CCFC 9 Exeter City As 2

Team Line-up: tbc

With the rain lashing down on proceedings for the first time this season at the Civil Service Sports Ground the Capital Canaries ensured the day was about to get even drearier for the travelling fans of Exeter.

Within minutes of the ‘camp as you like’ referee signalling the beginning of the tie, Davies received a sitter of an opportunity and dutifully headed the ball home from close range after some ‘argy-bargy’ in the Exeter box. The goal was not however Norwich’s first opportunity, moments earlier the ball had flashed across the visitor’s 6 yard box with both outstretched home and away players managing to miss contact with the elusive leather sphere of hope.

The Canaries were clearly stamping their authority on the game, attempting to add more justification to their reputation as a high scoring side. Barrett turned his marker on the corner of the 18-yard box after a cunning throw in from Slater and rifled home first time into the near corner with the spectacularly hapless keeper managing only to push the ball into the side netting. Two goals to the good, any spectator could be forgiven for expecting a cagey end to the first half, however after a somewhat loopy effort of a free kick from Barrett, Davies found himself with yet another gift to tap the ball into the goal unchallenged. 3-0.

From a similar position Barrett unleashed an altogether more threatening free kick enabling the keeper only to push the ball into the top netting to make it 4. The Canaries were playing a standard of football rarely seen on this planet, slick one touch passing to feet with outstanding off the ball movement and support which led to reports the Gaffer had lost all control of his bladder, symbolically representing the conditions of the day and the yellow onslaught being witnessed.

After an exquisitely weighted through ball from Bennett on the half-way line Barrett strode through the middle of the park taking four touches to travel 40 yards and slot neatly into the bottom right hand corner. This was beginning to become a rout. 5-0

To end the first half with two players on a hat-trick is the stuff Sunday league dreams are made of and Davies was about to make that a dream come true for the home fans of 4 geese and a squirrel. With a nicely taken third goal dispatched low to the keeper’s left from 12 yards.

Marlene was fairly well protected by the defensive three having to make only a couple of saves in the first half. However one was of particular importance with the straight-haired one cupping the ball round the post with his extended right hand.

Half-Time

Six nil down at half time the Exeter squad were understandably defeatist in their attitude, however their approach to the remainder of the game caught the Canaries on the back foot with a few chances early in the second half. Thom ‘sex pest’ Perrett worked tirelessly in the second half of the game to run rings around himself and tie his own legs up in knots, confusing and baffling all witnesses with his thomfoolery. His randomness paid off as he provided a whipped cross from the corner for the visiting keeper to push into his own net, obviously still stunned from the Shakin’ Stevens act from Perrett.

Throughout the game Jelbert worked like a Trojan up and down the midst of the action winning and dispatching the ball in the quagmire like centre of the pitch. Slater as usual aided his sidekick winning every 50/50 and commanding every aerial balls from the oppositions goal kicks with his banded locks. At this stage every player on the park was going a little ‘slide-tackle mental’. Seven goals to the good Barrett latched onto yet another through ball, this time from Davies to finish with ease past the Exeter goal keeper, compounding his misery whilst dragging the score-line to 8-0. Davies could have made it nine if not for the heroics of the Exeter number one parrying around the post making his first and only save of the game.

Exeter showed a commendable amount of fight and spirit bagging a headed goal from a corner and slotting a penalty past ‘I always guess the right way’ Marlene after Pete expertly handled in the home box, screaming at the ref to revert his decision. It was noted later by the dressing room joker that ‘The ball hit my hand’ is not the best of defences to put forth.

This fight back coincided with the tactical switch in positions of Slater and Bouch, both of whom were having solid games. This change left the gathered masses, as well as their fellow players, baffled trying to ascertaining any reason for allowing Exeter an opportunity to ‘put the frighteners’ on the home team.

The referee had cause for concern after the ball of pain struck him ‘right on the tendon’ initiating a heartfelt ‘Tosser’ remark to leave his lips directed at a member of the home defence, however, without knowing precisely who attacked him in this vicious manner the culprit escaped scot-free and is still at large in the Chiswick area. All refs are urged not to approach him.

With the score locked at a tense 8-2 Barrett broke down the right wing crossing to the far post with Bennett’s go go gadget foot meeting the leather and forcing the ball over the line. Minutes earlier a goal bound effort from the striker had been cleared Ashley Cole style off the visitors’ goal line.

With so many bleeding goals it’s a right strain to talk about any other points of the game save for Marlene’s top drawer flexibility, usually implemented down the local puff’s parlour, to keep out a goal bound effort from an Exeter player.

Debut for Chris at right back went as well as any initiation with some smart play down the right linking up well with the midfield with calls from certain sections of the fans (and players) for Perrett to be replaced with the new boy wonder.

With the Capital Canaries top of the table and looking stronger by the game confidence is growing in the camp. Their next fixture in a fortnight’s time could sort the men from the boys.

In a post match interview after receiving the bottle of Fosters with a twist, Barrett stated “Jelbert should have won this man of the match, I hate writing match reports.”

MoTM: Gappy

Ten Green (and yella) Bottles ...

Sunday 15th October 2006

Manchester United 1
Norwich City 10 (ten)

Being spotted in a bar normally frequented by gays at
3am is not really the best preparation for a crunch
game at the top of the APFSCIL league. Fortunately
for Norwich City shot-stopper Ian McMeckan he hardly
had to break sweat as the Canaries swept aside a Man
Utd team who proudly boasted a 100% record coming into
this fixture. It was a well earned rest for 'Keeps'
as he has become affectionately known, after all the
bum drumming he had partaken in earlier that morning.
There was also pre - match concern over the morale of
midfield general Barney Slater, not because he had
been asked to play out of position at sweeper but
because he had not been invited along with Keeps to
the gay bar, which is incidentally Slaters local.

