Notes from Abroad. 01

Ex-east end bruiser and CCFC speed merchant, "Stubbsy" takes time out from early retirement in the Sun and running his ex-pat pub and chip shop to send the boys a message from the Costa del Sid:

"Great site Nick, have read pretty much right through! Looks to be building towards another successful season. Can't wait to re-join the fold. Looking like mid-way through next season at current rate...

Things are going well over here. Footy season kicks off in April so just starting pre-season training etc - is still way to hot to play during the day though to be honest!

Here's a couple of pics to choose from if you want to start a 'Capital Canaries abroad' section for the website, am sure Botha and Church could provide other global images... say hello to the rest of the squad. All the best from Sydney. "

Major? Bryan? Time to step up to the plate!

Big Game Warm ups need big (game) Stretches ..

Big Game Warm ups need Big Stretches
Originally uploaded by Nick Seecharan.

.. and Barney looking particularly focussed - or is he just searching for the rest of his female fan club (besides his Mum!?). Not quite what the rest of the team had in mind, when he bragged pre-match about bringing a coach-load of his b*tches to witness another accomplished performance in the middle of the park ..

"Shadows of Gods, fellas ... shadows of gods!"

Big Game warm-up
Originally uploaded by Nick Seecharan.

CCFC in the Semi's - Could this be the year we step out of the shadows?!

EoTT

The boss pondering his half-time pep-talk

The boss pondering his half-time pep-talk
Originally uploaded by Nick Seecharan.

Whatever he said, it worked! 1-1 at half time, but rolled home 1-5 winners. Great effort Lads - bring on the Semis!

ps - what's Gallagher looking for out there on the left?

Mid-Season Stats

A few quick mid-season stats for the number monkeys (and some motivation for the rest!) ...

NOTE correction below (*) .. apologies to Higgins for the omission of 2 caps (darn .. I f***d with the wrong man ... "cushion, gloves, hat please" for the rest of the season ...)

Top Scorers

Davies - 14
Gallagher - 11
Slater - 6
Taylor - 5
Wilson - 4
Stephenson - 3
Perrett/ Utting - 1

MotMs

Gallagher/ Parling/ Taylor/ Wilson - 2
Utting/ Slater/ Semple/ Howard/ Davies - 1

Ever-Presents

Gallagher/ Perrett - 14/14
Taylor/ Higgins* - 13/14
Utting/ Wilson/ Slater - 12/14

Caps

Higgins - 147
Semple - 113
Seecharan N - 73
Harris - 52
Davies - 46

Mid-term report? Keep up the excellent work Lads!

Match Preview - Norwich City v Birmingham City. 29/1/06

Is this the biggest game in the Capital Canaries' history? There are arguments to say that it is...

Sure, last year's cup final was huge - and a great day out, but the fact was that the yellows were massive underdogs that day as they faced a Hibernian team who had swept all before them for the previous two years. That day the performance was outstanding from Norwich, but the quality was not quite there.

This weekend the capital Canaries face Birmingham City in the Quarter-Final of The Dave Baister Cup. As things stand Andrew Higgins' men sit in second place in the Apfscil league on a run of three successive victories culminating in an 8-2 victory over Crewe Alexandra at the Civil Service last week. Norwich are top of the form table, Higgins has just won manager of the month and their veteran stopper Peter Harris is back from his honeymoon in Australia. The fact is that at the moment, Norwich City are joint favourites to lift the Dave Baister trophy at even money alongside Hibernian.

Many pundits have been talking about their respect for the way Norwich City have changed their style and formation this season, and stuck with what they believe in despite some disappointing early results. This week Alan Hansen said... "Defensively they are sound, they have a solid back three marshalled expertly by Daniel Taylor, a player I very much admire".

David Pleat was also heard to say "I admire their blend of youth and experience, Higgins has put together a side capable of challenging for the league next season, and with one or two additions in key areas there is no reason why they cannot rule the Apfscil for the next few years"

And in Swindon, Ron Atkinson took time out from his new television documentary to say.... "There is one thing I like especially about the Capital Canaries squad but I don't know if it's in my best interests to tell you what that is".

So why is this the biggest game in the club's history? The answer is simple - they now have the quality, the desire, the drive and the opportunity to win this trophy and lay down a marker to the rest of the division that the yellows will be a force for the next decade. However, no cup games are easy - and the team must take this opportunity to show the doubters that nothing will get in their way and that they have a true "winning mentality".

