2006/07 Season Preview

The season of destiny?

Norwich manager Andrew Higgins has never been so buoyant. He is positive that his summer spending spree has left him with the strongest squad in the history of the Capital Canaries. Sure there were the glory days of Dave 'Crazy legs' Lemmon, Ken 'Bionic man' Wylie and Ian 'three (score) bags full sir' Church, but never has the boss had such a rash of ravishing young athletes to choose from, not since he was seen leaving that Bangkok brothel anyway - and that left him with a very different kind of rash.

2006 has been incredibly fruitful for Norwich so far. Since the turn of the year they have only been beaten twice, and not at all by any teams that would open their wallet for anyone other then themselves. This leaves them with an unenviable task - that of living up to the pre-season expectations that have been heaped upon them by the notoriously fickle British red-top press. Some of the quotes must be taken with a pinch of salt though surely....

"The only true challengers to Hibs' dominance of the Apfscil" - The Times

"If they get a good start, they have every chance of breaking into the top two - The Guardian

"Boy trapped in refrigerator, eats own foot" - The National Enquirer

"If failed playboy Tom Perrett can keep his WAG's away from his HSBC Solo card, then his morale and subsequent form may improve" - The Sport

The new signings do look to have added a certain 'Je ne sais pas' to the squad. For a start there is the new Polish-sounding goalkeeper whose name I have no idea how to say or spell, so let's call him Dave. He has presence in spades, and will worry even the most confident of strikers as he rushes towards their feet reciting self-penned poetry. Challenging Dave for the number one jersey is Ian McMacken or 'Keeps' as he prefers to be called. 'Keeps' is only the second goalkeeper to give himself a self-annointed nickname, after his idol David 'Safe Hands' Seaman. Norwich can only hope that 'Keeps' is a better Keeps then Seaman was a Safe Hands, as in no way will City want to see McMacken trying to decapitate professional Ice Dancers, growing a ponytail or marrying a woman of non-caucasian descent.

Other then the new keepers, the other signings have only helped to add to City's already over-crowded midfield. Firstly there is the elegant runner Greg Tett who has joined the club fresh from a two year stint as a lifeguard in Adelaide, Australia. He was last seen over there wrestling sharks and running along the beach in slow motion carrying a red buoyancy aid whilst chasing tail. (record for using the word buoyant more than once in an article - Ed)

Also joining the team is left-sided dinamo Gappy, whose name nobody knows although rumours of Matthew are yet to be disproven. From his pre-season displays it seems that he has a great engine as well as a contender to Fredi Kanoute's crown as holder of the 'slowest step-over in the west'.

The questions that these new midfield additions ask are simple....will Boucher be moved back to sweeper? Will Gallagher get the endless service his wayward finishing needs to get to double figures this season? and will Slater be able to wait until he gets to know the new players before shouting at them when they've done nothing wrong?

So what does manager Higgins really expect for the new season, when asked this is what he had to say.... "I want wins. Enough wins to put us at the top of the table and keep us there. To make sure this happens I am upping the players' win bonuses to two drinks and a packet of red hot spicy Pringles after each game. I would also like to announce that tightwad Scotch-Franco hybrid Callum Wilson will be captain whilst Michael Owen's knee double Danno Taylor recovers from yet another injury. Now I will not be speaking to the press again until the winter break"

So...confidence is high, but can the players achieve their full potential and topple Hibs? Only time and destiny will tell......