Capital Canaries 5 Birmingham City 1

Davies ALWAYS delivers in a Norwich Kit!

Matt and Daughter, Hope Lily - born 17.12.06 (after letting Matt score his hatrick!)

Line up: Day, Howard, Taylor, Boucher, Slater, Jelbert, Tett, Wilson (60), Perrett (75), Gallagher, Davies (50), Harris (50), Utting (60), Seecharan N (75)

Sunday 17th December 2006

This date will go down in history, not only because Norwich gave Brum a deserved thrashing, but it is the birthday of record breaking hitman Matt Davies daughter, congratulations Matt on behalf of the whole squad, but beware my friend Perrett has shotgunned her when she turns sixteen.

And so it has come to this. Twelve months ago this Canaries team was struggling for form, lacking consistency and staring at a mid table finish. Fast forward a year and things could not be more different. A young(ish), determined squad of players, under the leadership of football guru Andrew Higgins, have put Norwich where they truly belong at the top of the APFSCIL tree, unbeaten and looking to re-write the history books. It has not been easy, not without sacrifice (Bubblegums 2006 profits have been severely hit) but it has been worth it, the job however is far from done and as Norwich go into the second half of the season they face some almighty challenges, however no team was ever better prepared to take it on. Well done in 2006 lads and lets make 2007 the year of the silverware!

Slater, in the absence of Higgins who was picking up his OBE for his achievements in football this year (only one league defeat this calendar year!), was picking the team in collaboration with skipper Rick Utting who was in the comfort of First Class, not bothering to make it on time for the grudge match against Brum. Slater, not in the best of mental states after the bus conductor spotted that he was a big poof and good old Bill McComish slated his bender hat, had some descisions to make. Should Pete or Gareth play centre back? Should returning Player of the Year Dan Taylor start or go sub? Should he come of the closet? Should he have told the lads about Rico moving in with his missus? Anyway, the G Man and Danno got the nod and the teams took to the field ready to tear stripes off each other having faced off in some fiery encounters earlier in the season.

The first of these encounters was refereed by a helpful chap who we were all led to believe was a neutral doing us all a favour. Suspicions were raised when he refereed like a blind spastic, but we were all assured he was as honest as the day is long. However, when we saw him lining up on the subs bench for Brum we knew we had been cheated out of all three points that day in November. Davies, yet to know he was about to become a father, summed it up best when he said "You cheating cunt"! This just made it all the more pleasing that we spanked their blue arses all over the park in the following contests (though they weren't much of a contest at all)!

The game itself was an absolute farce. Birmingham clearly did not deserve to be on the same pitch as their superior rivals, and this was evident from the start. Having totally dominated the opening exchanges Norwich finally made the breakthrough when Tett put in a super cross from the right and Davies finish showed exactly why he resides at the top of the goalscoring charts, quality left foot first time effort leaving keeps stranded. Birmingham must have known by now that they were going to be on the wrong side of a hiding. Soon after, Gallagher raced down the right and cut the ball back to Tett who scored via a deflection into the bottom corner.

Norwich carried on dominating their opponents right up until half time though did not rack up the cricket score that the half had promised to deliver. Davies and Gallagher were causing problems up front, and the trio in midfield of Jelbert, Tett and Boucher were busy out battling and out classing their moaning, stroppy opponents. Perrett and Frazer were giving a masterclass in wing back play, and Slats, G and Danno kept all threats at bay (though there were not many).

The second half was to bring nothing but misery to the moaning cheats in blue. Almost straight from the kick off Gallagher picked up a Boucher throughie and sped through on goal. Not for the first time this term Gallagher showed his unselfish nature and allowed his partner Davies to notch a second. Davies, who loves to score open goals from two yards, said to Gallagher, "Thanks"! Davies was not finished yet though, and when Perrett swung over another well taken corner Davies repeated the trick and fired home from close range, much to the annoyance of the keeper who had pre-occupied himself by wrestling Gallagher, what a schoolboy.

It really was getting boring how crap Birmingham were playing and Davies did what most people felt like doing and left. It was initially assumed by the more cynical of us that he was doing this just to take the piss out of his less predatory partner but it later transpired that he was busy delivering his first born in full Norwich City kit. Textbook. But then again Davies always delivers in a Norwich City kit.

Birmingham did get a goal but that was crap so wont get much of a mention here. What will get a mention here is the reaction to it. Slater had a full blown paddy and screamed "Not good enough" about nine times. If the lads didn't know yet this confirmed just what a posh twat he really is.

The scoring was rounded off when Gallagher, Norwich's player of the year in waiting, netted a stunning solo effort after being released by the energetic Jelbert, who was having a ball making the stroppy No. 5 bite at every opportunity. Textbook.

Birmingham only show of a bit of fight was their linesman. Having been closely tutored by their cheating ref he proceeded to give offside at every opportunity even before a forward pass had been played. Norwich were so far ahead this did not bother them so he took alternative action. Perrett went to take a throw in and got tackled by the pikie in blue. It says it all that this was the best tackle he put in all day, vindicating his gaffers descision to sub the useless git.

Feeling a bit bad that Birmingham were embarassing themselves so badly, Norwich inflicted a bit of self harm. First Tett showed his generous side by attempting to cross to Gallagher and landing flat on his face with the ball pea rolling in the other direction, classic. Slater however thought he could do better and when Gallagher squared the ball across the face of goal yet again Slater managed to lift the ball over the bar from one yard, quite a remarkable feat.

There was time for Perrett to get cruelly scythed down by the No.6 in blue. This No. 6 and his partner the No. 5 must surely be thinking that suicide is the only option after the way they played , and also the way that they bit at every wind up "OH JUST SHUT UP, GOSH!!!", Slater would fit into their team well.

So well done lads, you really showed that when you get eleven men out you do perform better than with nine, barely. Next time we play you we will let you play with twelve, but that won't be this season as we have already dumped you out of the cup.

Anyway, what a year for the boys in yellow, now is the time to push on and become the invincibles. I can only imagine what the win bonus will be if we win the double, Andy I'll email you xmas list this week!

MotM: Gallagher

Keeps 7
Looked assured and confident when called upon.

D. Taylor 8
Back where he left off, dominant in the air and on the deck

G. Howard 8
Strong performance from the G man

B. Slater 9
Played in all the central positions today, quality in all of them

T. Perrett 8
Fine display from the wide man

F. Wilson 8
Good to see him back in this kind of form

T. Boucher 8
Engaged, (congrats Tom) and played a great game

I. Jelbert 8
Kept his promise to feed Gallagher, what a guy

G. Tett 8
Another goal for the midfielder, should have got a brace

M. Davies 9
Another Hat trick, legendary stuff

C. Gallagher 10
Stunning performance capped by a stunning goal

P. Harris 8
Who would know he can play like that as a striker

N. Seecharan 8
Energetic performance from the club man

R. Utting 9
What else do you expect but a top drawer performance from Mr Reliable

Exeter 2 Capital Canaries 3

Team line-up: Slater, Howard, Harris, Higgins (Dan Taylor 75), Perrett, Jelbert, Tett, Boucher, Utting, Galagher, Bennett

“We don’t want a fight or anything, but ref, you had a really poor game…”

The yellows turned up to be greeting by a rather stressed caretaker, fretting that many of the dressing rooms were still un-swept, team names weren’t on the board and if he wasn’t careful his sideline in dealing second hand stolen goods might be jeopardised for good…given that knowledge it was nice to see Tett’s bike still where it was left before dressing, albeit under the close supervision of “the caretakers son”.

The time came for the lads to get their heads together and discuss the whereabouts of two things…the most important being Perretts moustache…an unfortunate casualty to a few days with an itchy top lip, which of course was nothing to do with the ex-girlfriend. The second being ‘keeps, who at the last minute chose Jason Orange instead Canaries Yellow, which some of us Pray won’t happen again, but will Never Forget.

So…a re-shuffle of the pack. Slater lined up between the sticks – much to the dismay of his dad who threatened to withdraw his support unless Barney was allowed a free role. Higgins can only have obliged as Slater enjoyed himself more than ever in a display Rene Higuita could only have dreamt about. Bennett came in for an absent Matt Davies (the lads sending their love to his heavily pregnant wife) whilst Boucher slotted into the middle occupying that bit of space Exeter historically have tried to dominate.

After inflating the 3rd choice match ball, the ref finally got the game underway, but it was Norwich who were slower to start. Captain Utting was still warming up his tonsils when the Exeter number 7 received the ball wide and capitalised by cracking a left shot past stand-in ‘keeps who was given no chance. Norwich had to pick themselves up.

From the kick off, some neat footwork and distribution from Jelbert and some keen foraging down the left hand touch line from Utting began to cause concern for the South-westerners. A number of neat touches and a strong performance in the air added strength to Bennetts case as CCs best ‘old fashioned centre-forward’ whilst Galagher (whose vest and long johns were tailor made for a professional athlete) worked the front line with typical endeavour and skill.