Venue: Fullers Sports Ground, Chiswick
Kick-Off: 2pm

Squad (From)

Bennett
Boucher
Davies
Gallagher
Harris
Howard
Higgins
Parling
Perrett
Seecharan N
Semple
Slater
Stephenson
Taylor
Utting
Wilson

Jealousy gets them nowhere!

I dunno, you put a run together and your manager wins high profile accolades .. you think they'd be happy for you, right? WRONG! Human nature being what is, they can't stand to see our success, and the mud has already started flying our way - a comment received by the club secretary this morning:

"More a casual question. Why do the Naarwich City squad refer to each other by surname during matches? Did ye all go to a posh private school near Sandringham?"

There's only one way to respond to such slander lads ... and that's on the pitch! (Even though ... errrrrr... I did go to a posh private school near Sandringham! Sshhhhhhhhhh)

Strength and honour.

Dean Who?

APFSCIL League Division 1, Sunday 22^nd January 2006

 

Crewe Alexandra 2 Capital Canaries 8

 

Norwich line-up: Semple, Higgins, Howard, Taylor, Bennett, Slater, Perrett (sub Stubbs 60), Utting, Wilson, Gallagher, Davies

 

It was an early start for Norwich’s 13^th man. Pete Harris, fresh from a hemorrhoid-inducing 26 hour flight back from his honeymoon in Australia, touched down at Heathrow, ditched the new Mrs Harris and hotfooted straight to Chiswick to focus his attentions on the Canaries’ march up the table.

 

“I mean I love her to bits. Well I married her didn’t I? And she does a mean finger buffet!” he winked to his team mates. “But 3 bloody weeks! I had to get back here, I tell you. I’m too much of a man’s man for poncing round vineyards” he said massaging tan maximiser into his newly waxed chest. Suitably moisturised, and with an extra cushion, Harris took his place on the bench alongside the chameleon Mike Stubbs, who is now living with Rick Utting.

 

Now this was a game the old Norwich could have lost. Crewe were always going to be up for it after drawing with Hibs last Sunday but with the new Utting warm-up regime, competition for places all over the park, and the spice boys’ jacuzzi closed for industrial cleaning, it wasn’t going to happen this time.

 

Slater signalled his intent in the first 2 seconds, kicking the tracksuited Crewe playmaker, Jim Jam, straight up in the air from the kick-off. (It was enjoyable to see roles reversed later in the game) Moments later, Gallagher was released down the inside left channel before being crudely chopped down on the edge of the box, and from the resultant free kick, Tom Perrett sent a curler just past the angle.

 

The passing, movement, marking and closing down was top class. Frazer worked tirelessly to keep shackles on the pyjamaed one in the midfield, freeing up Bennett and Slater to express themselves. Both wingers were willing runners, and Higgins and Howard at the back managed to keep Alex’s 3 main goal threats, Wadey, MacDonald and the alcoholic Dan Taylor, in check the few times the ball went down their end.

 

The yellows didn’t have to wait long for their first, (or their third) as Matt Davies completed a hat-trick in 5 minutes. He volleyed in a loose ball that the man on the line couldn’t keep out, then converted a penalty (No, Chris. No!) after the Crewe defender parried a Rick Utting strike off the line, then buried a deft Bennett miscontrol for the third.

 

Davies’ and City’s fourth came 10 minutes later. He exchanged passes with Perrett and Slater in midfield before being released into the box. The keeper saved his first effort but he followed up tucking the ball inside the far post.

 

Up the other end of the pitch, Taylor finally got the better of Higgins, slipped in his own vomit and neatly played in the Crewe frontman who lifted the ball past Semple in the Norwich goal, leaving Howard to jump feet first into the back of the net just a couple of minutes after the ball got there.

 

Davies rounded off the half, released by Gallagher on the left. Beating his man, he cut inside, and with 3 better-placed Norwich players screaming for the ball, gave keeps the eyebrows and stroked it inside the near post.

 

Into the second half and more of the same from City. The next goal came when Davies nodded on a long ball from Frazer for his apprentice to finish tidily. Crewe then nicked one back as Higgins and Semple got in a mess from a corner and let a softy in.

