting's diagonal cross and sent a looping header into the top corner.

 

So it was job done again for the Yellows. This is a side that has been up against it in quite a few games this season. In the first half of the season, heads dropped and points were dropped. In the second half, they have got all three on every occasion. If they can keep their squad fit and loyal, and their young manager's head straight, it would take a brave man to bet against this team knocking Hibs off the top spot next season. But in the mean time, there's still work to be done this season. Norwich have never beaten Glasgow Rangers in this league, but something tells me that that will change this weekend. OTBC.

 

Norwich scorers: Davies (3), Utting, Slater

MotM: Davies

Honours

Just in case anyone needed any additional motivation to close out another excellent season in style, the final dash for club honours may be just the tonic you are looking for!

Up for Grabs: Player of the Season (PoS) and Golden Boot primarily, plus awards available for commitment and clubmanship. Here are some Stats to give you an idea who's in the running (and for the rest of us, just remember "We're all Winners!" Well that's what my Mum told me anyway ...)

Top Scorers:

Davies - 17 goals from 15 appearances (CCFC Career Ratio: 1.44)
Gallagher - 15 goals from 19 appearances (CCFC Career Ratio: 0.79)
Taylor - 7 goals from 17 appearances* (CCFC Career Ratio: 0.42)
Slater - 6 goals from 16 appearances (CCFC Career Ratio: 0.26)

* is that 17 appearances from 20, Mr Glass??! I had to stop and re-read the facts there for a second!

MotMs:

Parling & Taylor - 3
Utting, Wilson & Gallagher - 2
Boucher, Davies, Howard, Perrett, Semple, Slater - 1

Top Appearances (out of 19):

Gallagher & Perrett - 19
Higgins & Taylor - 17
Slater - 16
Davies & Utting - 15

So in summary

Don't expect Davies and Gallagher to be passing the ball too much to each other in the last couple of games. MoTM on the other hand ... oooooooh it's wide open

London Hibs 1 Capital Canaries 0

Sunday 26^th March 2006

Semi Final – Dave Baister Cup

 

Team Line-up: Semple, Harris, Slater, Taylor, Seecharan N (45), Perrett (65), Parling, Wilson, Boucher, Davies, Gallagher, Higgins (45), Stephenson (65).

 

Long after the game had finished, the crowds had left, and the only signs of the battle between Hibs and Norwich was Gareth's 4 empty cigarette packets blowing across the hallowed turf, were people left to wonder on two questions; how do you get an indirect free kick in the penalty box from being scissor kicked in the head, and secondly how is it possible to miss from 4 yards in the last minute?

 

The afternoon had begun with much hype and anticipation. Such was the expectation that another year would bring another semi final success for the boys in yellow, that Harris had put all his clients in Lucozade stock, producing 20 free bottles. The changing room was under instruction from the boss to wait until he arrived before warming up, but after finishing 3 litres each of this unethical insider traded lemon power up – the lads were bouncing off the walls. The normal pre-match conversion competition followed.

 

Norwich had 3 key players missing, but showed why they were the current form team in the league with ample strength in depth. Callum (slight migraine)and Bennett (runny nose) both produced doctors notes to excuse them from crowd watching duties. Utting however showed complete lack of regard for his teammates by holidaying in Budapest for the weekend.

 

The boss gathered the squad together prior to kick off to announce the line up and deliver his rousing Henry V oration. Nervous glances from the boys followed Higgins' production of a clip board and the claim that he had been working on his speech all week. The shock however was that AH left himself on the bench, with Barney filling his size 6's at sweeper.

 

The game kicked off with Hibs having the better of the opening exchanges. Gallagher looked lively upfront, with some neat early touches, confounding the changing room doomsayers that he had flouted the 10pm Higgins curfew the night before. Apparently identified by Hibs as a danger man, Gallagher was then schythed down repeatedly from behind. The referee and lines-people somehow conspired to miss the offences. This culminated in the obligatory red mist (purple haze?!) descending on the striker who was inevitably yellow carded for his troubles.

 

The eagle eyed officials, however did not miss any of City's minor indiscretions. Parling continued where he left off in previous encounters with Hibs, stalking the mid-field and dispensing his own form of justice. Harris was also unlucky to be booked.

 

It was Gallagher though, that created the best of Norwich's openings, with a surging run into the box. The Hibs defender then mistook Gallagher's head for the ball and brutally hacked him down inside the box. Thankfully the referee was well positioned, and gave the only decision that he could, an indirect free kick in side the box.

 

That let off spurred Hibs into life. Hibs created several good chances, brilliantly saved by Semple. The fact that Matt was not available to play in the final, for similar reasons as the disgraced Utting, did not distract him from turning in a superb display.

 

The defence was being consistently pressed, and Harris and Barney were over-heard discussing the depth of City's back line. Only minutes later Hibs scored, following a break through the midfield, a slip from Danno, and a one two that lead to Hibs side footing the ball through Barney's legs. Claims for offside from Slater and Davies were surely a cunning plan to see whether the goal would be disallowed, and the correct decision given instead - an free kick in side the box.