Despite the Canaries having the better of the play, it was Exeter who broke again, scoring their second on the 20 minute mark. This time Norwich found themselves flat footed on the edge of the area and a lucky shot rebounded off the bar only to sit up perfectly for a tap in, 2-0 and quite unjust. Heads didn’t go down though, as is the trade mark of this Canaries side. Utting got his voice going again and Perrett was now finding space on the right given good distribution from Slater and Harris. Howard was also making strides out from the back – winning the ball in the air and giving simple balls to the midfield. Boucher fed Galagher nicely on a number of occasions and he began to stretch the game.

With 5 minutes left of the half Jelbert stung another impeccable challenge on the Exeter no.10, and whilst both men jostled on the deck, Tett nipped in and drove the ball through to the edge of the area only to be cynically wrestled to the ground by a challenge lacking in both technique and desire for the ball. With hearts in mouths, Tett picked himself up and got on with it. Perrett meanwhile had collected the ball, taken position and duly blasted a free kick over the wall into the bottom right corner, a great strike. Norwich were now firing, 2-1 at half-time.

The Yellows emerged with the Higgins hairdryer ringing in their ears. Everyone had a job to do and they knew it.  From the kick off Norwich were quickest, Utting went down the left again, finding an energetic Boucher only for the move to break down in the final third, something that seemed typical of the afternoon. At the other end, Slater played it out from back only for the ball to find the feet of a well placed South-westerner. He struck the ball from 35 yards at an empty net only to find the head of a flying Gareth Howard, 6ft off the ground and mid-way through a neat triple summersault routine (with tuck), who had the audacity to just push the ball onto the bar and out of play. Slater’s dad was loving it and rightly so.

At the other end Norwich won a corner and a goal mouth scramble saw the ball ricochet into the net off the keeper who was stood a yard behind his line. Perrett led the celebrations, but wait, the ref hadn’t seen it. A sneaky hole in the side netting meant the goal went unnoticed, and even after passionate protest there was no changing the refs mind. Pity to see a supreme lack of honest from Exeter it has to be said.

The game had a bit of needle in it at this point, Utting told the no.8 to get a haircut and Galagher was at logger-heads with the whole back line, in typical fashion. The canaries broke again though, and this time it was Jelbert who was illegally infringed 30 yrds from goal, allowing Perrett the chance to swing in another delivery. In it came and there was Galagher…he’d risen above all in sundry to crash a header into the net and up his goal tally by another one…what a servant to the club, 2-2.

Norwich were controlling the game now. Rainy conditions and a lumpy pitch made the football less pretty than that seen previously at Chiswick sports ground, but it was effective. Howard was Sol Campbell-esq when driving from the back, and when he found Bennett’s feet 30yrds from goal, Exeter B team (now watching) could feel something special was about to happen. Bennett swivelled on-a-sixpence and laid the ball into Tett’s path who took one touch, had a look up, and then pulled the trigger with an absolute pile-driver of a shot into the top left corner. This sparked rapturous celebrations made oh-so much sweeter by the fact that the “real score” was now 4-2 and the South-westerners were beaten.

Norwich completed the game under the watchful eye of the talented Dan Taylor from central defence, coming on for Higgins. With minutes running down Galagher showed a very useful ability to hold up the ball and run down the clock, whilst the rest of lads battled through to the whistle with muscle and commitment. Officially 3-2, still unbeaten and in great spirit, the CCs wandered in cursing the ref and congratulating themselves on a job done. Whose next then?

MoTM: Greg Tett

Birmingham 0 Capital Canaries 6 (six)

Dave Baister Cup: Round 1

Sunday 3rd December

Brum sent to Coventry! (well, somewhere there or thereabouts!)

This report could not start off any other way than congratulating Canaries stalwart Pete Harris on the birth of his daughter Lois Sofia, and also congratulating Canaries spice boy Tom Perrett on the birth of his moustache. Despite these important events happening very recently, both turned up for the opening cup game of the Canaries season, Harris as a spectator and Perrett as a ..................well, spectator!

Norwich were dealt a couple of surprises before the game kicked off, firstly when the referee failed to show up, a decision that Keeps would later wish he had made. Secondly Birmingham took to the field with only nine men, a situation that this current Canaries side would never find themselves in. In order to rectify these situations Higgins took on the role of the man in black and to help Birmingham's plight Perrett promised to play crap and he didn't let anyone down (except himself).

With Matthew 'Gappy' Barrett out injured having followed Slaters advice to play at a much higher level, Norwich welcomed back the Lord Lucan of the side, Callum Wilson, into midfield. Slater himself slotted in at sweeper and Dutch porn star Bert Van Hoogenfloof turned out at right wing back.

Norwich started brightly without penetrating too much, ( a joke here is just too easy ) and found the breakthrough when Wilson volleyed home from 10 yards, showing good concentration as the ball took ages to come down from a great height. The second goal followed soon after when Gallagher was released down the left by Utting and raced through on goal, drew the keeper towards him and gave Davies the simplest of tasks. Two nil up early and a rout was expected but it did not come. Birmingham battled bravely with their numerical disadvantage and Norwich could not seem to find the motivation to put the game beyond doubt. Bad decision making, poor finishing and people playing crap did not help the cause. When Higgins blew for half time a feeling of frustration was seeping through both teams.

The second half offered a chance to put things right for Norwich but it wasn't taken. Perrett crossed an in-direct free kick straight into the net to his dismay. Gallagher was scythed down viciously only for his own manager to label him a cheating diving scumbag!!! Jelbert and Tett were getting upset that Frazer kept ruining all their good work in midfield so dismissed him into the back three and let Slater push forward. This inspired move changed the game. Moments after Frazer buggered off a piece of good football found Perrett in space on the right. A quick glance up and Perrett let fly at goal, despite the floundering effort from the keeper the ball found the back of the net via the inside of the post. The fourth goal was scored by Tom Boucher from close range following a sharp turn and parried shot by Gallagher. Davies found the net a second time when a deflected left foot shot found the bottom corner and the scoring was completed when Gallagher arrowed home from the edge of the box. All that was left was to wake up Keeps and tell Perrett to get a razor.

I. McMeckan 6
Did absolutely nothing through no fault of his own

T. Boucher 7
Strong, reliable and on the scoresheet

G. Howard 6
Solid and dependable

B. Slater 7
Saw lots of ball, used it well most of the time

T. Perrett 7
Got forward more than usual, cracking goal

R. Utting 7
Mr Reliable delivers again

F. Wilson 6
Good finish but where has he been?

G. Tett 7
Competed well, created a few openings

I. Jelbert 7
Tigerish midfield display

M. Davies 7
Two goals from the record breaker

C.Gallagher 8
Class showed , had a Physical and Mental advantage over his opponents

MoTM: Gallagher

Capital Canaries 8 London Hibs 1

Make mine 4 doubles, Daddy.

Perrett floats like a butterfly

Norwich Line-up: McMeckan, Slater, Bennett, Howard, Perrett, Tett, Jelbert, Barrett, Utting, Davies, Gallagher. Subs: Boucher (for Bennett, 75), Seecharan N, Higgins.

Having spent the morning watching the senior side liberally apply the vaseline, take their shorts down and bend over at Portman Road , the London branch would have been forgiven for going into this game a little dejected. But a bit of pre-match solidarity and a rousing talk from the gaffer put that to bed and City were on their game from the off, delivering their best all round performance of the season so far.

Champions Hibs, after having struggled for early season form, welcomed several players back and arrived at CSSC with renewed confidence on the back of an 8-1 mauling of ManU the previous week. The Norwich side saw the return of sex tourists Utting and Tett to the starting line-up, and Bennett slotted into defence in place of Harris, who was waiting at home with hot water and towels, wondering what the hell he was supposed to be doing with them.

The first 20 minutes were nip and tuck. Norwich had most of the ball without creating any clear-cut opportunities, and were dealing comfortably with Hibs’ forays forward. Slater, despite his generally deteriorating health, marshalled the defence with aplomb, read the game well and picked his passes carefully to feed the willing runners from midfield. Bennett and Howard were rock solid at the back, protected by Tett and Jelbert, leaving Keeps with very little to do all afternoon except play with his lustrous hair. Because he’s worth it.

The breakthrough came when Utting released Gappy down the left who twisted and turned before releasing the ball inside to Davies in support, who took a touch before leathering it past the onrushing keeper. A few minutes later it was 2-0. Beardo geography teacher lookalike Perrett delivered the first of several telling diagonal balls behind the Hibs back three, Gallagher meeting the ball at the back stick with a neat finish from an awkward height back across the goal.

Hibs were rattled and the third goal came shortly before half-time. Postman Perrett delivered again from the right, the ball missing everyone in the middle only to bounce to Davies, on the far left of goal, who met the ball on the trolley with his swinger, arrowing the ball past a helpless keeper and inside the far post.

From this point the result was never in doubt, and it was just a case of how many. To be fair to Hibs they were beset by injuries. Two of their team limped off in the first half, a further two picked up knocks in the second half, and another was clearly struggling with a non-specific trouser infection. But this should take nothing away from a cool-headed, disciplined, and at times, devastating performance from Norwich .