 

Gallagher, the first ever electronically-tagged APFSCIL player not to play for Stoke or Glasgow Rangers, quickly added Norwich’s seventh, tidily lifting an Utting cross over the keeper from a tight angle. He sprinted back to the centre circle muttering under is breath “Goal of the game, definitely f****** goal of the f****** game. F***  the lot of you, you c****! Goal of the f****** game!” And it probably was.

 

The scoring was rounded off when sub Stubbs sent Slater clear (and clearly offside possibly) on the right. The pale playmaker whipped a raking, unplayable cross 80 feet in the air to be met by a firm Davies header at the far post. That was the double hat-trick for the striker, a feat not achieved in the APFSCIL league since Matt Davies did it in 2003/04.

 

“It’s all about the win and the team. I don’t care about personal tallies. I don’t even look at goalscoring charts, honest.” said Matt ‘Six Machine’ Davies as he folded himself into a charcoal grey Porsche driven by a rather cute petite blonde. “And it’s nice to be back on the back pages again. The 3am girls can **** my ****”

 

                                                -----------------------------

 

Norwich Scorers: Davies (6), Gallagher (2)

MotM: Davies

 

Oh, and Barney pulled a lesbian last Friday

 

Think you got passion?

Think again ... you may be good, but you're playing in the shadows of (capital canary) gods! Guess what number Lee played in for CCFC (86 Goals in 120 odd appearances)?!

G & D, lads!

Elliot Boot wins euro millions

It has recently transpired that Barnaby Elliot Boot the Third (aka Barney Slater) has won £80 million pounds on the euro millions lottery. This, of course, is small change to Slater whose father, generously giving up his time having been busy knobbing Debbie Harry, said "I knew my daughter Barney would come good.  I always knew she would make it big ever since she completed her Barbie collection at the age of 16".

 

Slater who had previously worked as a boom holder for crap TV programmes, has now pledged asubstantial amount of his winnings to her mothers fight for justice.  Mrs Slater is still at war with the legal team of John Leslie (Ill tell u what love dont shag him then!!).  Leslie claims she came onto him, so do half the guests at Slaters party!

 

Slater, now the second richest woman at Norwich just behind Gaffer Higgins said "I have always been rich, but now im filthy rich.  My parents have never been so proud.  They have informed me however that if I shag a z list celebrity and tell my kids and their friends about it I can climb up even higher in their estimations".

 

Slaters availability has been called into question also, not because of the lottery win, just because he's shit.

Breaking News - Gallagher NOT dead

Contrary to earlier reports, Norwich City 3rd team striker Chris Gallagher is not actually dead. It is believed that he made an attempt to fake his own death which only failed when he was spotted breathing during his own post mortem.

When his stomach was seen moving up and down doctors removed a thin latex layer from the face to reveal that it was not in fact Chris Gallagher but actually Dermot Gallagher in a Chris Gallagher mask. Dermot Gallagher is currently being questioned by the police.

Chris Gallagher is still at large. It is believed that he is a threat to everything except the top goalscorers charts and should not be approached.

Gallagher dead

It is a tragic day for the APFSCIL league. Norwich city's reserve team striker Chris Gallagher has been killed whilst out practicing his shooting underneath the overhang of his estate in Woolwich, South East London.

It is believed that Gallagher was trying to hit a part of the wall that he had not previously daubed with anti-Matt Davies graffiti, a space that made up about 12 cm square. As Chris got more and more frustrated with his woeful attempts, he decided to end his practice session at about 1.34am this morning.

As he left he went to pick up some of the fast food wrapping that he had left on the floor with his bong, spliffs and flick-knife without realising that he had accidentally tied his own shoelaces together. As he bent down, he tripped and as he tried to protect the remains of a bacon double cheeseburger in his left hand and some Popcorn chicken (TM) with his right, he landed head first on the kerb next to his burnt out ford fiesta.

He was killed instantly. Gallagher's body was not found until 4pm this afternoon though despite the fact that all of his family will have walked right past it this morning on the way to the dole office. This is a matter being investigated by the police. We have no more information on the incident at this time.

Higgins opens scoring for 2006!

23.01.06

Veteran manager Andy Higgins started the year in style, winning The APFSCIL League's Manager of the Month award in style, with a 100% victory record including memorable wins over the division's top two title challengers.

Higgins said when receiving the award "Thanks".