Man Utd turned up for the game with only ten men, so
gaffer Andy Higgins, outraged at being overlooked for
the job vacancy at Carrow Road, offered to loan
wing-back and regular substitute Tom Perrett to the
reds to even up the numbers. However the reds boss
had seen Perrett in the warm up and decided to press
on with ten.

Norwich were pumped big time for this game and boy did
it show. Within minutes Norwich were ahead, Gappy, a
much more serious threat to Davies' golden boot than
creator in chief Gallagher, followed in a shot from
distance, a real strikers goal. Before Utd had time
to blink they were two down. This time an inch
perfect cross by Perrett was met by the head of Davies
who got himself off the mark for the season. Sensing
the Man Utd players dis-array Norwich went for the
jugular, and indeed the spectacular as Gallagher hit
an absolutely outrageous cross with the outside of his
right boot to the back post where Davies converted his
second header of the day. Gallagher, in a
particularly unselfish mood then slipped a through
ball into the path of Gappy who ran through to score
his second of the afternoon with another crisp finish.
Norwich, four goals to the good within the first
fifteen minutes were on fire.

There was still time in the first half for Davies to
really take the piss and grap his hat-trick of headers
this time meeting another accurate Perrett corner and
looping his header into the net. Davies found time to
score again in the half but by this time he was just
showing off! The only blip of the half for Norwich
was when G Faircloth got his obligatory goal via a
well struck free kick. The wall done its job about as
well as an inflatable dartboard and left Keeps
helpless, though someone said if it had of been a
cheeseburger flying at him he would've caught it.

The second half picked up where the first left off,
with Norwich dictating and dominating the game. Any
time Man Utd tried to attack the Cap Cans, they were
expertly thwarted by the three musketeers at the back,
Slater, Harris and Howard. Ian Jelbert thought he
would try and build on last weeks motm performance by
scoring this week, only everytime he tried to do so
his goalbound efforts found someones arse, elbow or
shin. Frazer, upset at not finding the net himself,
feigned a head injury to prevent Gallagher from
scoring when he was clean through. Gappy, having been
so clinical up till now went on to miss a host of
chances to complete his hat-trick. When he finally
did convert a chance to rack up his third goal he
celebrated as wildly as Keeps did when he got inside
the gay bar.

The eighth Norwich goal of the afternoon came when
Rick Utting, who played majestically on the left hand
side, burst down the channel and crossed only to see
the ball turned into the net by a Man Utd defender.
Somehow he got credited with the OG. The ninth goal
came when Gallagher, bored with giving Matt Davies
open goals from two yards only to see him miss,
produced some quick footwork and a neat finish to add
his name to the scoresheet. The game was rounded off
when Davies plundered his fifth and Norwichs' tenth
goal, proving what an idiot Gallagher is for thinking
he might be top scorer!

How they rated?

I. McMeckan 7
Untested but confident and comfortable when called
upon

B. Slater 8
Commanding and a real leader at the back

P. Harris 7
Found time to foray forwards as well as being solid
defensively

G. Howard 8
A towering performance

T. Perrett 9
Quality delivery and unlucky not to score (withdrawn,
again)

R. Utting 9
Another great display from Mr Reliable

C. Wilson 7
A real father figure on the pitch

I. Jelbert 8
Solid and strong in centre midfield

M. Barrett 9
Hat trick hero

D. Winton 9
Five goals a real supermarket sweep

C. Gallagher 10
World class performance

T. Boucher 8
Quality replacement shows depth of squad

A. Higgins 11
Great decision to remove Perrett

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

Chiswick 90K

Last Sunday afternoon saw The Capital Canaries take time off from playing football to gamely participate in two tests of stamina taking place around the London district. The irrelevant Nike 10K drew the attraction of a few of the squad, while the bulk of the team took part in the Chiswick 90K uniquely held on pitch 4, Civil Service Sports Ground, Chiswick. The first minor problem of the day occurred with the realisation that not only were the big C's completing their 90K dash on a wind swept sports field, Aberdeen United F.C were holding a soccer training match on the same pitch.

With the advantage of an extra 30 mins warm up 3 of the Canary Joggers chose to take a soccer ball and fresh from researching and collating proven warm up techniques in Clairefontaine, discarded them and punted balls at an empty net, gaining a particular sense of achievement from smashing the ball in the corner from 6 yrds.....unopposed. The emergence of Utting, with the red 'C' band proudly wrapped (3 times) around his left water pistol, prompted a Higuita scorpion kick from Gappy that will have sent reverberations surely felt by our yellow wearing brothers half way across the world.

2 minutes and 37 seconds before the big hooter was blown, the remaining athletes jogged out - impressed by the temporary goalkeeping display of Chris ' I'm really keen and can make my eyes go really big' Gallagher. Seconds later the race began.
0- 20K With Aberdeen United FC kicking off their practice match at the same time the first 20 kilometers of the run was a hectic and passionate affair. In an amazing display of versatility the Canaries, uninvited, joined in with the soccer game and for a while ran the show. The midfield trio linked well, giving some appetizing balls for the wing backs to apply their Paul Daniels like trickery, and in what was a contrast to the rest of the race, actually supplied ball to the otherwise starved feet of the strikers. The early commitment paid a whopping Vodafone like dividend, a slick move led to Gappy racing down the wing with a perfect crossing opportunity. Gallagher, Davies and Perret's waited in anticipation, their goal scoring taste buds on full secretion mode, dripping like Bouncer's Pink Tongue on a walk with Helen Daniels and Hannah. Gappy looked up, crossed, and accidentally bent the ball into the top right corner; 1-0 Canaries.
21K - 45K Happy with the goal the Canaries left the game and got back to what they were really there to do - run. As the kilometers clocked up they were entertained by the animated shouts of Angus McMoanalot and Bonny McUrBiast, both particularly non-instrumental in the Scots practice sesh. In a strange break from the monotony, Bennett spotted a stanchion 50ft up a near by tree, with a ball fortuitously rolling towards him, and encouraged by the firm words of 'make sure' from Howard, he did just that.