Not content with a comfortable win, "The Boss" and Capt. Utting expect more .. more goals, more blood and sweat, more humiliation.

The yellows started the second half as they had finished the first. Tett and Jelbert were running the midfield and the latter got himself on the scoresheet ten minutes into the half. Davies played the ball along the line from inside the Norwich half. Jelbert collected the ball on (but not over) the touchline, outpaced and outfought the covering defender, and cut inside before lifting a curling shot past the Hibs stopper into the roof of the net. Cue pandemonium and plenty of hugging and inappropriate touching by Higgins and Seecharan on the Norwich bench.

Hibs got their consolation goal with twenty minutes left. For the first time all afternoon Norwich failed to deal with a long throw. The ball was flicked on at the near post and headed in from six yards leaving Keeps no chance. The way the scorer dug the ball out of the back of the net, and sprinted back to halfway, clearly showed he thought they had a way back into the game. But this blot on an exemplary afternoon just served to galvanise Norwich, and they scored four times in the final period without reply.

Gappy got the first, pouncing on a rebound from Perrett’s freekick. He then won a penalty when his cross was charged down after being released by Utting down the left, which Davies converted for his hat-trick. Gallagher coolly slotted Jelbert’s through ball before Davies, fed by Gappy, rounded things off with a strike from just inside the box [Ed: which, incidentally, moves Davies into CCFC all-time, top scorer spot, netting a whopping 88 goals in 59 appearances].

The only sour point of the afternoon was when Jelbert announced that since he wasn’t man of the match this week he didn’t want to play next week. Boucher, silver fox and all-round utility man, back from romancing in Canada , played a solid cameo at centre back and could make a return to his favoured holding berth in the midfield. Also back in contention could be Callum Wilson but don’t put any money on it. G Man also said he couldn’t be bothered next week allowing for Harris’ return, providing he can convince Mrs H to deliver his offspring before Sunday. A hard stare should do the trick. It usually does.

Norwich scorers: Davies (4), Gallagher (2), Jelbert, Barrett

MotM: Davies

"Lean, mean and quite simply .. a GOAL-SCORING Machine!"*

Strike 2!

Please join me in congratulating MATT DAVIES who, with his goal haul yesterday, has become the Capital Canaries all-time top goal scorer with 88 Goals in 59 appearances!

On burying the pen, Matt equalled CCFC legend, Lee Boswell who netted 87 goals in 124 appearances. And the final low drive into the bottom left, took Matt to new and lofty heights that I am sure even he dared not dream about.

Well Done Matt! Especially since you reached Lee's long-standing record in less than half the number of appearances.

I am sure the lads all join me in willing you on to break the 100 mark before the end of the season.

LEGEND.

On the Ball!

* Title quote borrowed, with the utmost respect, from the Master himself - Lee Boswell.

Birmingham 2 Capital Canaries 2

Take it up the Brum!

Team line-up: McMecken, Howard, Harris, Higgins (75), Seecharan N (45), Perrett, Slater, Jelbert, Barrett, Davies, Galagher, Utting (45), Tett (75).

On a not that wet, not that windy, not that sunny afternoon, the Big C’s faced a Birmingham United team who were fresh from their best run of the season, a hatrick of muggings, a brace of car thefts and a burglary all on Friday night showing the blues really are returning to form.

In a refreshing change the Canaries actually had men on the bench and didn’t have to assure an unsuspecting Tom Morely that the blisters really were worth it. Utting and Tettley, not that fresh from their trip to Thailand, chose to stand next to, rather than sit on the bench, blaming one too many nights of ping pong; "Keeps" seemed particularly sympathetic. Perrett, sporting a strange meatloaf like growth all over his face demanded his team start like a Bat out of Hell, he then knelt down and carried on polishing his platinum plimsoles.

The canaries wrestled hard to gain control of the first 30 mins, a few promising balls played forward by the yellow banded Barney McEnroe and some nicely floated balls from Harris and Seech gave messers Gappeo, Davieseo and Galagherinho meat to chew on, but sadly no goal. Minutes later good work from the midfield gave Galagher another chance to run at the defense, he gladly obliged but to the dismay of the crowd the recently self proclaimed goal provider took things a little too far, squaring the ball for….no one.

With a goalless first half looking even more likely than another sad intra-canary criticism, the lack of a very debatable offside decision allowed the half decent numero neuf to finish his earl grey, establish the ref had chosen not to blow for the obvious, and stride forward to lob a helpless Keeps.

Halftime 1:0.

A concise, positive and clearly constructed team talk banished thoughts of any more in-house moaning and immediately left the intelligent, degree bearing Norfolkonians itching to put things right. Their start could not have been better. A 14 pass move from the kick off gave an indication of what was to come, moments later Davies laid the ball back to Jelbert who stroked it out wide to the onrushing and slightly sore substitute Utting, he drilled the ball across the box and gleefully watched Matt Upson’s shorter fatter brother stab the ball home. Utting claimed the goal.

The Yellow defense, led by the fit again Higgins, continued stifling the occasional Birmingham attacks with Keeps managing to maintain concentration by pretending he was writing his next squash match report. Howard’s solid defending was complemented by a few ‘lets go mental’ runs spanning half the length of the pitch. Inspired by this Jelbert played a neat one two with the heavily tanned Utting and flew down the wing definitely keeping the ball inside the sideline, a deliberately third rate cross rebounded back to Gappy who unsurprisingly let fly with a rasping shot into the bottom left of the goal. As his team mates rushed to congratulate him signs that his recent leap to fame were causing mental anger management issues were confirmed when he pulled his shirt over his head, hoping no one would notice him, when they did, he unloaded a barrel of unpleasant swear words in quick succession.

With Perrett continuingly whipping in dangerous corners and Tett now on the field and showcasing his usual good touches and clever distribution, not to mention his post-Thailand John Wayne-like run, things looked back on track for the yellows. After a strange anatomy lesson assuring followers that your head is somewhere between the calf and the heel, the final moments can only be described in a rhyme;

With the minutes ticking down, and the Canaries hunger eating up the ground,
The yellows were rightly playing out the game, their defense looking sound,
A final kick forward by the girls in blue, saw a collective casual trot from the midland so rubbishest crew.
Perrett swung, deliberately missing with a wild punt, and the ref gave his final decision of the day confirming he was an absolute……fool.

The last minute equaliser ensured the Canaries left the field in a dejected manner, the final chant of ‘bring back the gay ref’ summed up their afternoon.

Fulltime 2:2

MoTM: Jelbert

Remember, remember the 5th of November ...

.. gunpowder (or should that be damp fireworks) and treason as Norwich plot to cede the upper hand to a resilient Stoke City.

CCFC 2 Stoke City 2

Team Line-up: McMeckan, Slater, Harris, Howard, Barrett, Perrett, Jelbert, Morley, Seecharan N, Davies, Gallagher.

It was a day just made for free flowing football, but ended as lame as a damp firework.

The early exchanges saw both teams battling for advantage, the ever excellent Jelbert with the assistance of Morley dominating the centre of the park. Stoke's main threat consisted of the long ball over the back for their 'speed merchant' of a centre forward to run on to.

Fortunately Slater, acting as Captain, manager and mentor distributed his defence wisely and chose Howard to mark the man in question. This effectively nullified any chance that Stoke had to progress in the first-half as Howard intercepted the ball on several occassions. The one time Stoke did break, Slater launched himself in to a challenge and reappeared with the ball adjusted to his towelling headband, calmly passing the ball in to midfield.

Although far from their best, Norwich gradually applied the pressure. After 20 mins another excellent corner from Perrett was met at the far post by Harris, who being marked by absolutely nobody managed to force the ball back towards goal. Stoke were relieved to see the chance cleared from the line only for it to break to Morley who powered the ball into the roof of the net. Not pretty but very,very effective.

Stoke continued to probe forward and from a corner had several shots at goal but just as they appeared to level Gappy, in line with the goal mouth, dived to his left, swung a leg and cleared the ball .The game then turned into a really cheesy Pantomime as Stoke insisted that "it was behind you" ... "on no it wasn't " replied Norwich's roving midfielder ... "oh, yes it was" the Stoke team bayed ... I swear I saw Bobby Davro by the corner flag ...

The only passage of quality football in the first half saw the hardworking Davies interchanging with Gappy ,the resulting ball found Gallagher who skilfully drew the defence by shaping to shoot. The resulting overlap brought back memories of the great Barbarians try of the mid 70's with Seechy carrying the ball (and himself) over the goal line. A delight!

HT: 2-0

Games are often decided by very small details ... the very small detail in this case being that Morley had size 11 feet but had chosen to wear his sister's size 6s! With blisters reducing Tom's ability to move, let alone run, Norwich found themselves effectively down to 10 men. The pressure began to mount. Stoke threw caution to the wind and began to 'double team' Seechy on the left. With 15 mins left the extra man found space, resulting in a scrambled goal.

