Pre-Season report

Two games, two wins, 4 new signings, one pregnancy and a nasty bout of cyphilis. Just another pre-season for Norwich City.


First up came pre-season training at the newly upgraded facilities of Regents Park. Manager Andy Higgins insisted on a new training facility when he signed the extension to his multi-billion pound contract with the club (as funded by some German bankers) and when the players arrived back after their holidays in Ibeefa and faliraki they were delighted with their new base. All of the negative aspects of the last training ground were replaced with dogshit, no goalposts (not to mention nets) and a map that sent them to completely the wrong part of the park. Higgins commented as such… "It was all part of the plan. Gareth Howard looked like he had piled on a few pounds so I wanted him to do a bit of extra walking to the ground" When asked about the turd on the grass Higgins said… "ah yes, I learnt that from Winston Churchill. He always talked about the courage of his front line forces "in the shit" so I thought I'd put a few of our prima donnas in a similar situation. I have to say I was surprised when I saw Chris Gallagher eating it though. He said it was better then what his mum makes him at home so fair enough"


After a few sessions comprising of Rick Uttingly flexing his new captaincy muscles the squad were ready for their first pre-season game, away to Sunderland in erm….Hendon. Once super striker Chris Gallagher had got through the police line up allongside Benicio Del Torro, Stephen Baldwin, Kevin Pollak, Kevin Spacey and Gabriel Byrne the team were ready to start. The line-up gave debuts to a few players whose names I cannot spell, and the game went well. In all honesty, Sunderland were the worst team that Norwich have faced since they lost 1-0 to an amputees eleven at the beginning of last season in Danno Taylor's testimonial. But a win's a win.
The game ended 5-0 with Gallagher and Davies netting a brace each and the other being slotted home by useless fop Barnaby Slater. Higgins was happy with the performance, after the game he spoke to The Norwich press saying…. "I am happy with the performance"


One week later and the canaries were back in action against an Exeter side determined to show that they're not "Inbreds with 6 toes on each foot and breasts on their calfs" as they had been called by one unnamed Norwich player. The game was a one-sided affair though as Norwich won 3-1. This was partly down to the excellent football and composed finishing of the yellows, but also because the majority of the Exeter team were too busy filing their toenails whilst sucking on eachother's leg tits to pay much attention to the game. Gallagher and Davies got a goal each with new signing Gappy getting the other one (he used to have a gap in his front teeth apparently, nothing to do with a huge gap in his knowledge)


Now there is just a week before the team start their Apfscil league campaign with a tricky looking opener against The Republic Of Ireland. Steve Staunton has said that he will bring a full strength side down to the Civil Service so much will rest on whether Chris Gallagher will be able to get the better of John O'Shea and Shay Given and whether the defence of Harris, Slater, Higgins and possibly Boucher will be able to keep Robbie Keane and Damien Duff at bay.


Prediction - home win.