46K - 73K Buoyed by the belief that the hardest part of the race was done, the Canaries started the downhill section of the course with a spring in their spikes. Unfortunately a wrong turn early on led the pack onto a frustratingly familiar uphill surface. Reports in the press that Higgins was still fuming from his recent loss in the 'I decide what time we kick off' celebrity deathmatch, were confirmed with some tremendous yet very firm, last ditch tackles on unsuspecting Aberdeen trainees.

74K With the light beginning to glow at the end of the proverbial tunnel, the younger of the Hoofus McDoofus brothers at the back of the Aberdeen defense launched another ball into outer space. With moon dust fresh on the surface the ball re-entered the atmosphere, took a horrible bounce and was knocked into the back of the net by a curly haired haggis. For once Neil, the only runner to wear gloves, could not batter the ball away.

75K - 90K With some athletes feeling the pace and others just plain disgusted by all that running, the Canaries got involved with a little more soccer playing for the final 15 kilometers. Back from holiday, radiant Frazier, despite suffering from sunburn on his left calf gamely played on, mainly in the centre circle and instigated a few final kilometer moves. Gallagher, fresh from a spell of running on the left wing sent a header just over, and Davies and Gappy also went close, the older Hoofus McDoofus putting in a few game saving challenges.

As the Canaries broke the finishing tape, the Aberdeen practice match finished and the players started their 3 mile trudge back to the showering areas. The final controversy of the day occurred over the unusually expensive post match drinks. With Gappy many votes ahead in the man of the match poll, the manager decided there was slightly more chance of a match report from......anyone else but Gappy ....and 'recommended' the remaining votes were wasted on Jelbert.

Happy Birthday Boss!!

40? you don't look a day over 39.363! Hope you had a great day, while at the same time focussing long enough to steel your charges for the early season crunch match against Aberdeen, Division One's other nearly there's.

CCFC 3 Boro 0

Team Line-up: McMeckan, Harris, Higgins, Boucher, Seecharan N (45), Perrett (60), Tett, Slater, Bennett, Gallagher, Barrett, Davies (45), Jelbert (60)

The Capital Canaries continued their dream start to the season with goals from in-form forwards Gallagher and Barrett. The unexpected striking duo has tallied 7 in two games to take a solid looking Norwich joint top.

The first half demolition of Middlesbrough was enough to gain the points for the canaries though a spirited fight back from the north eastern outfit was enough to give the boys in yellow a few late frights. If it were not for the acrobatic brilliance of McMeckan in the home team’s onion bag the score line may not have ended so favourably for the home side.

A goal bound effort had to be expertly turned around the post by the keeper known fondly as Marlene by the home fans to ensure his side’s first clean sheet of the season.
The game started brightly for Norwich with Barrett latching onto two through balls within the first five minutes only to miss the target with the make-shift Middlesbrough keeper bearing down on the striker, the intent for the game was signalled. The 3 man midfield brilliance gave the visitors no chance, winning every 50/50 and supplying the strike force with wave after wave of chances.

Any opportunities Middlesbrough had in the first half were few and far between with the Norwich defence ensuring all shots were from a distance. Gallagher opened the scoring with a neat finish across the goalkeeper. Opening up to use the instep of the right boot from an acute angle on the left, the goal was just rewards for a striker who worked tirelessly chasing the through balls so often delivered by the midfielders Tett and Bennett, a forceful pairing ensuring the trademark Norwich short passing game was stamped on proceedings.

Barrett provided further warnings of things to come for the visitors as a sublime cross from Slater was met by the leaping salmon only to be dismissed for a corner by the gloves of the impending keeper. Shortly afterwards Barrett stumbled into the path of the ball, and seeing no support drove purposely forward, cutting inside on his favoured left foot drilling a daisy cutter from 18 yards into the depths of the ‘boro goal.
Numerous corners and free kicks followed as the visiting side felt the pressure of a classy Norwich outfit with the bit between their teeth. The onslaught continued with Gallagher threatening from Slater through balls and Seecheran linking the play nicely down the right hand side.

All play was initiated from the cultured boots of the back three of Harris, Higgins and Boucher, showing not only a dogged determination to keep a clean sheet but a quality rarely seen of defenders to initiate play with intelligence and guile. Out on the left Perrett found himself with both time and space to pick his passes, his sidewinder-esque turns succeeded in humiliating the Boro right back to provide further ammunition with which the forwards fired. Barrett’s second goal reflected the gulf in quality of the teams; the converted wing-back out muscled Henry, the Middlesbrough gaffer, in the midfield and progressed forwards with a swing of the cultured left foot caught the visiting keeper unawares as he could only parry the ball into the side netting.

The second half proved to be an altogether more even affair, Slater coming closest to adding a fourth for Norwich with a technically sound right foot volley from 12 yards after a comedy of errors in the boro box. Davies added an alternative option up front showing glimpses of the threat he poses with both power and determination. Middlesbrough showed some drive and purpose forcing corners and a duo of superb saves from Marlene.
Jelbert continued the good work of Perrett on the right providing more crosses and neat footwork for the fans to enjoy. The two sorts on the sideline were later heard to remark the ‘one with the long hair’ likes a whinge.

Boro evidently found the quality and pace of the Norwich team too much to handle with some rash challenges going largely unpunished by the referee. A card was eventually shown to the boro centre half in the 88th minute for ‘an accumulation’ of poor tackles leaving some canaries justifiably crying ‘ooh ref’.