Now two key decisions were left that afternoon for the official. The first being whether Gappy should be penalised for being fitter, faster and better than the Stoke central defender. Gappy 'hunted down' the floundering defender in to his own box, calmly robbed him, and was about to pass the ball into the corner of the net when the referee awarded a free kick to Stoke. Clearly the Norwich player had broken Law number 437, which states that 'no individual should have superior ability to the opposing player '.

And indeed he was right. Gallagher sacrificed his creative instincts and sensibly moved back into the Canaries midfield. Norwich managed to string a couple of passes together culminating in Perrett being released on the right hand edge of the box. Now Tom seized his opportunity, driving into the box, assisted by his now (in)famous "slowest stepover in football history". The defender could not cope with such skill and fell off balance and lunged for the ball ... Note to ref: when a defender commits to a challenge totally off-balance, you will hear one of 2 noises ... the first being a low pitched thud, about the consistency of putty being dropped from arms-length if contact is made with the ball. The second a loud 'crack' as a shin pad is shattered into tiny pieces ... every single player, Stoke and Norwich alike, looked at the penalty spot. But oh dear! The ref got his thuds and cracks mixed up ( I suspect not for the first time) and waved play on.

You can all guess what happened next, as Stoke having left 5 players upfront broke away and slotted a well taken goal passed the excellent McMeckan.

Although this was perhaps a fair result it felt all wrong to the tiring Norwich players. Football, Hey? Bloody hell!!

MoTM: Harris

CCFC 9 Exeter City As 2

Team Line-up: tbc

With the rain lashing down on proceedings for the first time this season at the Civil Service Sports Ground the Capital Canaries ensured the day was about to get even drearier for the travelling fans of Exeter.

Within minutes of the ‘camp as you like’ referee signalling the beginning of the tie, Davies received a sitter of an opportunity and dutifully headed the ball home from close range after some ‘argy-bargy’ in the Exeter box. The goal was not however Norwich’s first opportunity, moments earlier the ball had flashed across the visitor’s 6 yard box with both outstretched home and away players managing to miss contact with the elusive leather sphere of hope.

The Canaries were clearly stamping their authority on the game, attempting to add more justification to their reputation as a high scoring side. Barrett turned his marker on the corner of the 18-yard box after a cunning throw in from Slater and rifled home first time into the near corner with the spectacularly hapless keeper managing only to push the ball into the side netting. Two goals to the good, any spectator could be forgiven for expecting a cagey end to the first half, however after a somewhat loopy effort of a free kick from Barrett, Davies found himself with yet another gift to tap the ball into the goal unchallenged. 3-0.

From a similar position Barrett unleashed an altogether more threatening free kick enabling the keeper only to push the ball into the top netting to make it 4. The Canaries were playing a standard of football rarely seen on this planet, slick one touch passing to feet with outstanding off the ball movement and support which led to reports the Gaffer had lost all control of his bladder, symbolically representing the conditions of the day and the yellow onslaught being witnessed.

After an exquisitely weighted through ball from Bennett on the half-way line Barrett strode through the middle of the park taking four touches to travel 40 yards and slot neatly into the bottom right hand corner. This was beginning to become a rout. 5-0

To end the first half with two players on a hat-trick is the stuff Sunday league dreams are made of and Davies was about to make that a dream come true for the home fans of 4 geese and a squirrel. With a nicely taken third goal dispatched low to the keeper’s left from 12 yards.

Marlene was fairly well protected by the defensive three having to make only a couple of saves in the first half. However one was of particular importance with the straight-haired one cupping the ball round the post with his extended right hand.

Half-Time

Six nil down at half time the Exeter squad were understandably defeatist in their attitude, however their approach to the remainder of the game caught the Canaries on the back foot with a few chances early in the second half. Thom ‘sex pest’ Perrett worked tirelessly in the second half of the game to run rings around himself and tie his own legs up in knots, confusing and baffling all witnesses with his thomfoolery. His randomness paid off as he provided a whipped cross from the corner for the visiting keeper to push into his own net, obviously still stunned from the Shakin’ Stevens act from Perrett.

Throughout the game Jelbert worked like a Trojan up and down the midst of the action winning and dispatching the ball in the quagmire like centre of the pitch. Slater as usual aided his sidekick winning every 50/50 and commanding every aerial balls from the oppositions goal kicks with his banded locks. At this stage every player on the park was going a little ‘slide-tackle mental’. Seven goals to the good Barrett latched onto yet another through ball, this time from Davies to finish with ease past the Exeter goal keeper, compounding his misery whilst dragging the score-line to 8-0. Davies could have made it nine if not for the heroics of the Exeter number one parrying around the post making his first and only save of the game.

Exeter showed a commendable amount of fight and spirit bagging a headed goal from a corner and slotting a penalty past ‘I always guess the right way’ Marlene after Pete expertly handled in the home box, screaming at the ref to revert his decision. It was noted later by the dressing room joker that ‘The ball hit my hand’ is not the best of defences to put forth.

This fight back coincided with the tactical switch in positions of Slater and Bouch, both of whom were having solid games. This change left the gathered masses, as well as their fellow players, baffled trying to ascertaining any reason for allowing Exeter an opportunity to ‘put the frighteners’ on the home team.

The referee had cause for concern after the ball of pain struck him ‘right on the tendon’ initiating a heartfelt ‘Tosser’ remark to leave his lips directed at a member of the home defence, however, without knowing precisely who attacked him in this vicious manner the culprit escaped scot-free and is still at large in the Chiswick area. All refs are urged not to approach him.

With the score locked at a tense 8-2 Barrett broke down the right wing crossing to the far post with Bennett’s go go gadget foot meeting the leather and forcing the ball over the line. Minutes earlier a goal bound effort from the striker had been cleared Ashley Cole style off the visitors’ goal line.

With so many bleeding goals it’s a right strain to talk about any other points of the game save for Marlene’s top drawer flexibility, usually implemented down the local puff’s parlour, to keep out a goal bound effort from an Exeter player.

Debut for Chris at right back went as well as any initiation with some smart play down the right linking up well with the midfield with calls from certain sections of the fans (and players) for Perrett to be replaced with the new boy wonder.

With the Capital Canaries top of the table and looking stronger by the game confidence is growing in the camp. Their next fixture in a fortnight’s time could sort the men from the boys.

In a post match interview after receiving the bottle of Fosters with a twist, Barrett stated “Jelbert should have won this man of the match, I hate writing match reports.”

MoTM: Gappy

Ten Green (and yella) Bottles ...

Sunday 15th October 2006

Manchester United 1
Norwich City 10 (ten)

Being spotted in a bar normally frequented by gays at
3am is not really the best preparation for a crunch
game at the top of the APFSCIL league. Fortunately
for Norwich City shot-stopper Ian McMeckan he hardly
had to break sweat as the Canaries swept aside a Man
Utd team who proudly boasted a 100% record coming into
this fixture. It was a well earned rest for 'Keeps'
as he has become affectionately known, after all the
bum drumming he had partaken in earlier that morning.
There was also pre - match concern over the morale of
midfield general Barney Slater, not because he had
been asked to play out of position at sweeper but
because he had not been invited along with Keeps to
the gay bar, which is incidentally Slaters local.

Man Utd turned up for the game with only ten men, so
gaffer Andy Higgins, outraged at being overlooked for
the job vacancy at Carrow Road, offered to loan
wing-back and regular substitute Tom Perrett to the
reds to even up the numbers. However the reds boss
had seen Perrett in the warm up and decided to press
on with ten.

Norwich were pumped big time for this game and boy did
it show. Within minutes Norwich were ahead, Gappy, a
much more serious threat to Davies' golden boot than
creator in chief Gallagher, followed in a shot from
distance, a real strikers goal. Before Utd had time
to blink they were two down. This time an inch
perfect cross by Perrett was met by the head of Davies
who got himself off the mark for the season. Sensing
the Man Utd players dis-array Norwich went for the
jugular, and indeed the spectacular as Gallagher hit
an absolutely outrageous cross with the outside of his
right boot to the back post where Davies converted his
second header of the day. Gallagher, in a
particularly unselfish mood then slipped a through
ball into the path of Gappy who ran through to score
his second of the afternoon with another crisp finish.
Norwich, four goals to the good within the first
fifteen minutes were on fire.

There was still time in the first half for Davies to
really take the piss and grap his hat-trick of headers
this time meeting another accurate Perrett corner and
looping his header into the net. Davies found time to
score again in the half but by this time he was just
showing off! The only blip of the half for Norwich
was when G Faircloth got his obligatory goal via a
well struck free kick. The wall done its job about as
well as an inflatable dartboard and left Keeps
helpless, though someone said if it had of been a
cheeseburger flying at him he would've caught it.