 

Norwich upped the tempo but created few clear cut opportunities for the remainder of the half.

 

Half time.

 

The break allowed the boys to re-group and re-organise. The boss delivered an impassioned plea for the team to remain focused, to play with cool heads, to leave the whingeing, moaning and diving to Hibs, and concentrate on playing football.

 

The second half started with Parling now on the left and Higgins in his usual sweeping role. It took only 10 seconds before the boss was involved in an ugly off the ball incident. His own half time words long forgotten.

 

The game duly opened up as Norwich pressed for the equalizer. Norwich created two good second half chances, one falling to Davies, whose shot went well wide. Davies claimed later that the cross, following Slater's good work down the right, took a bobble. The second chance came from a pin point cross from Boucher landing on Danno's head Danno put the header just wide. The make shift centre forward at this stage was inexplicably carrying Bennett's unwashed left sock wrapped around his big thumb. Some were questioning whether Bennett's absence and the wrapped big thumb were in fact linked?!

 

After a number of Hibernian break away chances, the final minute saw a free kick awarded to Norwich 35 yards out. A floated ball from Slater saw Boucher make a well timed run from deep to find himself in the clear with only the keeper to beat. The level of technical skill required to bury the ball as it came over his left shoulder, swirling in the wind, with a notorious sex addict bearing down on him was all too much, and the ball went just wide. Game over, and Norwich's dream died.

 

The post mortem ensued in the bar. No blame was apportioned (apart from the holidaying Utting). Even the referee was absolved, as he is used to refereeing at a much higher level, where apparently in-direct free kicks in the box are more often given.

 

On a more positive note, Seech presented the boss with enough dodgy sports-ware for a week in Liverpool , for the 151 games Andy has played for the club. Andy was over-heard mumbling that next year will be Norwich's year for both the league and cup. Andy -  make mine a double. Oh and by the way, Andy had a baby.

 

 

Hibs 1 Norwich 0

 

Man of the Match: Boucher

Capital Canaries 3 Middlesbrough 1

APFSCIL Division One

Norwich City  3    Middlesbrough  1

Sunday, 05 March 2006


No sign of a single 'Higgins Out' protestor at the Civil Service ground on the day after many 'Higgins In' banners were spotted at our less illustrious big brother's Carrow Road misery-pit a hundred miles or so up the road.

The fact that this was the Capital Canaries' 7th league win in a row has had many internet message boards awash with rumours that our baby making manager is due to take a 90% pay cut and take up the Carrow Rd hotseat any day now.

WeLoveYouPaulMcVeigh1991, the internet's most respected poster had this to say;
"Higgins' ability to motivate such layabouts and criminals as Paul Bennett and Chris Gallagher wouldn't go amiss among those overpaid prima-donnas at Carrow Road, I'd get him in. Fair enough, we'd have to top Mourinho's wages, but like Jennifer Aniston- he's worth it".

Norwich were facing Boro without Rich Stephenson, Nick & Tom Seecharan, Andy Parling, and Rick Utting. It appears that Andy Parling must be dead, as there's no match report to be seen from the previous match. Rick was on an Uttingly great cruise to the Mediterranean island of Mikanos. This meant going into the game with only 10 natural left footers in the team, way less than normal. With Rick's left midfield berth vacant, up stepped Perrett, with a left foot so cultured that it's currently reciting the works of William Goldwin to a 19th century poetry class.

Other changes included George Clooney effortlessly slipping into Perrett's size 10s on the right hand side of Norwich's midfield, Callum Wilson took a break from losing Nick Leeson sized funds and making tea for real traders to return to the heart of the side, and a mentally rejuvenated Slater returned from undisclosed personal problems involving Marcus Trescothick's wife to complete the Canaries XI.

One or two of the Canaries were carrying injuries heading into the game. In Gallagher's case it was carrying 10 pints of south London's premier nightspot's Snakebite in his belly. Bennett looked like he'd come straight from the Clapham Grand, and Ladies Favourite Davies was suffering with an unsatisfactory manicure.

The game started with Captain Callum winning the toss and electing to start the game downhill and with the wind. Perry Groves would have been proud of both Boucher and Perrett's ability to chuck the ball half the length of the pitch. It was probably just the wind.

The game's first real chance fell to Harris in the second minute. A near post corner found the Richard O-Brian lookalike on the edge of the six yard box, and his glancing header went wide of the far post. This was not to deter the Canaries, who pressed hard at the Boro back line before claiming the lead after 15 minutes through the predatory Matt Davies.

A good move down the left saw a couple of shots fired in at the Boro goal before the ball deflected at an awkward height to 'Dale' Davies who put the ball past the keeper with minimum fuss. He then proceeded to cerebrate by taking us all to Asda after the game and encouraging us to put as many items in a trolley as possible in 60 seconds.