In the end a job well done for the Capital Canaries who will look to build on their impressive start to the season in their next game in a fortnight’s time.

MoTM: Gappy

ESPN's match review of NorWich Vs Ireland Sunday

The world soccer governing body FIFA were pissed this morning as it emerged that Republic of Ireland only fielded two Irish athletes in their International League Game against NorWich Sunday. The game was far from the dull zero zero stalemate that was predicted by some soccer experts as the scorebag was well and truly hit a number of dazzling times in a match-up that ended 9 scores to 5 to the yellows of NorWich.

In football, as in life, the third down is a manly-man down. It's a put-hairs-on-your-chest down, a shot-and-a-beer down, a stare-down-the-bully down. It's when a team's essential character is revealed, for better or worse. But, despite the NorWich players shaving all the hairs from their chest, ordering 11 pina coladas and wincing at the site of bully on their third downs Sunday, they still somehow managed to reign victorious at Civil Service Superdome.

Quarterback Barney Slater threw 4 touchdown passes in the game earning him the Vincent Lombardi man of match trophy, and a blowy from his keen coach Higgins. Elsewhere 'Gappy' ran for 198 yards scoring two touchdowns as did Chris Gallagher who ran an incredible 48 yards throughout the game, with all of them coming in the first two quarters. The other goal was scored by pre-season MVP Rick Uttingley, fresh from signing his pectoral sponsorship deal with 'Dumbell Automatic' for a reputed $15million.

As well as 'Gappy', 'Keeps' was also pulling on his pads and helmet for the first time for his new franchise. "I think we took a step forward today" he said as he surveyed a locker room loaded with players who were at high school with him as far back as 1999. "We haven't arrived but we did some good things today. We stepped up knowing the Irish weren't just going to lay down and die for us".

The yellows did some good things in quarters 1+2, the money downs, on this gorgeous afternoon. After going 10 and 0 at the beginning of this year there was a lot to live up to and they certainly lived up to that hype in the first half. The offense were in great touch in 1+2, sticking the ball in the scorebag 5 times before the half-time Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. But, in the 3rd and 4th quarters it was the NorWich defence that came to the fore as a seemingly drunk Paul Bennett managed to confuse his team-mates enough for them to let in 5 notches before the umpire threw the flag in for the end of the game.

Slater's career highlight performance was tempered with a bad attitude throughout as he pistol-whipped his colleagues to improve their performance. This was not taken well by running-back Gallagher who was heard to utter the immortal words "I was first pick in the draft". Let's hope the two of them can make up before next Sunday's showpiece showdown against the Middlesbrough middleweights who play out of Minnesota.

NorWich have high expectations of a good season in this Southern division, and will need to shore up their leaky backline if they are to do so. Rumors of a comeback from defensive line Danno Taylor seem wide of the mark at the moment, as he was seen heading to the physio for repairs to his glass knee.

It was left to coach Higgins to round off the day…. "I believe that we have a lot of good, young guys who continue to get taught well. I want to mention that I think our coaching staff has done an outstanding job, both offensively and defensively. I'm very proud of the way the team played today and it's good to see Thom Perrett out of the Priory clinic at last"

by Dick Enberg.

Five Alive!

This is what happens when men who really should know better, adorn the "colours" and play heroes for a day:

Capital Canaries represent at Jez Vaughn's 6th annual Jo Fagan 5s Tournament. Squads as follows:

Capital Canaries 1 - Ian McKecken, "G", Nick Seech, Thom Perrett (c), Martin (honorary canary), Chris Gallagher.

Capital Canaries 2 - Tom Seech, Matt Semple, Rick Utting (c), Niek Kolkman (honorary canary), Dale Winton (err Matt Davies) & Chris (his bird's a NCFC season ticket holder, honorary canary) Griffiths.

And the rest, as they say, is history ...

These boys mean business! (Niek, Tom Seech and Matt rue their early exit from the big boys competition)

And ... uh .. these boys clearly don't .... muppets! (Martin, Chris and Thom definitely not rueing our heady rush towards the finals of the plate*

Although ... captain fantastic Thom Perrett may well play the fool with the boys during 'down time', but he's all heart (baby) when it comes down to the business end of the tourno ... (now you see him dazzle in the white ..)

Now you don't! (Captain Perrett .. last man standing!)

And his passion pays dividends when the boys roll home with the silverware ...

Yeah so, it was the "plate" (* the group stage losers tourno ..) but who cares .. silver is silver .. as Fergie will tell anyone who listens after Man U triumph (yet again ..) in the Milk/ Coca-Cola cup .. or whatever the fuck they call it these days!

So what have we learned? That Chris Griffiths buys himself many months of happiness in the bedroom department when he spontaneously (i swear) kisses the badge of glory.

That Niek Kolkman (Dutch master if you will), should he wish, has the poise and artistry to sculpt himself a niche at the back as sweeper and rival the boss for a place in the starting 11 (god have mercy on my soul?!) .... That - after our 7-2 thrashing in the CC1 team - the Capital Canaries should stick to 11s?! Or, at the very least, stick to one strong squad for future tournos? Or that we do it all for the yella and green (world's best team).

I'd do it all again for you, yellas - On the ball .. never mind the danger! New season begins in T minus 4 days .... Eye of the Tiger, Lads!

Pre-Season report

Two games, two wins, 4 new signings, one pregnancy and a nasty bout of cyphilis. Just another pre-season for Norwich City.