The second half picked up where the first left off,
with Norwich dictating and dominating the game. Any
time Man Utd tried to attack the Cap Cans, they were
expertly thwarted by the three musketeers at the back,
Slater, Harris and Howard. Ian Jelbert thought he
would try and build on last weeks motm performance by
scoring this week, only everytime he tried to do so
his goalbound efforts found someones arse, elbow or
shin. Frazer, upset at not finding the net himself,
feigned a head injury to prevent Gallagher from
scoring when he was clean through. Gappy, having been
so clinical up till now went on to miss a host of
chances to complete his hat-trick. When he finally
did convert a chance to rack up his third goal he
celebrated as wildly as Keeps did when he got inside
the gay bar.

The eighth Norwich goal of the afternoon came when
Rick Utting, who played majestically on the left hand
side, burst down the channel and crossed only to see
the ball turned into the net by a Man Utd defender.
Somehow he got credited with the OG. The ninth goal
came when Gallagher, bored with giving Matt Davies
open goals from two yards only to see him miss,
produced some quick footwork and a neat finish to add
his name to the scoresheet. The game was rounded off
when Davies plundered his fifth and Norwichs' tenth
goal, proving what an idiot Gallagher is for thinking
he might be top scorer!

How they rated?

I. McMeckan 7
Untested but confident and comfortable when called
upon

B. Slater 8
Commanding and a real leader at the back

P. Harris 7
Found time to foray forwards as well as being solid
defensively

G. Howard 8
A towering performance

T. Perrett 9
Quality delivery and unlucky not to score (withdrawn,
again)

R. Utting 9
Another great display from Mr Reliable

C. Wilson 7
A real father figure on the pitch

I. Jelbert 8
Solid and strong in centre midfield

M. Barrett 9
Hat trick hero

D. Winton 9
Five goals a real supermarket sweep

C. Gallagher 10
World class performance

T. Boucher 8
Quality replacement shows depth of squad

A. Higgins 11
Great decision to remove Perrett

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

Chiswick 90K

Last Sunday afternoon saw The Capital Canaries take time off from playing football to gamely participate in two tests of stamina taking place around the London district. The irrelevant Nike 10K drew the attraction of a few of the squad, while the bulk of the team took part in the Chiswick 90K uniquely held on pitch 4, Civil Service Sports Ground, Chiswick. The first minor problem of the day occurred with the realisation that not only were the big C's completing their 90K dash on a wind swept sports field, Aberdeen United F.C were holding a soccer training match on the same pitch.

With the advantage of an extra 30 mins warm up 3 of the Canary Joggers chose to take a soccer ball and fresh from researching and collating proven warm up techniques in Clairefontaine, discarded them and punted balls at an empty net, gaining a particular sense of achievement from smashing the ball in the corner from 6 yrds.....unopposed. The emergence of Utting, with the red 'C' band proudly wrapped (3 times) around his left water pistol, prompted a Higuita scorpion kick from Gappy that will have sent reverberations surely felt by our yellow wearing brothers half way across the world.

2 minutes and 37 seconds before the big hooter was blown, the remaining athletes jogged out - impressed by the temporary goalkeeping display of Chris ' I'm really keen and can make my eyes go really big' Gallagher. Seconds later the race began.
0- 20K With Aberdeen United FC kicking off their practice match at the same time the first 20 kilometers of the run was a hectic and passionate affair. In an amazing display of versatility the Canaries, uninvited, joined in with the soccer game and for a while ran the show. The midfield trio linked well, giving some appetizing balls for the wing backs to apply their Paul Daniels like trickery, and in what was a contrast to the rest of the race, actually supplied ball to the otherwise starved feet of the strikers. The early commitment paid a whopping Vodafone like dividend, a slick move led to Gappy racing down the wing with a perfect crossing opportunity. Gallagher, Davies and Perret's waited in anticipation, their goal scoring taste buds on full secretion mode, dripping like Bouncer's Pink Tongue on a walk with Helen Daniels and Hannah. Gappy looked up, crossed, and accidentally bent the ball into the top right corner; 1-0 Canaries.
21K - 45K Happy with the goal the Canaries left the game and got back to what they were really there to do - run. As the kilometers clocked up they were entertained by the animated shouts of Angus McMoanalot and Bonny McUrBiast, both particularly non-instrumental in the Scots practice sesh. In a strange break from the monotony, Bennett spotted a stanchion 50ft up a near by tree, with a ball fortuitously rolling towards him, and encouraged by the firm words of 'make sure' from Howard, he did just that.

46K - 73K Buoyed by the belief that the hardest part of the race was done, the Canaries started the downhill section of the course with a spring in their spikes. Unfortunately a wrong turn early on led the pack onto a frustratingly familiar uphill surface. Reports in the press that Higgins was still fuming from his recent loss in the 'I decide what time we kick off' celebrity deathmatch, were confirmed with some tremendous yet very firm, last ditch tackles on unsuspecting Aberdeen trainees.

74K With the light beginning to glow at the end of the proverbial tunnel, the younger of the Hoofus McDoofus brothers at the back of the Aberdeen defense launched another ball into outer space. With moon dust fresh on the surface the ball re-entered the atmosphere, took a horrible bounce and was knocked into the back of the net by a curly haired haggis. For once Neil, the only runner to wear gloves, could not batter the ball away.

75K - 90K With some athletes feeling the pace and others just plain disgusted by all that running, the Canaries got involved with a little more soccer playing for the final 15 kilometers. Back from holiday, radiant Frazier, despite suffering from sunburn on his left calf gamely played on, mainly in the centre circle and instigated a few final kilometer moves. Gallagher, fresh from a spell of running on the left wing sent a header just over, and Davies and Gappy also went close, the older Hoofus McDoofus putting in a few game saving challenges.

As the Canaries broke the finishing tape, the Aberdeen practice match finished and the players started their 3 mile trudge back to the showering areas. The final controversy of the day occurred over the unusually expensive post match drinks. With Gappy many votes ahead in the man of the match poll, the manager decided there was slightly more chance of a match report from......anyone else but Gappy ....and 'recommended' the remaining votes were wasted on Jelbert.

Happy Birthday Boss!!

40? you don't look a day over 39.363! Hope you had a great day, while at the same time focussing long enough to steel your charges for the early season crunch match against Aberdeen, Division One's other nearly there's.

CCFC 3 Boro 0

Team Line-up: McMeckan, Harris, Higgins, Boucher, Seecharan N (45), Perrett (60), Tett, Slater, Bennett, Gallagher, Barrett, Davies (45), Jelbert (60)

The Capital Canaries continued their dream start to the season with goals from in-form forwards Gallagher and Barrett. The unexpected striking duo has tallied 7 in two games to take a solid looking Norwich joint top.

The first half demolition of Middlesbrough was enough to gain the points for the canaries though a spirited fight back from the north eastern outfit was enough to give the boys in yellow a few late frights. If it were not for the acrobatic brilliance of McMeckan in the home team’s onion bag the score line may not have ended so favourably for the home side.

A goal bound effort had to be expertly turned around the post by the keeper known fondly as Marlene by the home fans to ensure his side’s first clean sheet of the season.
The game started brightly for Norwich with Barrett latching onto two through balls within the first five minutes only to miss the target with the make-shift Middlesbrough keeper bearing down on the striker, the intent for the game was signalled. The 3 man midfield brilliance gave the visitors no chance, winning every 50/50 and supplying the strike force with wave after wave of chances.

Any opportunities Middlesbrough had in the first half were few and far between with the Norwich defence ensuring all shots were from a distance. Gallagher opened the scoring with a neat finish across the goalkeeper. Opening up to use the instep of the right boot from an acute angle on the left, the goal was just rewards for a striker who worked tirelessly chasing the through balls so often delivered by the midfielders Tett and Bennett, a forceful pairing ensuring the trademark Norwich short passing game was stamped on proceedings.

Barrett provided further warnings of things to come for the visitors as a sublime cross from Slater was met by the leaping salmon only to be dismissed for a corner by the gloves of the impending keeper. Shortly afterwards Barrett stumbled into the path of the ball, and seeing no support drove purposely forward, cutting inside on his favoured left foot drilling a daisy cutter from 18 yards into the depths of the ‘boro goal.
Numerous corners and free kicks followed as the visiting side felt the pressure of a classy Norwich outfit with the bit between their teeth. The onslaught continued with Gallagher threatening from Slater through balls and Seecheran linking the play nicely down the right hand side.

All play was initiated from the cultured boots of the back three of Harris, Higgins and Boucher, showing not only a dogged determination to keep a clean sheet but a quality rarely seen of defenders to initiate play with intelligence and guile. Out on the left Perrett found himself with both time and space to pick his passes, his sidewinder-esque turns succeeded in humiliating the Boro right back to provide further ammunition with which the forwards fired. Barrett’s second goal reflected the gulf in quality of the teams; the converted wing-back out muscled Henry, the Middlesbrough gaffer, in the midfield and progressed forwards with a swing of the cultured left foot caught the visiting keeper unawares as he could only parry the ball into the side netting.