They say bad luck comes in threes. In Gallagher's case he had a double bout of it. On a miserable afternoon for the angry south Londoner around six chances went begging. A mixture of good goalkeeping, wayward finishing, goals not being big enough, and snakebite kept his goal tally for the afternoon down to a measly one. To be fair to Davies' less predatory partner, it was a good one. A floated ball over the top from Perrett from just inside his own half caught the Boro defence napping and Gallagher nipped in behind before exchanging passes with Winton and firing home off the post from 15 yards into the bottom corner.

With Slater, Wilson and Bennett winning everything in midfield, and linking up well with the frontmen, the Canaries were playing well. The odd misplaced pass did anger the sensitive (not just his skin) Slater, but he kept going and he and Wilson were enjoying adulation of the yellow army who had gathered en mass.

Chances continued to go begging, with Bennett, and Davies again going close. With the defence only breached once after a double nause-up by Harris and Higgins, Semple in the Norwich goal was rarely called upon for the first 45 mins, but it was unlikely that this would continue into the second half with the Canaries up the hill and against the wind. Half time brought words of encouragement from the gaffer, but it was clear that 2 goals may not have been enough on a day where conditions favoured those sat at home doing something else.

Just two minutes into the second half Boro had their first good chance on goal. Clearly encouraged to shoot with the wind, their midfielder unleashed a looping effort from 35 yards that Semple did well to turn over his bar for a corner.

Middlesbrough's goal was a beauty. Davies made a rare foray into his own half "tracking back" I think it's called. The resulting foul on the onrushing Boro midfielder resulted in a free kick in a central position 25 yards out. Semple set up a four man wall but was powerless to stop a rocket into the top corner.

This gave Boro some confidence, and they were quick to up their tempo and trouble Norwich at times. Slater's Strop-o-meter was registering 4 or 5 at this point before a mis-control took it off the Richter scale to the sound of sighs, huffs and puffs. A collective 'tut' was heard from the Canaries. The increased Boro attacking was leaving gaps at the back, and it was a good job for them that Gallagher was in such a generous mood, beating the post twice then hitting the keeper from close range. Davies was left rueing his decision not to forcefully take the ball off Gallagher's toes to apply the finishing touches. Motivational guru Slater also went close with a side footer that didn't quite connect from 18 yards following good work from Boucher.

A moment of class from Paul Bennett on the edge of his own box then infuriated the chasing Boro forward who was turned inside out by Bennett who span away from him on the edge of the box. Bennett was then twice hacked down, the second time a headbutt which resulted in a straight red card for the Boro forward.

With Boro down to ten men, the game opened up for Norwich who were able to enjoy good periods of possession. With the Boro defence opened up following a good move in midfield Slater was able to release a great pass through the middle of the two centre halves for Wilson to run on to. With the ball onto his favoured left foot, Wilson calmly slid the ball past the keeper and reeled away in delight. Gallagher looked on in envy of such composure in front of goal.

The Canaries had won 7 straight league games for the first time in 34 years - coincidentally, Dan Taylor's real age.

Norwich 3-1 Middlesborough

Man Of The Match: Tom Perrett

Preview Norwich City Vs Crewe 19/3/06

Facts never lie. Except for Jonathan King of course. He's really fact and keeps protesting his innocence. In terms of football though, the cliche stands true and the facts are these; Norwich City have won seven on the spin in the league and eight including their Dave Baister Cup demolition of the now defunct Birmingham.

So, how does this budding young journo approach a preview for this weekends big game at the Civil Service? Simple really, it looks like Crewe are in for a pistol-whipping not seen since Rodney King got on the wrong side of the law. Mind you, it has got to the stage where the three points may not be enough for the Canaries. They need....

GOALS

GOALS

GOALS

The good news is that the team have been scoring quite a few goals of late. The bad news is that their three top strikers are all unavailable for the game with bad aids. It is believed that Gallagher picked it up at a family gathering in Croxteth (The liverpudlian arm of the Gallagher mafia). He in turn passed it on to Davies when they had a spa together at Dale Wintons house. How Stephenson picked it up is a mystery, but no doubt he'll tell us at length next time we see him.

So who will play up front you ask? Well, nobody really knows. The usual suspects have put their names forward. Taylor has mentioned his goals record this season, although he seems to have forgotten that to play up front you have to run a bit, and the doubts remain as to whether the knee he got from Albert Steptoe in the transplant will hold up to it. Gareth Howard has put his name forward to, although smoking on the pitch is not allowed and everyone feels that he would struggle to score goals with that massive thumb hangs over him wherever he goes.

The smart money is on rancid, dogbreath-ridden, spinabifida sufferer Barnaby Slater getting at least a half up front. In his favour is that he scored five in three up front last year  and that he has six to his name from midfield this season. However, he is a total prick with a penchant for soddomy so why should he be given the responsibility? What a cunt. And I don't use that word lightly. He also has herpes from a dalliance he had with a goat.