First up came pre-season training at the newly upgraded facilities of Regents Park. Manager Andy Higgins insisted on a new training facility when he signed the extension to his multi-billion pound contract with the club (as funded by some German bankers) and when the players arrived back after their holidays in Ibeefa and faliraki they were delighted with their new base. All of the negative aspects of the last training ground were replaced with dogshit, no goalposts (not to mention nets) and a map that sent them to completely the wrong part of the park. Higgins commented as such… "It was all part of the plan. Gareth Howard looked like he had piled on a few pounds so I wanted him to do a bit of extra walking to the ground" When asked about the turd on the grass Higgins said… "ah yes, I learnt that from Winston Churchill. He always talked about the courage of his front line forces "in the shit" so I thought I'd put a few of our prima donnas in a similar situation. I have to say I was surprised when I saw Chris Gallagher eating it though. He said it was better then what his mum makes him at home so fair enough"


After a few sessions comprising of Rick Uttingly flexing his new captaincy muscles the squad were ready for their first pre-season game, away to Sunderland in erm….Hendon. Once super striker Chris Gallagher had got through the police line up allongside Benicio Del Torro, Stephen Baldwin, Kevin Pollak, Kevin Spacey and Gabriel Byrne the team were ready to start. The line-up gave debuts to a few players whose names I cannot spell, and the game went well. In all honesty, Sunderland were the worst team that Norwich have faced since they lost 1-0 to an amputees eleven at the beginning of last season in Danno Taylor's testimonial. But a win's a win.
The game ended 5-0 with Gallagher and Davies netting a brace each and the other being slotted home by useless fop Barnaby Slater. Higgins was happy with the performance, after the game he spoke to The Norwich press saying…. "I am happy with the performance"


One week later and the canaries were back in action against an Exeter side determined to show that they're not "Inbreds with 6 toes on each foot and breasts on their calfs" as they had been called by one unnamed Norwich player. The game was a one-sided affair though as Norwich won 3-1. This was partly down to the excellent football and composed finishing of the yellows, but also because the majority of the Exeter team were too busy filing their toenails whilst sucking on eachother's leg tits to pay much attention to the game. Gallagher and Davies got a goal each with new signing Gappy getting the other one (he used to have a gap in his front teeth apparently, nothing to do with a huge gap in his knowledge)


Now there is just a week before the team start their Apfscil league campaign with a tricky looking opener against The Republic Of Ireland. Steve Staunton has said that he will bring a full strength side down to the Civil Service so much will rest on whether Chris Gallagher will be able to get the better of John O'Shea and Shay Given and whether the defence of Harris, Slater, Higgins and possibly Boucher will be able to keep Robbie Keane and Damien Duff at bay.


Prediction - home win.

2006/07 Season Preview

The season of destiny?

Norwich manager Andrew Higgins has never been so buoyant. He is positive that his summer spending spree has left him with the strongest squad in the history of the Capital Canaries. Sure there were the glory days of Dave 'Crazy legs' Lemmon, Ken 'Bionic man' Wylie and Ian 'three (score) bags full sir' Church, but never has the boss had such a rash of ravishing young athletes to choose from, not since he was seen leaving that Bangkok brothel anyway - and that left him with a very different kind of rash.

2006 has been incredibly fruitful for Norwich so far. Since the turn of the year they have only been beaten twice, and not at all by any teams that would open their wallet for anyone other then themselves. This leaves them with an unenviable task - that of living up to the pre-season expectations that have been heaped upon them by the notoriously fickle British red-top press. Some of the quotes must be taken with a pinch of salt though surely....

"The only true challengers to Hibs' dominance of the Apfscil" - The Times

"If they get a good start, they have every chance of breaking into the top two - The Guardian

"Boy trapped in refrigerator, eats own foot" - The National Enquirer

"If failed playboy Tom Perrett can keep his WAG's away from his HSBC Solo card, then his morale and subsequent form may improve" - The Sport

The new signings do look to have added a certain 'Je ne sais pas' to the squad. For a start there is the new Polish-sounding goalkeeper whose name I have no idea how to say or spell, so let's call him Dave. He has presence in spades, and will worry even the most confident of strikers as he rushes towards their feet reciting self-penned poetry. Challenging Dave for the number one jersey is Ian McMacken or 'Keeps' as he prefers to be called. 'Keeps' is only the second goalkeeper to give himself a self-annointed nickname, after his idol David 'Safe Hands' Seaman. Norwich can only hope that 'Keeps' is a better Keeps then Seaman was a Safe Hands, as in no way will City want to see McMacken trying to decapitate professional Ice Dancers, growing a ponytail or marrying a woman of non-caucasian descent.

Other then the new keepers, the other signings have only helped to add to City's already over-crowded midfield. Firstly there is the elegant runner Greg Tett who has joined the club fresh from a two year stint as a lifeguard in Adelaide, Australia. He was last seen over there wrestling sharks and running along the beach in slow motion carrying a red buoyancy aid whilst chasing tail. (record for using the word buoyant more than once in an article - Ed)

Also joining the team is left-sided dinamo Gappy, whose name nobody knows although rumours of Matthew are yet to be disproven. From his pre-season displays it seems that he has a great engine as well as a contender to Fredi Kanoute's crown as holder of the 'slowest step-over in the west'.

The questions that these new midfield additions ask are simple....will Boucher be moved back to sweeper? Will Gallagher get the endless service his wayward finishing needs to get to double figures this season? and will Slater be able to wait until he gets to know the new players before shouting at them when they've done nothing wrong?

So what does manager Higgins really expect for the new season, when asked this is what he had to say.... "I want wins. Enough wins to put us at the top of the table and keep us there. To make sure this happens I am upping the players' win bonuses to two drinks and a packet of red hot spicy Pringles after each game. I would also like to announce that tightwad Scotch-Franco hybrid Callum Wilson will be captain whilst Michael Owen's knee double Danno Taylor recovers from yet another injury. Now I will not be speaking to the press again until the winter break"

So...confidence is high, but can the players achieve their full potential and topple Hibs? Only time and destiny will tell......