The second half proved to be an altogether more even affair, Slater coming closest to adding a fourth for Norwich with a technically sound right foot volley from 12 yards after a comedy of errors in the boro box. Davies added an alternative option up front showing glimpses of the threat he poses with both power and determination. Middlesbrough showed some drive and purpose forcing corners and a duo of superb saves from Marlene.
Jelbert continued the good work of Perrett on the right providing more crosses and neat footwork for the fans to enjoy. The two sorts on the sideline were later heard to remark the ‘one with the long hair’ likes a whinge.

Boro evidently found the quality and pace of the Norwich team too much to handle with some rash challenges going largely unpunished by the referee. A card was eventually shown to the boro centre half in the 88th minute for ‘an accumulation’ of poor tackles leaving some canaries justifiably crying ‘ooh ref’.

In the end a job well done for the Capital Canaries who will look to build on their impressive start to the season in their next game in a fortnight’s time.

MoTM: Gappy

ESPN's match review of NorWich Vs Ireland Sunday

The world soccer governing body FIFA were pissed this morning as it emerged that Republic of Ireland only fielded two Irish athletes in their International League Game against NorWich Sunday. The game was far from the dull zero zero stalemate that was predicted by some soccer experts as the scorebag was well and truly hit a number of dazzling times in a match-up that ended 9 scores to 5 to the yellows of NorWich.

In football, as in life, the third down is a manly-man down. It's a put-hairs-on-your-chest down, a shot-and-a-beer down, a stare-down-the-bully down. It's when a team's essential character is revealed, for better or worse. But, despite the NorWich players shaving all the hairs from their chest, ordering 11 pina coladas and wincing at the site of bully on their third downs Sunday, they still somehow managed to reign victorious at Civil Service Superdome.

Quarterback Barney Slater threw 4 touchdown passes in the game earning him the Vincent Lombardi man of match trophy, and a blowy from his keen coach Higgins. Elsewhere 'Gappy' ran for 198 yards scoring two touchdowns as did Chris Gallagher who ran an incredible 48 yards throughout the game, with all of them coming in the first two quarters. The other goal was scored by pre-season MVP Rick Uttingley, fresh from signing his pectoral sponsorship deal with 'Dumbell Automatic' for a reputed $15million.

As well as 'Gappy', 'Keeps' was also pulling on his pads and helmet for the first time for his new franchise. "I think we took a step forward today" he said as he surveyed a locker room loaded with players who were at high school with him as far back as 1999. "We haven't arrived but we did some good things today. We stepped up knowing the Irish weren't just going to lay down and die for us".

The yellows did some good things in quarters 1+2, the money downs, on this gorgeous afternoon. After going 10 and 0 at the beginning of this year there was a lot to live up to and they certainly lived up to that hype in the first half. The offense were in great touch in 1+2, sticking the ball in the scorebag 5 times before the half-time Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. But, in the 3rd and 4th quarters it was the NorWich defence that came to the fore as a seemingly drunk Paul Bennett managed to confuse his team-mates enough for them to let in 5 notches before the umpire threw the flag in for the end of the game.

Slater's career highlight performance was tempered with a bad attitude throughout as he pistol-whipped his colleagues to improve their performance. This was not taken well by running-back Gallagher who was heard to utter the immortal words "I was first pick in the draft". Let's hope the two of them can make up before next Sunday's showpiece showdown against the Middlesbrough middleweights who play out of Minnesota.

NorWich have high expectations of a good season in this Southern division, and will need to shore up their leaky backline if they are to do so. Rumors of a comeback from defensive line Danno Taylor seem wide of the mark at the moment, as he was seen heading to the physio for repairs to his glass knee.

It was left to coach Higgins to round off the day…. "I believe that we have a lot of good, young guys who continue to get taught well. I want to mention that I think our coaching staff has done an outstanding job, both offensively and defensively. I'm very proud of the way the team played today and it's good to see Thom Perrett out of the Priory clinic at last"

by Dick Enberg.

Five Alive!

This is what happens when men who really should know better, adorn the "colours" and play heroes for a day:

Capital Canaries represent at Jez Vaughn's 6th annual Jo Fagan 5s Tournament. Squads as follows:

Capital Canaries 1 - Ian McKecken, "G", Nick Seech, Thom Perrett (c), Martin (honorary canary), Chris Gallagher.

Capital Canaries 2 - Tom Seech, Matt Semple, Rick Utting (c), Niek Kolkman (honorary canary), Dale Winton (err Matt Davies) & Chris (his bird's a NCFC season ticket holder, honorary canary) Griffiths.

And the rest, as they say, is history ...

These boys mean business! (Niek, Tom Seech and Matt rue their early exit from the big boys competition)

And ... uh .. these boys clearly don't .... muppets! (Martin, Chris and Thom definitely not rueing our heady rush towards the finals of the plate*

Although ... captain fantastic Thom Perrett may well play the fool with the boys during 'down time', but he's all heart (baby) when it comes down to the business end of the tourno ... (now you see him dazzle in the white ..)

Now you don't! (Captain Perrett .. last man standing!)

And his passion pays dividends when the boys roll home with the silverware ...

Yeah so, it was the "plate" (* the group stage losers tourno ..) but who cares .. silver is silver .. as Fergie will tell anyone who listens after Man U triumph (yet again ..) in the Milk/ Coca-Cola cup .. or whatever the fuck they call it these days!

So what have we learned? That Chris Griffiths buys himself many months of happiness in the bedroom department when he spontaneously (i swear) kisses the badge of glory.

That Niek Kolkman (Dutch master if you will), should he wish, has the poise and artistry to sculpt himself a niche at the back as sweeper and rival the boss for a place in the starting 11 (god have mercy on my soul?!) .... That - after our 7-2 thrashing in the CC1 team - the Capital Canaries should stick to 11s?! Or, at the very least, stick to one strong squad for future tournos? Or that we do it all for the yella and green (world's best team).

I'd do it all again for you, yellas - On the ball .. never mind the danger! New season begins in T minus 4 days .... Eye of the Tiger, Lads!

Pre-Season report

Two games, two wins, 4 new signings, one pregnancy and a nasty bout of cyphilis. Just another pre-season for Norwich City.


First up came pre-season training at the newly upgraded facilities of Regents Park. Manager Andy Higgins insisted on a new training facility when he signed the extension to his multi-billion pound contract with the club (as funded by some German bankers) and when the players arrived back after their holidays in Ibeefa and faliraki they were delighted with their new base. All of the negative aspects of the last training ground were replaced with dogshit, no goalposts (not to mention nets) and a map that sent them to completely the wrong part of the park. Higgins commented as such… "It was all part of the plan. Gareth Howard looked like he had piled on a few pounds so I wanted him to do a bit of extra walking to the ground" When asked about the turd on the grass Higgins said… "ah yes, I learnt that from Winston Churchill. He always talked about the courage of his front line forces "in the shit" so I thought I'd put a few of our prima donnas in a similar situation. I have to say I was surprised when I saw Chris Gallagher eating it though. He said it was better then what his mum makes him at home so fair enough"


After a few sessions comprising of Rick Uttingly flexing his new captaincy muscles the squad were ready for their first pre-season game, away to Sunderland in erm….Hendon. Once super striker Chris Gallagher had got through the police line up allongside Benicio Del Torro, Stephen Baldwin, Kevin Pollak, Kevin Spacey and Gabriel Byrne the team were ready to start. The line-up gave debuts to a few players whose names I cannot spell, and the game went well. In all honesty, Sunderland were the worst team that Norwich have faced since they lost 1-0 to an amputees eleven at the beginning of last season in Danno Taylor's testimonial. But a win's a win.
The game ended 5-0 with Gallagher and Davies netting a brace each and the other being slotted home by useless fop Barnaby Slater. Higgins was happy with the performance, after the game he spoke to The Norwich press saying…. "I am happy with the performance"


One week later and the canaries were back in action against an Exeter side determined to show that they're not "Inbreds with 6 toes on each foot and breasts on their calfs" as they had been called by one unnamed Norwich player. The game was a one-sided affair though as Norwich won 3-1. This was partly down to the excellent football and composed finishing of the yellows, but also because the majority of the Exeter team were too busy filing their toenails whilst sucking on eachother's leg tits to pay much attention to the game. Gallagher and Davies got a goal each with new signing Gappy getting the other one (he used to have a gap in his front teeth apparently, nothing to do with a huge gap in his knowledge)


Now there is just a week before the team start their Apfscil league campaign with a tricky looking opener against The Republic Of Ireland. Steve Staunton has said that he will bring a full strength side down to the Civil Service so much will rest on whether Chris Gallagher will be able to get the better of John O'Shea and Shay Given and whether the defence of Harris, Slater, Higgins and possibly Boucher will be able to keep Robbie Keane and Damien Duff at bay.


Prediction - home win.

2006/07 Season Preview

The season of destiny?

Norwich manager Andrew Higgins has never been so buoyant. He is positive that his summer spending spree has left him with the strongest squad in the history of the Capital Canaries. Sure there were the glory days of Dave 'Crazy legs' Lemmon, Ken 'Bionic man' Wylie and Ian 'three (score) bags full sir' Church, but never has the boss had such a rash of ravishing young athletes to choose from, not since he was seen leaving that Bangkok brothel anyway - and that left him with a very different kind of rash.