My prediction for the game is 4-1 to City, with Taylor notching at both ends.

Squad (from):

Semple
Perrett
Taylor
Higgins
Howard
Seecherans
Slater
Wilson
Boucher
Parling
Harris
Uttingly



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Secret Sundays 12/02/06

As P Don made his pitch inspection at the civil service sports ground yesterday afternoon, Capital Canaries manager Andrew Higgins was already texting his boys to tell them not to make the trip to Chiswick. The reason for this was that Higgins had already taken a look at the pitch, and his degree in Agriculture and Land-Based studies told him that there was no way that the game could go ahead. As the following report will show, Higgins' foresight was a blessing in disguise.

As the text came through various members of the Norwich team were otherwise indisposed, and the truth is that had the game gone ahead, the yellows may not have had many players available to put London Rangers to the sword.

10.32 am

Vice-Captain Marvel Dan Taylor awakes to the bleeping of his mobile phone. He has no idea where he is although he has never previously been outside the borough of Clapham so he knows that he is in that area somewhere. As his eyes get used to the light he tenses up immediately. He realises that he has a belt tied around his neck loosely, which is also attached to the light on the ceiling. Various questions go round his head.....Why have I got no clothes on? Why have I got an orange in my mouth? Why have my genitals been stapled to a poster of Sam Parkin, the famously mis-firing Ipswich Town striker? He reaches for his phone and is relieved when he sees the game has been called off.

10.33 am

Callum Wilson is settling down to a pre-match meal of veal, snails, pain au chocolate, baguettes, onions and haggis. His wife is there, but he has forgotten her name. His daughter is there, but she has no idea who he is. Luckily for Callum it matters not, for he has his armchair, his bankers blazer and his trusty speccy glasses. Suddenly, and out of nowhere, the plug is pulled from his Scrooge McDuck-esque money vault and the coins all start spilling onto the streets of Earls Court. Wilson runs out to the vault, screaming like Tim Howard on Speed, and sinks to his knees a broken man as all around him, hundreds of Australian barmen scramble around for his hard-earned money. Well, his money anyway. Frazer's final act of the day was to look at his mobile phone, and sigh as he saw the text saying that the game was off.

10.34 am

 Meanwhile, in Eton, Barnaby Slater awoke from his slumber when his butler walked in carrying his gold-plated mobile phone on a silver platter. Once the butler had finished him off in his mouth, Slater took the time to read the messages that had come in. The first one was from his old pal Sir Marcus Digby-Smythe. The message said "Was bloody sloshed last night, can't believe you poured that jereboam of champagne all over your wee willie winkie". Upon reading the message, Slater asked his butler to remove the white sediment on the corner of his mouth, and to send a reply to Digby-Smythe telling him to "Sod orrrffffff". Slater then read the second message, and was pleased to see that the Norwich game had been called off later that day.

10.34 am

Somewhere in Britain, the 6th annual Dale Winton lookalike convention was coming to its grand finale. The dead ringers had been whittled down to the final two. On one side of the stage was one Matt Davies of South London. On the other side of the stage was Dale Winton, also of London. As the final votes were totted up, both men looked nervous, exchanging glances from across the stage. The judge, Cilla Black, famously a friend of Dale Winton - took her time in announcing the winner. Finally it was time....she opened the envelope..... "and the winner, chuck, is......Matt Davies"! The crowd erupted, Dale Winton was furious and Matt Davies opened up his mobile phone to see that the game was off. Although it didn't matter - as he wasn't playing anyway, as he had a date that afternoon with Ms Cillaaaaaaaaaa blaaaaaaaaaccccckkkk.

10.35 am

Elsewhere Tom Perrett was in his rape pit, Matt Semple was negotiating with Chris Pattern in Hong Kong, the Seech brothers were trying to work out how to spell their own surnames, Pete Harris was having a secret meeting with Will Carling and Shane Warne, Chris Gallagher was still in The Venue New Cross, Tom Boucher was attempting a jump over the great wall of China, Andy Parling was running, Rich Stephenson was being wise and Rick Utting was moonlighting as Frodos stunt double.

Thank god the game was called off.

Norwich City Vs London Rangers. 12/2/06. Match preview

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Just ask Loretta Bobbit, this weeks Capital Canaries mascot, who has agreed to come to the game in order to focus Norwich City on the beating that they need to hand out this Sunday to make up for the 2-1 reverse in the corresponding fixture late last year.

Bobitt is of course infamous for her slight over-reaction when she heard of her husband John's infidelity a couple of decades ago. However, Norwich manager Andy Higgins is confident that her presence around the dressing room will not cause any worry to his team's confidence, despite her penchant for male genitals and steak knives....