Rumours linking the big red squirrel as a replacement for Graeme Souness as Newcastle manager have been laughed off by the man himself. He said "I laugh at those rumours like my wife laughs at the size of my pee pee"

Meanwhile, Norwich's midfield pairing of Thom Perrett and Barnaby Slater were today seen walking into the offices of Clare Rayner in London. It is believed that they have both recently split up with their girlfriends and that their manager Andy Higgins has paid for them to get the therapy needed to overcome their fear.

We will update you with news as we hear it

'Mimetic poly-alloy' fuss-ball!

APFSCIL Division One, Sun 15th Jan, 2006

Stoke City 2 Norwich City 4

"Gallagher I just couldn't do it to my girlfriend, well she's currently not my girlfriend you see, we're on a break she want's time and space and I'm prepared to give it to her and......." Oh fucks sake Slater shut up. Be a man like Perrett and shag anything that cooeying moves! By the way Tom thats the only compliment youll get here. An arduos trip to Frazers house for a lift to the game for Gallagher having to listen to the ramblings of a man who refused a poor young bubblegum girls pleas to be done from behind by the pale one. Only a look at Perrets mobile to see the state him, and prospective signing Rico Time, were in the previous night gave me any joy at all.

Seeing a gang of hoodies, smoking the biggest spliff I've ever seen, right outside the club house in Saddam Road would only to serve to strike fear into the hearts of lesser men than Captain Callum and his gang of rockstar wannabees. Inhaling some of their fumes though managed to calm down Perrett and Slater who were still a bit mystefied having seen Rico's black dong being thrashed around in their jacuzzi at an ungodly hour of the morning.

Anyway the match, no wait I nearly forgot that in the warm up Slater threw a few in his own net. Bloody hair got in his eyes didn't it, a new alice band should do the trick.

Manager Andy Higgins took a bold step in changing the tried and trusted 352 to a 352 only with the fith midfielder playing in front of the midfield as preferred to the back four. Would this kamikaze approach pay off? Do bears shit in the woods? Norwich started the match the better side, mainly because they are and a super through ball by Callum released a rejuvenated Gallagher down the left channel. Skipping past the 50 year right back was not easy but finishing in the corner from an angle past the hapless keeper was. 1 - 0 Norwich.

Expecting a rout and believing the hype that has surrounded the club since bashing the 'invincibles' (Hibs) TWICE, Norwich ended up conceding a sloppy goal to bring the scores level. Schoolboy error.

With half time drawing near, a small chav in the stoke team decided to kick the ball away for the 100th time with no punishment from the ref, so Gallagher decided it was a good idea to barge the 4 foot wonder. Little did he know the other 10 stoke players, who were more reminiscent of basketball than football players, would come and throw punches. Two hit Gallagher. Rephrase two poofs hit Gallagher, no one was not Slater! They must have been as Gallagher was not moved an inch, probably because he was in a headlock! Before all hell broke loose the ref called for half time with the scores level.

Half Time 1 - 1.

At half time Norwich mused whether to walk away from all the aggro. "No way we stay and play these off the park" was the rallying call of our braveheart skipper. Rich Stephenson muttered something about inches. Bored of hearing the speech again Higgins promptly subbed him! Andy Parling also came into the fray replacing Nick Seech.

Matt Davies, on for Rich and fresh from his latest modelling assignment, scored straight from the restart. A good strong finish past keeps. The second half was a fierce contest and with both Slats and Stokes keeps making saves the next goal could have gone either way. Unfortunately it went to Stoke. A good long range strike that had Barnaby Elliot Boot the third beaten all ends up, fair play. 2 - 2.

Norwich needed to up the tempo and play more football. So they did. Midway through the second half, Davies, shocked at being left out because of jealousy from the players about his superior good looks, scored another. Who cares if he was offside, not me! A cool finish past keeps into the top corner.

All that was left was for Danno Taylor to score what is now becoming his obligatory goal from a corner. Good delivery from Perre..... whoa nearly gave him another compliment. 4 - 2. I wont even mention here the chances I brilliantly set up only for Davies to kill some wildlife in the trees behind the goal.

Norwich won the game because they are better. Simple

MOTM Gallagher bloody right as well.

'04/'05 league and cup double winners get a different kind of double!