2006 has been incredibly fruitful for Norwich so far. Since the turn of the year they have only been beaten twice, and not at all by any teams that would open their wallet for anyone other then themselves. This leaves them with an unenviable task - that of living up to the pre-season expectations that have been heaped upon them by the notoriously fickle British red-top press. Some of the quotes must be taken with a pinch of salt though surely....

"The only true challengers to Hibs' dominance of the Apfscil" - The Times

"If they get a good start, they have every chance of breaking into the top two - The Guardian

"Boy trapped in refrigerator, eats own foot" - The National Enquirer

"If failed playboy Tom Perrett can keep his WAG's away from his HSBC Solo card, then his morale and subsequent form may improve" - The Sport

The new signings do look to have added a certain 'Je ne sais pas' to the squad. For a start there is the new Polish-sounding goalkeeper whose name I have no idea how to say or spell, so let's call him Dave. He has presence in spades, and will worry even the most confident of strikers as he rushes towards their feet reciting self-penned poetry. Challenging Dave for the number one jersey is Ian McMacken or 'Keeps' as he prefers to be called. 'Keeps' is only the second goalkeeper to give himself a self-annointed nickname, after his idol David 'Safe Hands' Seaman. Norwich can only hope that 'Keeps' is a better Keeps then Seaman was a Safe Hands, as in no way will City want to see McMacken trying to decapitate professional Ice Dancers, growing a ponytail or marrying a woman of non-caucasian descent.

Other then the new keepers, the other signings have only helped to add to City's already over-crowded midfield. Firstly there is the elegant runner Greg Tett who has joined the club fresh from a two year stint as a lifeguard in Adelaide, Australia. He was last seen over there wrestling sharks and running along the beach in slow motion carrying a red buoyancy aid whilst chasing tail. (record for using the word buoyant more than once in an article - Ed)

Also joining the team is left-sided dinamo Gappy, whose name nobody knows although rumours of Matthew are yet to be disproven. From his pre-season displays it seems that he has a great engine as well as a contender to Fredi Kanoute's crown as holder of the 'slowest step-over in the west'.

The questions that these new midfield additions ask are simple....will Boucher be moved back to sweeper? Will Gallagher get the endless service his wayward finishing needs to get to double figures this season? and will Slater be able to wait until he gets to know the new players before shouting at them when they've done nothing wrong?

So what does manager Higgins really expect for the new season, when asked this is what he had to say.... "I want wins. Enough wins to put us at the top of the table and keep us there. To make sure this happens I am upping the players' win bonuses to two drinks and a packet of red hot spicy Pringles after each game. I would also like to announce that tightwad Scotch-Franco hybrid Callum Wilson will be captain whilst Michael Owen's knee double Danno Taylor recovers from yet another injury. Now I will not be speaking to the press again until the winter break"

So...confidence is high, but can the players achieve their full potential and topple Hibs? Only time and destiny will tell......

Inches!

Norwich "A's"
Back Row from left to right: Danno Taylor, Nick Denys, Andy Parling
Front Row from left to right: Thom Perrett (c), Chris Gallagher

Norwich "B's": Harris, Howard, Seecharan N, Seecharan T, Slater, Sullivan

Captain Fantastic (for a day!) Thom Perrett proudly displaying his side's Semi-finalists' shield following a battling performance in a tournament run that pitted the yella army against clubs with much greater resources.

With 2x bare bones squads and no subs, the CapCans were always going to struggle to make it all the way, however the day left us with some fantastic memories - Norwich 'Bs' even made it to the quarters, with 2 thrilling wins 3-2 & 4-1 goal-fests undeniably expunging last year's dismal performance when only 1 goal was scored in 4 games and exiting in the qualifiers.

The memory of the day however must be the victory over Glasgow Rangers (for only the 2nd time in the clubs history, the first occuring about an hour earlier in the above 4-1 drubbing) in a thrilling penalty shoot-out. Nick Denys (keeper) hurled himself low and right to deny the 'Gers top spot-kicker for the first time ever - allegedly - in his entire footballing career. But for a real captain's performance, Enjoy perrett's text-book 'pen' again and again and again .. below.

Well done chaps!

Everybody wants to know his name ...

... Absolutely Flawless!

Congratulations to GQ's man of the year (Inspirational Category), Dan Taylor! In his first full season of fitness, Danno imperiously cast aside the nay-sayers who claimed that "Mr Glass", as he affectionately became known following his first two injury-ridden (non) seasons, would never fulfill his true potential.

Well Done Danno. With your 3 MotMs and 7 goals from the back this year, it has been good to see, finally, what you can really do. More of the same next season please.

Collecting the Capital Canaries 'Players Player of the Year' award for season 2005/06, Danno appeared non-plussed with his 2nd prestigious honour in as many days, having just returned from a star guest appearance at GQ's "most influential men of the 21st Century" awards in Riga, Latvia. Perhaps all that shampoo modeling work in media-land has gone to his head and he really believes "it's because he's worth it"?! Or perhaps he was just physically and emotionally spent having combined business with pleasure on his romantic weekend away in the Baltics with agent-cum-friend-cum-flatmate-cum-onmyface Bennett. Danno did let his guard slip for the briefest of moments, the ultra cool persona vanishing to reveal a rare moment of genuine emotion, when he later admitted it was an absolute privilege to have his name sharing space on the same shield as legends like Barney Slater, who really should be plying his trade at a much higher level. Spare a thought for poor Rick Utting, runner-up, who walked away empty-handed after an excellent first full season. Like a true pro and team player, Rick took it on the chin, claiming " As long as I get the big one, next year I'll be happy". The PoS shield, Rick? "No, the League and Cup double!". Excellent spirit, and with an attitude like that at a time when he must have felt hard done by following rumours he was in the running for the top honour - who knows, 2006/07 may just be our year. Eye of the Tiger fellas, 104 days to go ...

Glasgow Rangers 3 Capital Canaries 2

Sunday May 21st 2006

Line-up: Slater, Higgins (65), Howard, Taylor, Perrett (80), Parling, Bennett, Boucher, Utting, Davies, Gallagher, Harris (65), Seecharan N (80)

Confidence was flowing through the members of the Capital Canaries squad, not only because they had spent a season sending shockwaves through the APFSCIL, but because the Spice Boys had not been up to their usual antics the previous night. Ringleader Thom Perrett spent the night indoors alone at St Davids Sq playing Star Wars computer games. His assistant Barney Slater spent the evening babysitting the child he adopted with his gay partner, soon to be husband thanks to controversial new laws. Peripheral figure Rick Uttingley hit the hay at 9pm sharp with warm milk and cookies, and legend Chris Gallagher limited his session to a meagre 8 pints. Even group wannabe Dan Taylor agreed to cut short his ladyboy shagging holiday in Latvia to fly back and captain the side in the disgraceful absence of the newly transfer listed Scot Callum Wilson.

With no goalkeeper to call upon for the fixture Norwich called upon Slater to take up the reins between the sticks, a decision made because he can play in that position to a much higher level, so he reckons!! An interesting sub-plot took place to see who would take up the remaining centre back spot, a battle won by Gareth Howard beating Pete Harris in a smoke-off.

The game itself was a high tempo affair and both teams tried to play football on a sodden surface. Chances were few and far between and there was nothing to choose between the sides when a free kick was awarded to Rangers a full thirty yards from goal. The Rangers midfielder stupidly decided to strike it, he didn't know Slater could play at a higher level. His shot however hit a fat kiwi on his oversized arse and went in.

Norwich responded with gusto and took the game to Rangers. Awarded a free kick in a similar position to the one Rangers scored from, Perrett elected to cross, Gallagher met the poor delivery with an assured finish only to see his shot unluckily flash wide. This near miss only worked to inspire Norwich, knowing the breakthrough was close. Paul Bennett put his foot on the ball in the centre of the park and worked the ball forward to Andy Parling who, uncharacteristically, slid in Gallagher down the right. Gallagher took the ball under control and pulled it back to Matt Davies who had the simplest of tasks from two yards to score the equalizer.

Half time came and Norwich were sure that the game was theirs for the taking. An open and engaging second half ensued. Chances came and went, most notably from Perrett who, having done the hard work and controlled Utting's raking crossfield ball, conspired to try and chip the keeper when power was the order of the day. Another Norwich attack was launched and, spurred on by his miracle run a la John Barnes at the Maracana last time out against Boro, Howard found himself surging toward the Rangers goal only this time instead of a pony shot he scooped the ball over the Rangers defence presenting Davies with the chance to score. However davies just didn't reach the ball and Rangers lunatic keeper hoofed it upfield, with Howard in nose bleed territory at the opposite end of the pitch rangers found the time and space to chip the hapless Slater, who should really be playing at a higher level, and take the lead again.