"I think Loretta is a great example of how we should stop at nothing to get revenge when we have been wronged. Earlier this season London Rangers mugged us good and proper, so I have asked Ms Bobitt to come in and explain how she cut off her husband's penis when she found out that he had wronged her and to give us some ideas on how to really turn the heat up on the opposition. If nothing else, it should teach a couple of our wannabe rockstars to keep their cocks in their pants for once. In fact, the only worry I have is that Slater may try and befriend her before the game and take his mind off the job"

On the pitch, Norwich are on a great run, unbeaten since before Christmas and having stormed into the semi-finals of the Dave Baister cup with a 5-1 beating of Birmingham City a couple of weeks ago. In that game, centre-half Gareth Howard cracked a couple of ribs, although the rumours that it was caused by the air pressure from his forrays past the half-way line have so far proven unfounded. Also out this week will be the yellows' 'bit of rough' Matt Davies. He is probably at a stag do or a Dale Winton lookalike convention.

With the squad looking strong, and a good run of results behind them Norwich will be looking to turn the screw and punish London Rangers. However, complacency is a dangerous thing, just like sucking an orange through a razorblade. Norwich must be wary of the roar of the Rangers, who will be looking for their first ever double over the Carrow Road outfit.

Unbiased Journalist's prediction: 3-1 Yellows

Venue: Civil Service Sports Ground
Kick Off: 2pm

Norwich Squad:

Bennett
Boucher
Gallagher
Harris
Higgins
Parling
Perrett
Seecharan N
Semple
Slater
Stephenson
Taylor
Utting
Wilson

Norwich City 5 : 1 Birmingham

When a team strolls to its fourth consecutive win, amassing 16 goals in the process, team selection should be a foregone conclusion. This wasn’t the case however for Norwich tyrant Higgins, who with no fewer than 4 first team regulars returning, was left with several awkward decisions to make. Make them he did, and sticking to the team that destroyed Crewe the previous week, he named an unchanged line-up.

 

This meant that for Parling, Boucher, Stephenson, Seecharan, and Harris a place on a very strong bench was awaiting them – and believe me the durability of the said bench was tested fully with the complied weights of the portly looking five far in excess of a Rick Waller / Michelle McManus Duet.

 

With the game kicking off in near perfect conditions, Norwich didn’t get off to the flyer that in previous weeks has seen games won even before Harris has had the chance to smoke his customary 4 first half cigarettes.

On a narrow and short pitch they struggled to dominate Birmingham, whose 4-5-1 formation stood up well to Norwich’s 3-5-2, which meant that in the opening exchanges defender Howard found himself playing a support role in midfield, a position he acclimatised to as a whale takes to the Thames.

 

However fears of an Exeter style tactical calamity were slightly eased, when Taylor opened the scoring.

Rick Utting delivered he’s first perfect ball of the afternoon, and the handsome Taylor shrewdly lost his marker, notching he’s sixth of the season with a textbook header (You’re right, 6 for a centre back? that is good).

 

Where in previous weeks Norwich have built on early gains to see off opponents, this time Birmingham coped admirably and fought their way back into the game. 10 minutes before the interval, they were thrown a lifeline, when caught with his Y-Fronts firmly down Higgins cynically conceded a penalty.

With Perrett busy signing autographs for 13year old girls, Birmingham broke down the right, where a low delivered cross was met by the hand of god (as he likes to be known in the bedroom), and Higgins misdemeanour was penalised.

Lucky to stay on the pitch the cute blonde protested but to no avail, with the spot kick levelling things up at 1-1.

 

Half Time.

 

Feeling the mangers wrath Perrett was given the opportunity to further he’s relationships with the autograph hunters joining them on the sidelines and making way for Boucher, to add some northern grit into midfield.

 

Early exchanges in the second half were few and far between, so it was apt the goals third game was set up by an error. Scuffing the ball from a goal kick, the keepers poor clearance was controlled well by Gallagher, who breaking clear rounded the keeper and finished coolly, leaving him to celebrate knowing he’d fully earnt that evening’s pop-corn chicken feast.

Birmingham inevitably came forward creating good pressure in midfield, but they found it hard to release the final through ball, and to find their forward who was firmly tucked in Taylor’s pocket.

 

Not so assure of his teams fate though, and perhaps fearing a Birmingham equaliser and the possibility of having to break sweat in extra time, Bennett sealed the tie with a tidy finish from another Utting corner. He’s first chance was blocked well by the defender, but when the ball broke back to him Bennett’s left foot swinger connected sweetly with ball lodging in the far left top corner.

 

Soon after this the game was finally decided when Boucher finished off a great Norwich move. Superb work from Callum Wilson released Utting with a back heel, whose pace took him to the by-line, and cutting the ball back superbly Boucher timed he’s run well, calmly nutmegging the keeper.

 

Muttering “I’m better than this shit, do they not know who I am?” Slater joined Pat Butcher on the sidelines - making way for Parling who immediately announced himself by conceding a free kick with a shrug of he’s narrow shoulders.

 

Stephenson soon followed at the expense of a disappointed Gallagher, still hoping to win his first header of the season.