Inches!

Norwich "A's"
Back Row from left to right: Danno Taylor, Nick Denys, Andy Parling
Front Row from left to right: Thom Perrett (c), Chris Gallagher

Norwich "B's": Harris, Howard, Seecharan N, Seecharan T, Slater, Sullivan

Captain Fantastic (for a day!) Thom Perrett proudly displaying his side's Semi-finalists' shield following a battling performance in a tournament run that pitted the yella army against clubs with much greater resources.

With 2x bare bones squads and no subs, the CapCans were always going to struggle to make it all the way, however the day left us with some fantastic memories - Norwich 'Bs' even made it to the quarters, with 2 thrilling wins 3-2 & 4-1 goal-fests undeniably expunging last year's dismal performance when only 1 goal was scored in 4 games and exiting in the qualifiers.

The memory of the day however must be the victory over Glasgow Rangers (for only the 2nd time in the clubs history, the first occuring about an hour earlier in the above 4-1 drubbing) in a thrilling penalty shoot-out. Nick Denys (keeper) hurled himself low and right to deny the 'Gers top spot-kicker for the first time ever - allegedly - in his entire footballing career. But for a real captain's performance, Enjoy perrett's text-book 'pen' again and again and again .. below.

Well done chaps!

Everybody wants to know his name ...

... Absolutely Flawless!

Congratulations to GQ's man of the year (Inspirational Category), Dan Taylor! In his first full season of fitness, Danno imperiously cast aside the nay-sayers who claimed that "Mr Glass", as he affectionately became known following his first two injury-ridden (non) seasons, would never fulfill his true potential.

Well Done Danno. With your 3 MotMs and 7 goals from the back this year, it has been good to see, finally, what you can really do. More of the same next season please.

Collecting the Capital Canaries 'Players Player of the Year' award for season 2005/06, Danno appeared non-plussed with his 2nd prestigious honour in as many days, having just returned from a star guest appearance at GQ's "most influential men of the 21st Century" awards in Riga, Latvia. Perhaps all that shampoo modeling work in media-land has gone to his head and he really believes "it's because he's worth it"?! Or perhaps he was just physically and emotionally spent having combined business with pleasure on his romantic weekend away in the Baltics with agent-cum-friend-cum-flatmate-cum-onmyface Bennett. Danno did let his guard slip for the briefest of moments, the ultra cool persona vanishing to reveal a rare moment of genuine emotion, when he later admitted it was an absolute privilege to have his name sharing space on the same shield as legends like Barney Slater, who really should be plying his trade at a much higher level. Spare a thought for poor Rick Utting, runner-up, who walked away empty-handed after an excellent first full season. Like a true pro and team player, Rick took it on the chin, claiming " As long as I get the big one, next year I'll be happy". The PoS shield, Rick? "No, the League and Cup double!". Excellent spirit, and with an attitude like that at a time when he must have felt hard done by following rumours he was in the running for the top honour - who knows, 2006/07 may just be our year. Eye of the Tiger fellas, 104 days to go ...

Glasgow Rangers 3 Capital Canaries 2

Sunday May 21st 2006

Line-up: Slater, Higgins (65), Howard, Taylor, Perrett (80), Parling, Bennett, Boucher, Utting, Davies, Gallagher, Harris (65), Seecharan N (80)

Confidence was flowing through the members of the Capital Canaries squad, not only because they had spent a season sending shockwaves through the APFSCIL, but because the Spice Boys had not been up to their usual antics the previous night. Ringleader Thom Perrett spent the night indoors alone at St Davids Sq playing Star Wars computer games. His assistant Barney Slater spent the evening babysitting the child he adopted with his gay partner, soon to be husband thanks to controversial new laws. Peripheral figure Rick Uttingley hit the hay at 9pm sharp with warm milk and cookies, and legend Chris Gallagher limited his session to a meagre 8 pints. Even group wannabe Dan Taylor agreed to cut short his ladyboy shagging holiday in Latvia to fly back and captain the side in the disgraceful absence of the newly transfer listed Scot Callum Wilson.

With no goalkeeper to call upon for the fixture Norwich called upon Slater to take up the reins between the sticks, a decision made because he can play in that position to a much higher level, so he reckons!! An interesting sub-plot took place to see who would take up the remaining centre back spot, a battle won by Gareth Howard beating Pete Harris in a smoke-off.

The game itself was a high tempo affair and both teams tried to play football on a sodden surface. Chances were few and far between and there was nothing to choose between the sides when a free kick was awarded to Rangers a full thirty yards from goal. The Rangers midfielder stupidly decided to strike it, he didn't know Slater could play at a higher level. His shot however hit a fat kiwi on his oversized arse and went in.

Norwich responded with gusto and took the game to Rangers. Awarded a free kick in a similar position to the one Rangers scored from, Perrett elected to cross, Gallagher met the poor delivery with an assured finish only to see his shot unluckily flash wide. This near miss only worked to inspire Norwich, knowing the breakthrough was close. Paul Bennett put his foot on the ball in the centre of the park and worked the ball forward to Andy Parling who, uncharacteristically, slid in Gallagher down the right. Gallagher took the ball under control and pulled it back to Matt Davies who had the simplest of tasks from two yards to score the equalizer.

Half time came and Norwich were sure that the game was theirs for the taking. An open and engaging second half ensued. Chances came and went, most notably from Perrett who, having done the hard work and controlled Utting's raking crossfield ball, conspired to try and chip the keeper when power was the order of the day. Another Norwich attack was launched and, spurred on by his miracle run a la John Barnes at the Maracana last time out against Boro, Howard found himself surging toward the Rangers goal only this time instead of a pony shot he scooped the ball over the Rangers defence presenting Davies with the chance to score. However davies just didn't reach the ball and Rangers lunatic keeper hoofed it upfield, with Howard in nose bleed territory at the opposite end of the pitch rangers found the time and space to chip the hapless Slater, who should really be playing at a higher level, and take the lead again.