Division One

Norwich City 2 London Hibs 1

Sunday, 08 January 2006

The players in the Norwich dressing room looked fit, healthy and raring to go after the Christmas break - surely the wrong dressing room, not a mince pie and brandy gorged body to be seen, truly a lean, mean, Hibs caning machine. All was looking good for an unprecedented double over Hibs. At least until warm-up time when it was discovered that Callum 'Captain Marvel' Wilson's butler had forgotten to load the footballs in to the Land Rover. But even this was turned to an advantage when Gallagher's usual "boot as many balls miles high, wide and handsome as possible" pre-match routine was traded in for a proper warm up, Shock. Horror.

First Half

Straight from the kick off it started to go wrong for Hibs. The Norwich boys showing who wanted it more, immediately dispossessing the Hibs front 2 and setting the tone for most of the first half.

Norwich were on top of things easily in the first 10 minutes, winning the 50-50 balls and spraying it around with aplomb, the midfield finding the runs of Stephenson and Gallagher who forced the surprisingly agile Hibs keeper to pull off some good saves.

It wasn't long before the pressure paid off, from a corner on the right hand side, whipped in dangerously by Perrett. The ball fell to Taylor, perfect control and a dash to the by-line mugged the defender all ends up and all the hapless Hibee could do was bring Taylor down. Penalty, and thoroughly deserved. With Davies on the bench, the penalty was anyone?s. Have we ever seen Gallagher move so fast? How come the whole team let him take it? Will he ever take another? Needless to say, it was a great save. Well, it was saved.

This should have been the wake up call Hibs needed and briefly it was, very briefly. However, God was dishing out a harsh kind of justice today and Gallagher was in the firing line. The curse of the gashed head struck again in a Norwich v Hibs clash.

On came super sub Davies, not only devilishly handsome but now sporting double hard bastard head scars too. Game on. More Canary pressure ensued, some magical pass and move football being demonstrated by the yellow midfielders had the Hibees at sixes and sevens, (A green shirted fella, I think it?s a fella, calling himself Rico was heard mentioning how much better we played without the man himself, Barnaldinho. Surely just sour grapes from a jealous flatmate?)

After a solid 5 minutes of champagne footy a free kick was earned, miles out, slightly left of goal. I mean miles, well 30, 40, 50 yards. Perrett stepped up and bent one ?right into the danger zone?. Missed by the now infamous hapless defenders and as Taylor hit the breaks and let it fly right by, the ball nestled into the far corner. 1-0 a quality finish, and meant.

This did wake Hibs up and they started to threaten the yellow goal, bringing some questions to a so far untested debut keeper and boy did he have the answers. Leaping gracefully to tip a vicious shot over the bar and not long after, showing astute awareness to let one hit the post and rebound to safety.

The game had seemingly evened out, but it was again the Canaries who made the most of their chances, Davies picked the ball up showed some silky touches and split the Hibs defence with a pass for Utting to go one-on-one with the keeper and slot coolly past him in to the corner. 2-0. Half time swiftly followed. Hibs rattled, had a half time rant and blaming session.

Second Half

As expected Hibs came out strongly, forcing a couple of corners and for the first time beginning to stretch the Norwich defence. However, Norwich still showed both resilience and flair for the counter-attack and a swift passing move down the left wing and dangerous ball across the six yard box was narrowly missed by Boucher at the end of a 45yard run. Twenty minutes in to the half and starting to panic, Hibs lofted a long ball towards their striker who was still hiding in Taylor?s pocket. Unfortunately he?d been there so long Taylor forgot there was no need for a quick clearance attempt, and swung to volley away, with the ball taking a mid air bobble, before slicing off the outside of his foot and flying in for an own goal. 2-1

Buoyed by the lucky goal, and realising that another Taylor own goal was their most likely route to an equaliser, Hibs persuaded Richardson to brave the rain and wind, and climb out of Taylor?s pocket. But Norwich, reacting the correct way to the minor setback, took control again spreading the play down the wings when going forward and defending in numbers when rarely on the back foot, Higgins mopping up anything that came through and launching new Canary attacks.

15 minutes to go and it was time for a sighting of the much-maligned Bennett who came on for Stephenson, showing cool calm nonchalant touches to hold the ball up. Wilson, Boucher and Parling kept a grip on the midfield, Utting ensured the whole team kept driving forward and Davies kept the game interesting to the end by ballooning over when it was easier to score. A deserved victory for Norwich ? especially as they scored all the goals.

Final score 2-1

MoTM: Howard