 

With a more ‘experienced’ forward line looking for Norwich goals, Birmingham could afford to throw men forward safely in the fact that the leisurely attackers wouldn’t catch them out. However looks can be deceiving and when Stephenson broke clear he won Norwich another corner.

 

Tired of setting up goals, and tired of scoring them, Utting and Taylor let their body doubles Boucher and Davies get in on the act. Boucher nonchalantly swung in the corner to the six yard spot, where Davies completed the afternoons scoring with the ladies favourite stooping to the head clinically past the keeper.

 

The final whistle soon followed and trailing off to the clubhouse Norwich celebrated by watching HMP Stoke vs. HMP Rangers fight for the right to get knocked out in the next round.

 

Post match celebrations were slightly soured with the news that keeper Semple had been offered and accepted a lucrative contract in the Far East, and that Perrett a la Sol had shacked up in Barrymore’s pad with he’s new 13 year old braced lady friend, amid fears of a breaking story in Mondays ‘Sun’.

 

Good game well done and that. Don’t ever vote me mom again. 8pm on a Wednesday just to write this shit. Also haven’t read it back, so if it’s borderline artistic/autistic please forgive me.

 

I love you all,

Love,

Dan.

 

Dave Baister Cup: Semi-Final Draw

High tension at an undisclosed location nr Soho Square. Despite the general mood pervading the league that it was "business as usual" for perennial league-toppers Hibs and Glasgow Rangers, last year's finalists Norwich City and Division 2 tearaway leaders Manchester United, there is just something about the "magic" of the cup, evident in the cheeky schoolboy grins and unbridled excitement of the clubs' representatives at the draw!

Having squirreled tirelessy behind the scenes to bring some glamour to this year's Cup proceedings, League Secretary Nick Seecharan proudly introduced to the hushed and expectant audience, 2006 regional Miss UK finalists, Miss Scotland, Miss Essex and Miss Surrey to officiate the draw.

First out of the Hat ... London Hibs, drawn by Miss Scotland. Furrowed brows in the Hibs camp, at the prospect of having to organise the "home" tie. Second out of the hat, courtesy of Miss Essex ... Norwich City! Cheers ring out from the Glasgow Rangers delegation, further furrowed brows in the Hibs camp - despite beating Norwich City in last year's final by a country mile, their 2 shock defeats at the hands of City during this campaign remain the only games Hibs have lost since March 2004.

Third out of the hat, courtesy of Miss Surrey ... Glasgow Rangers, who will host Manchester United. Despite their initial euphoria, Glasgow Rangers later admit, "there are no easy games in the Cup", reflecting on their slimmest of victory margins versus Stoke in the Quarters, where an equaliser in the dying seconds of inury time allowed them to sneak through on pens. Manchester United's delegation respond coyly, stating "We're just happy to be here -we didn't care who we got", deftly throwing open their strategic tool-box with an early attempt at lulling the opposition into a fall sense of security! Cup magic continued into the evening with each Miss UK hopeful swiftly adopting a camp of their choosing, and the melodic snatches of feverous ingoing/ outgoing texts wafting through the air ... all the way to Wembley one imagines (if Matt Davies ever finishes building it!)

London Hibs v Norwich City
Glasgow Rangers v Manchester United

Good Luck Chaps. "Victory comes to those who want it the most" (EA Sports!)

Notes from Abroad. 01

Ex-east end bruiser and CCFC speed merchant, "Stubbsy" takes time out from early retirement in the Sun and running his ex-pat pub and chip shop to send the boys a message from the Costa del Sid:

"Great site Nick, have read pretty much right through! Looks to be building towards another successful season. Can't wait to re-join the fold. Looking like mid-way through next season at current rate...

Things are going well over here. Footy season kicks off in April so just starting pre-season training etc - is still way to hot to play during the day though to be honest!

Here's a couple of pics to choose from if you want to start a 'Capital Canaries abroad' section for the website, am sure Botha and Church could provide other global images... say hello to the rest of the squad. All the best from Sydney. "

Major? Bryan? Time to step up to the plate!

Big Game Warm ups need big (game) Stretches ..

Big Game Warm ups need Big Stretches
Originally uploaded by Nick Seecharan.

.. and Barney looking particularly focussed - or is he just searching for the rest of his female fan club (besides his Mum!?). Not quite what the rest of the team had in mind, when he bragged pre-match about bringing a coach-load of his b*tches to witness another accomplished performance in the middle of the park ..

"Shadows of Gods, fellas ... shadows of gods!"

Big Game warm-up
Originally uploaded by Nick Seecharan.

CCFC in the Semi's - Could this be the year we step out of the shadows?!

EoTT

The boss pondering his half-time pep-talk

The boss pondering his half-time pep-talk
Originally uploaded by Nick Seecharan.

Whatever he said, it worked! 1-1 at half time, but rolled home 1-5 winners. Great effort Lads - bring on the Semis!

ps - what's Gallagher looking for out there on the left?

Mid-Season Stats

A few quick mid-season stats for the number monkeys (and some motivation for the rest!) ...