Slater, who should really be playing at a higher level, kept Norwich in the game with some smart saves and Norwich found the energy to raise their game one last time. Captain for the day, Dan Taylor rose to meet a couple of whipped in corners only to see his headers miss the target. long shots from Utting and Perrett did little to inspire Higgins who replaced the latter with Nick Seecharan in an attempt to shake things up. Gasps were then drawn in a final roll of the dice by Higgins, when on came Harris to replace his gaffer. That sounds normal enough but Harris went upfront, UPFRONT!! Harris raced onto a couple of majestic through passes one from Boucher and one from Gallagher, on both occasions Harris nearly kicked the ball, nearly.

Nick Seech, on for the lacklustre Perrett found himself wide right with a couple of minuted to spare, and crossed a dangerous ball into the Rangers penalty box. This delivery was one that Gallagher's aerial prowess surely deserves and there was the Eltham born hitman to head across goal into the far corner and set up a barnstorming finish. 2-2 game on.

Norwich poured forward knowing that only a win would allow them to leapfrog Rangers into second spot, and automatic Champions League qualification. With literally seconds remaining Boucher found himself 25 yards from goal with the ball dropping nicely for a strike, he struck it well and the ball arched toward the top corner only a combination of keeper and bar was to deny him and Norwich ultimate glory. To rub salt into the wound another counter attack paid off and with Norwich pushing men forward they were left cruelly exposed at the back and conceded a third. Slater with no chance, but then again he should be playing at a higher level.

All that was left was for Gallagher to get robbed of what was rightly his in the bar, and for a rallying cry from Higgins for a double next year, it can and will be acheived.

Congratulations to Dan Taylor on his Player of the Year Award and best of luck to Matt Davies on retaining his golden boot, believe me he's going to need it.

MOTM: Utting (whose dazzling MotM performance some how doesn't warrant a single mention in the match report .. NICE!)

Representing

Stay composed boys! They're human just like you and me .. yeah right! About to take the field against NCFC legends Dale Gordon, Bryan Gunn, Robert Fleck, Jeremy Goss, Peter Mendham, Mark Barham, Trevor Putney and friends. With Lawrie McMenemy providing coaching/ management tips before kick-off .. how could we go wrong! A solid second half lock-down courtesy of the Capital Canaries contingent (Higgins, Seecharan N, Perrett, Taylor, Davies, Utting) gave the Westminster Charity team a 1-0 second half victory against Bryan Gunn's All Stars. Sadly though, a first half romp from the pastmasters proved to much for MP for Norwich North, Ian Gibson's charity contingent who lost out 3-2 overall. More professional pics to follow shortly I hope, but for now, check out this and others at Club Sec Nick's Flickr Site

Middlesbrough 3 - 5 Norwich City

Norwich line-up: Perrett, Taylor, Higgins, Howard, Harris, Boucher, Slater, Utting, Parling, Davies, Gallagher

 

At the time of press, we don't yet know the exact significance of next week's game against Glasgow Rangers. Either way it's a must win for Norwich with, at a minimum, their 2006 100% league record on the line. It should see the return of Wilson from a lengthy prostate injury and Semple (steroid ban), but the Yellows will be without Parling (time management course) and possibly Taylor (little fivesies kickabout with his meejah chums). In any case, Norwich have done everything possible so far this year to grab 2nd spot from Rangers, and this was another example of the G&D City have shown on a number of occasions when up against it.

 

At 3-1 down at half-time on a boggy pitch not conducive to Norwich's brand of passing football, journos from the broadsheets and red tops alike were licking their lips. Was Higgins' mind still on the job? Is his head right? With rumours linking him to the hotseat at one-time fortress Carrow Road, his loss of the kit in midweek, and heavy drinking after his disappointment at not producing a male heir, the editorial was writing itself. But luckily for him, his side does not lie down and after waiting patiently to get on terms, eventually ran away clear victors.

 

This was Sunday football at its most Sunday. Pissing rain and hail, knee deep mud, driving wind, miscommunication about kick-off times, ref turning up an hour late and no nets (at least for the warm-up). Then, when the usually decisive gaffer Higgins suggested 4-4-2, 3-2-1-2 and 3-4-3 before settling on the tried and tested, unbeaten in 10, bags-of-goals, sexy football, pass-and-move formation he has used for the last year, eyebrows were raised all round the away dressing room. Those rumours could be true.....

 

Things started to go wrong in the warm-up. Perrett pulled up with a sore knee, and had to swap jerseys with the reluctant stand-in stopper. Slater's actually a really really excellent keeper and could play at a much higher level apparently. Nonetheless he was delighted at the role reversal and immediately started leathering balls at his flatmate in sticks. It did not inspire confidence. And it wasn't long into the game when 'crisp-packet hands' first touch was to pick the ball out of the net. To be fair to him, there was nothing he could do to stop it. A corner was whipped in ferociously with the wind and met at the near post with a crisp downward header.

 

Norwich, playing into the wind, responded immediately. A flick-on from a hopeful ball cleared the Boro defence. Davies met it first time from just inside the box, smashing the ball past the keeper at his near post. The recovery was shortlived though as the yellows struggled against the wind after that point and were being pushed back into their own half. They matched Boro for long periods but were always vulnerable with the treacherous footing and wind in their teeth. 1-1 became 3-1 before the break. A mix-up between Higgins and Perrett let Boro in for their second, and the third came as Perrett, left arm aloft seemingly still hailing a taxi from his previous error, was beaten by a lob that came back off an upright for a tap in.