Slater, who should really be playing at a higher level, kept Norwich in the game with some smart saves and Norwich found the energy to raise their game one last time. Captain for the day, Dan Taylor rose to meet a couple of whipped in corners only to see his headers miss the target. long shots from Utting and Perrett did little to inspire Higgins who replaced the latter with Nick Seecharan in an attempt to shake things up. Gasps were then drawn in a final roll of the dice by Higgins, when on came Harris to replace his gaffer. That sounds normal enough but Harris went upfront, UPFRONT!! Harris raced onto a couple of majestic through passes one from Boucher and one from Gallagher, on both occasions Harris nearly kicked the ball, nearly.

Nick Seech, on for the lacklustre Perrett found himself wide right with a couple of minuted to spare, and crossed a dangerous ball into the Rangers penalty box. This delivery was one that Gallagher's aerial prowess surely deserves and there was the Eltham born hitman to head across goal into the far corner and set up a barnstorming finish. 2-2 game on.

Norwich poured forward knowing that only a win would allow them to leapfrog Rangers into second spot, and automatic Champions League qualification. With literally seconds remaining Boucher found himself 25 yards from goal with the ball dropping nicely for a strike, he struck it well and the ball arched toward the top corner only a combination of keeper and bar was to deny him and Norwich ultimate glory. To rub salt into the wound another counter attack paid off and with Norwich pushing men forward they were left cruelly exposed at the back and conceded a third. Slater with no chance, but then again he should be playing at a higher level.

All that was left was for Gallagher to get robbed of what was rightly his in the bar, and for a rallying cry from Higgins for a double next year, it can and will be acheived.

Congratulations to Dan Taylor on his Player of the Year Award and best of luck to Matt Davies on retaining his golden boot, believe me he's going to need it.

MOTM: Utting (whose dazzling MotM performance some how doesn't warrant a single mention in the match report .. NICE!)

Representing

Stay composed boys! They're human just like you and me .. yeah right! About to take the field against NCFC legends Dale Gordon, Bryan Gunn, Robert Fleck, Jeremy Goss, Peter Mendham, Mark Barham, Trevor Putney and friends. With Lawrie McMenemy providing coaching/ management tips before kick-off .. how could we go wrong! A solid second half lock-down courtesy of the Capital Canaries contingent (Higgins, Seecharan N, Perrett, Taylor, Davies, Utting) gave the Westminster Charity team a 1-0 second half victory against Bryan Gunn's All Stars. Sadly though, a first half romp from the pastmasters proved to much for MP for Norwich North, Ian Gibson's charity contingent who lost out 3-2 overall. More professional pics to follow shortly I hope, but for now, check out this and others at Club Sec Nick's Flickr Site

Middlesbrough 3 - 5 Norwich City

Norwich line-up: Perrett, Taylor, Higgins, Howard, Harris, Boucher, Slater, Utting, Parling, Davies, Gallagher

 

At the time of press, we don't yet know the exact significance of next week's game against Glasgow Rangers. Either way it's a must win for Norwich with, at a minimum, their 2006 100% league record on the line. It should see the return of Wilson from a lengthy prostate injury and Semple (steroid ban), but the Yellows will be without Parling (time management course) and possibly Taylor (little fivesies kickabout with his meejah chums). In any case, Norwich have done everything possible so far this year to grab 2nd spot from Rangers, and this was another example of the G&D City have shown on a number of occasions when up against it.

 

At 3-1 down at half-time on a boggy pitch not conducive to Norwich's brand of passing football, journos from the broadsheets and red tops alike were licking their lips. Was Higgins' mind still on the job? Is his head right? With rumours linking him to the hotseat at one-time fortress Carrow Road, his loss of the kit in midweek, and heavy drinking after his disappointment at not producing a male heir, the editorial was writing itself. But luckily for him, his side does not lie down and after waiting patiently to get on terms, eventually ran away clear victors.

 

This was Sunday football at its most Sunday. Pissing rain and hail, knee deep mud, driving wind, miscommunication about kick-off times, ref turning up an hour late and no nets (at least for the warm-up). Then, when the usually decisive gaffer Higgins suggested 4-4-2, 3-2-1-2 and 3-4-3 before settling on the tried and tested, unbeaten in 10, bags-of-goals, sexy football, pass-and-move formation he has used for the last year, eyebrows were raised all round the away dressing room. Those rumours could be true.....

 

Things started to go wrong in the warm-up. Perrett pulled up with a sore knee, and had to swap jerseys with the reluctant stand-in stopper. Slater's actually a really really excellent keeper and could play at a much higher level apparently. Nonetheless he was delighted at the role reversal and immediately started leathering balls at his flatmate in sticks. It did not inspire confidence. And it wasn't long into the game when 'crisp-packet hands' first touch was to pick the ball out of the net. To be fair to him, there was nothing he could do to stop it. A corner was whipped in ferociously with the wind and met at the near post with a crisp downward header.

 

Norwich, playing into the wind, responded immediately. A flick-on from a hopeful ball cleared the Boro defence. Davies met it first time from just inside the box, smashing the ball past the keeper at his near post. The recovery was shortlived though as the yellows struggled against the wind after that point and were being pushed back into their own half. They matched Boro for long periods but were always vulnerable with the treacherous footing and wind in their teeth. 1-1 became 3-1 before the break. A mix-up between Higgins and Perrett let Boro in for their second, and the third came as Perrett, left arm aloft seemingly still hailing a taxi from his previous error, was beaten by a lob that came back off an upright for a tap in.

 

Everyone knew that with the elements on side it would be a different game after the break. At half-time Higgins had to use all his footballing guile and tactical wizardry to win back his dressing room. And he did just that. "Lump it long, lads!" was the message. Harris, today in an unaccustomed left wing berth, growled, nodded vigorously in approval, shouted "Welcome back boss" and trudged out to take his place on the other side of the pitch.

 

Shortly after the break, City halved the deficit. Slater dummied a throw-in from the right, which ran to Davies. The Norwich striker, tightly marked, swivelled and lashed the ball home into the far corner past the diving keeper from 15 yards. Then followed a spell of Norwich pressure for the equaliser. The longer ball game was having the desired result against a very square back four and chances came and went. Gallagher, fed by Boucher and Parling, repeatedly broke the line but unfortunately not the net. Norwich were patient, and the equaliser very nearly came from the unlikeliest of sources. Gareth Howard embarked on an ambitious run weaving his way past four or five (6?, 7?!) defenders, and had he not hit the wall and blacked out 10 yards earlier, would surely have notched his first career goal at the right end of the pitch. As it was, the keeper came out well to deny the hyperventilating 40-a-day man.

 

Norwich's equaliser came with 10 minutes remaining. Davies beat his man by the left corner flag and drove a cross right onto Slater's head. Slater missed it but it carried through to Utting who turned up (unlike last week) at the far post to steer the ball into the net. Boro were rattled, and the comeback was complete shortly afterwards. Gallagher was sent clear down the right channel by Howard. He beat his man for pace, drew the keeper and squared for Davies to slide in and complete his hat-trick. The scoring was then completed a minute from time, when Slater, mistaking Boro's red for Aberdeen's, rose well to Utting's diagonal cross and sent a looping header into the top corner.

 

So it was job done again for the Yellows. This is a side that has been up against it in quite a few games this season. In the first half of the season, heads dropped and points were dropped. In the second half, they have got all three on every occasion. If they can keep their squad fit and loyal, and their young manager's head straight, it would take a brave man to bet against this team knocking Hibs off the top spot next season. But in the mean time, there's still work to be done this season. Norwich have never beaten Glasgow Rangers in this league, but something tells me that that will change this weekend. OTBC.

 

Norwich scorers: Davies (3), Utting, Slater

MotM: Davies

Honours

Just in case anyone needed any additional motivation to close out another excellent season in style, the final dash for club honours may be just the tonic you are looking for!

Up for Grabs: Player of the Season (PoS) and Golden Boot primarily, plus awards available for commitment and clubmanship. Here are some Stats to give you an idea who's in the running (and for the rest of us, just remember "We're all Winners!" Well that's what my Mum told me anyway ...)

Top Scorers:

Davies - 17 goals from 15 appearances (CCFC Career Ratio: 1.44)
Gallagher - 15 goals from 19 appearances (CCFC Career Ratio: 0.79)
Taylor - 7 goals from 17 appearances* (CCFC Career Ratio: 0.42)
Slater - 6 goals from 16 appearances (CCFC Career Ratio: 0.26)

* is that 17 appearances from 20, Mr Glass??! I had to stop and re-read the facts there for a second!

MotMs:

Parling & Taylor - 3
Utting, Wilson & Gallagher - 2
Boucher, Davies, Howard, Perrett, Semple, Slater - 1

Top Appearances (out of 19):

Gallagher & Perrett - 19
Higgins & Taylor - 17
Slater - 16
Davies & Utting - 15

So in summary

Don't expect Davies and Gallagher to be passing the ball too much to each other in the last couple of games. MoTM on the other hand ... oooooooh it's wide open