NOTE correction below (*) .. apologies to Higgins for the omission of 2 caps (darn .. I f***d with the wrong man ... "cushion, gloves, hat please" for the rest of the season ...)

Top Scorers

Davies - 14
Gallagher - 11
Slater - 6
Taylor - 5
Wilson - 4
Stephenson - 3
Perrett/ Utting - 1

MotMs

Gallagher/ Parling/ Taylor/ Wilson - 2
Utting/ Slater/ Semple/ Howard/ Davies - 1

Ever-Presents

Gallagher/ Perrett - 14/14
Taylor/ Higgins* - 13/14
Utting/ Wilson/ Slater - 12/14

Caps

Higgins - 147
Semple - 113
Seecharan N - 73
Harris - 52
Davies - 46

Mid-term report? Keep up the excellent work Lads!

Match Preview - Norwich City v Birmingham City. 29/1/06

Is this the biggest game in the Capital Canaries' history? There are arguments to say that it is...

Sure, last year's cup final was huge - and a great day out, but the fact was that the yellows were massive underdogs that day as they faced a Hibernian team who had swept all before them for the previous two years. That day the performance was outstanding from Norwich, but the quality was not quite there.

This weekend the capital Canaries face Birmingham City in the Quarter-Final of The Dave Baister Cup. As things stand Andrew Higgins' men sit in second place in the Apfscil league on a run of three successive victories culminating in an 8-2 victory over Crewe Alexandra at the Civil Service last week. Norwich are top of the form table, Higgins has just won manager of the month and their veteran stopper Peter Harris is back from his honeymoon in Australia. The fact is that at the moment, Norwich City are joint favourites to lift the Dave Baister trophy at even money alongside Hibernian.

Many pundits have been talking about their respect for the way Norwich City have changed their style and formation this season, and stuck with what they believe in despite some disappointing early results. This week Alan Hansen said... "Defensively they are sound, they have a solid back three marshalled expertly by Daniel Taylor, a player I very much admire".

David Pleat was also heard to say "I admire their blend of youth and experience, Higgins has put together a side capable of challenging for the league next season, and with one or two additions in key areas there is no reason why they cannot rule the Apfscil for the next few years"

And in Swindon, Ron Atkinson took time out from his new television documentary to say.... "There is one thing I like especially about the Capital Canaries squad but I don't know if it's in my best interests to tell you what that is".

So why is this the biggest game in the club's history? The answer is simple - they now have the quality, the desire, the drive and the opportunity to win this trophy and lay down a marker to the rest of the division that the yellows will be a force for the next decade. However, no cup games are easy - and the team must take this opportunity to show the doubters that nothing will get in their way and that they have a true "winning mentality".

Venue: Fullers Sports Ground, Chiswick
Kick-Off: 2pm

Squad (From)

Bennett
Boucher
Davies
Gallagher
Harris
Howard
Higgins
Parling
Perrett
Seecharan N
Semple
Slater
Stephenson
Taylor
Utting
Wilson

Jealousy gets them nowhere!

I dunno, you put a run together and your manager wins high profile accolades .. you think they'd be happy for you, right? WRONG! Human nature being what is, they can't stand to see our success, and the mud has already started flying our way - a comment received by the club secretary this morning:

"More a casual question. Why do the Naarwich City squad refer to each other by surname during matches? Did ye all go to a posh private school near Sandringham?"

There's only one way to respond to such slander lads ... and that's on the pitch! (Even though ... errrrrr... I did go to a posh private school near Sandringham! Sshhhhhhhhhh)

Strength and honour.

Dean Who?

APFSCIL League Division 1, Sunday 22^nd January 2006

 

Crewe Alexandra 2 Capital Canaries 8

 

Norwich line-up: Semple, Higgins, Howard, Taylor, Bennett, Slater, Perrett (sub Stubbs 60), Utting, Wilson, Gallagher, Davies

 

It was an early start for Norwich’s 13^th man. Pete Harris, fresh from a hemorrhoid-inducing 26 hour flight back from his honeymoon in Australia, touched down at Heathrow, ditched the new Mrs Harris and hotfooted straight to Chiswick to focus his attentions on the Canaries’ march up the table.

 

“I mean I love her to bits. Well I married her didn’t I? And she does a mean finger buffet!” he winked to his team mates. “But 3 bloody weeks! I had to get back here, I tell you. I’m too much of a man’s man for poncing round vineyards” he said massaging tan maximiser into his newly waxed chest. Suitably moisturised, and with an extra cushion, Harris took his place on the bench alongside the chameleon Mike Stubbs, who is now living with Rick Utting.

 

Now this was a game the old Norwich could have lost. Crewe were always going to be up for it after drawing with Hibs last Sunday but with the new Utting warm-up regime, competition for places all over the park, and the spice boys’ jacuzzi closed for industrial cleaning, it wasn’t going to happen this time.

 

Slater signalled his intent in the first 2 seconds, kicking the tracksuited Crewe playmaker, Jim Jam, straight up in the air from the kick-off. (It was enjoyable to see roles reversed later in the game) Moments later, Gallagher was released down the inside left channel before being crudely chopped down on the edge of the box, and from the resultant free kick, Tom Perrett sent a curler just past the angle.

 

The passing, movement, marking and closing down was top class. Frazer worked tirelessly to keep shackles on the pyjamaed one in the midfield, freeing up Bennett and Slater to express themselves. Both wingers were willing runners, and Higgins and Howard at the back managed to keep Alex’s 3 main goal threats, Wadey, MacDonald and the alcoholic Dan Taylor, in check the few times the ball went down their end.

 

The yellows didn’t have to wait long for their first, (or their third) as Matt Davies completed a hat-trick in 5 minutes. He volleyed in a loose ball that the man on the line couldn’t keep out, then converted a penalty (No, Chris. No!) after the Crewe defender parried a Rick Utting strike off the line, then buried a deft Bennett miscontrol for the third.

 

Davies’ and City’s fourth came 10 minutes later. He exchanged passes with Perrett and Slater in midfield before being released into the box. The keeper saved his first effort but he followed up tucking the ball inside the far post.

 

Up the other end of the pitch, Taylor finally got the better of Higgins, slipped in his own vomit and neatly played in the Crewe frontman who lifted the ball past Semple in the Norwich goal, leaving Howard to jump feet first into the back of the net just a couple of minutes after the ball got there.

 

Davies rounded off the half, released by Gallagher on the left. Beating his man, he cut inside, and with 3 better-placed Norwich players screaming for the ball, gave keeps the eyebrows and stroked it inside the near post.

 

Into the second half and more of the same from City. The next goal came when Davies nodded on a long ball from Frazer for his apprentice to finish tidily. Crewe then nicked one back as Higgins and Semple got in a mess from a corner and let a softy in.

 

Gallagher, the first ever electronically-tagged APFSCIL player not to play for Stoke or Glasgow Rangers, quickly added Norwich’s seventh, tidily lifting an Utting cross over the keeper from a tight angle. He sprinted back to the centre circle muttering under is breath “Goal of the game, definitely f****** goal of the f****** game. F***  the lot of you, you c****! Goal of the f****** game!” And it probably was.

 

The scoring was rounded off when sub Stubbs sent Slater clear (and clearly offside possibly) on the right. The pale playmaker whipped a raking, unplayable cross 80 feet in the air to be met by a firm Davies header at the far post. That was the double hat-trick for the striker, a feat not achieved in the APFSCIL league since Matt Davies did it in 2003/04.

 

“It’s all about the win and the team. I don’t care about personal tallies. I don’t even look at goalscoring charts, honest.” said Matt ‘Six Machine’ Davies as he folded himself into a charcoal grey Porsche driven by a rather cute petite blonde. “And it’s nice to be back on the back pages again. The 3am girls can **** my ****”

 

                                                -----------------------------

 

Norwich Scorers: Davies (6), Gallagher (2)

MotM: Davies

 

Oh, and Barney pulled a lesbian last Friday

 

Think you got passion?

Think again ... you may be good, but you're playing in the shadows of (capital canary) gods! Guess what number Lee played in for CCFC (86 Goals in 120 odd appearances)?!

G & D, lads!

Elliot Boot wins euro millions

It has recently transpired that Barnaby Elliot Boot the Third (aka Barney Slater) has won £80 million pounds on the euro millions lottery. This, of course, is small change to Slater whose father, generously giving up his time having been busy knobbing Debbie Harry, said "I knew my daughter Barney would come good.  I always knew she would make it big ever since she completed her Barbie collection at the age of 16".

 

Slater who had previously worked as a boom holder for crap TV programmes, has now pledged asubstantial amount of his winnings to her mothers fight for justice.  Mrs Slater is still at war with the legal team of John Leslie (Ill tell u what love dont shag him then!!).  Leslie claims she came onto him, so do half the guests at Slaters party!

 

Slater, now the second richest woman at Norwich just behind Gaffer Higgins said "I have always been rich, but now im filthy rich.  My parents have never been so proud.  They have informed me however that if I shag a z list celebrity and tell my kids and their friends about it I can climb up even higher in their estimations".

 

Slaters availability has been called into question also, not because of the lottery win, just because he's shit.

Breaking News - Gallagher NOT dead

Contrary to earlier reports, Norwich City 3rd team striker Chris Gallagher is not actually dead. It is believed that he made an attempt to fake his own death which only failed when he was spotted breathing during his own post mortem.

When his stomach was seen moving up and down doctors removed a thin latex layer from the face to reveal that it was not in fact Chris Gallagher but actually Dermot Gallagher in a Chris Gallagher mask. Dermot Gallagher is currently being questioned by the police.

Chris Gallagher is still at large. It is believed that he is a threat to everything except the top goalscorers charts and should not be approached.