 

Everyone knew that with the elements on side it would be a different game after the break. At half-time Higgins had to use all his footballing guile and tactical wizardry to win back his dressing room. And he did just that. "Lump it long, lads!" was the message. Harris, today in an unaccustomed left wing berth, growled, nodded vigorously in approval, shouted "Welcome back boss" and trudged out to take his place on the other side of the pitch.

 

Shortly after the break, City halved the deficit. Slater dummied a throw-in from the right, which ran to Davies. The Norwich striker, tightly marked, swivelled and lashed the ball home into the far corner past the diving keeper from 15 yards. Then followed a spell of Norwich pressure for the equaliser. The longer ball game was having the desired result against a very square back four and chances came and went. Gallagher, fed by Boucher and Parling, repeatedly broke the line but unfortunately not the net. Norwich were patient, and the equaliser very nearly came from the unlikeliest of sources. Gareth Howard embarked on an ambitious run weaving his way past four or five (6?, 7?!) defenders, and had he not hit the wall and blacked out 10 yards earlier, would surely have notched his first career goal at the right end of the pitch. As it was, the keeper came out well to deny the hyperventilating 40-a-day man.

 

Norwich's equaliser came with 10 minutes remaining. Davies beat his man by the left corner flag and drove a cross right onto Slater's head. Slater missed it but it carried through to Utting who turned up (unlike last week) at the far post to steer the ball into the net. Boro were rattled, and the comeback was complete shortly afterwards. Gallagher was sent clear down the right channel by Howard. He beat his man for pace, drew the keeper and squared for Davies to slide in and complete his hat-trick. The scoring was then completed a minute from time, when Slater, mistaking Boro's red for Aberdeen's, rose well to Utting's diagonal cross and sent a looping header into the top corner.

 

So it was job done again for the Yellows. This is a side that has been up against it in quite a few games this season. In the first half of the season, heads dropped and points were dropped. In the second half, they have got all three on every occasion. If they can keep their squad fit and loyal, and their young manager's head straight, it would take a brave man to bet against this team knocking Hibs off the top spot next season. But in the mean time, there's still work to be done this season. Norwich have never beaten Glasgow Rangers in this league, but something tells me that that will change this weekend. OTBC.

 

Norwich scorers: Davies (3), Utting, Slater

MotM: Davies

Honours

Just in case anyone needed any additional motivation to close out another excellent season in style, the final dash for club honours may be just the tonic you are looking for!

Up for Grabs: Player of the Season (PoS) and Golden Boot primarily, plus awards available for commitment and clubmanship. Here are some Stats to give you an idea who's in the running (and for the rest of us, just remember "We're all Winners!" Well that's what my Mum told me anyway ...)

Top Scorers:

Davies - 17 goals from 15 appearances (CCFC Career Ratio: 1.44)
Gallagher - 15 goals from 19 appearances (CCFC Career Ratio: 0.79)
Taylor - 7 goals from 17 appearances* (CCFC Career Ratio: 0.42)
Slater - 6 goals from 16 appearances (CCFC Career Ratio: 0.26)

* is that 17 appearances from 20, Mr Glass??! I had to stop and re-read the facts there for a second!

MotMs:

Parling & Taylor - 3
Utting, Wilson & Gallagher - 2
Boucher, Davies, Howard, Perrett, Semple, Slater - 1

Top Appearances (out of 19):

Gallagher & Perrett - 19
Higgins & Taylor - 17
Slater - 16
Davies & Utting - 15

So in summary

Don't expect Davies and Gallagher to be passing the ball too much to each other in the last couple of games. MoTM on the other hand ... oooooooh it's wide open

London Hibs 1 Capital Canaries 0

Sunday 26^th March 2006

Semi Final – Dave Baister Cup

 

Team Line-up: Semple, Harris, Slater, Taylor, Seecharan N (45), Perrett (65), Parling, Wilson, Boucher, Davies, Gallagher, Higgins (45), Stephenson (65).

 

Long after the game had finished, the crowds had left, and the only signs of the battle between Hibs and Norwich was Gareth's 4 empty cigarette packets blowing across the hallowed turf, were people left to wonder on two questions; how do you get an indirect free kick in the penalty box from being scissor kicked in the head, and secondly how is it possible to miss from 4 yards in the last minute?

 

The afternoon had begun with much hype and anticipation. Such was the expectation that another year would bring another semi final success for the boys in yellow, that Harris had put all his clients in Lucozade stock, producing 20 free bottles. The changing room was under instruction from the boss to wait until he arrived before warming up, but after finishing 3 litres each of this unethical insider traded lemon power up – the lads were bouncing off the walls. The normal pre-match conversion competition followed.

 

Norwich had 3 key players missing, but showed why they were the current form team in the league with ample strength in depth. Callum (slight migraine)and Bennett (runny nose) both produced doctors notes to excuse them from crowd watching duties. Utting however showed complete lack of regard for his teammates by holidaying in Budapest for the weekend.

 

The boss gathered the squad together prior to kick off to announce the line up and deliver his rousing Henry V oration. Nervous glances from the boys followed Higgins' production of a clip board and the claim that he had been working on his speech all week. The shock however was that AH left himself on the bench, with Barney filling his size 6's at sweeper.

 

The game kicked off with Hibs having the better of the opening exchanges. Gallagher looked lively upfront, with some neat early touches, confounding the changing room doomsayers that he had flouted the 10pm Higgins curfew the night before. Apparently identified by Hibs as a danger man, Gallagher was then schythed down repeatedly from behind. The referee and lines-people somehow conspired to miss the offences. This culminated in the obligatory red mist (purple haze?!) descending on the striker who was inevitably yellow carded for his troubles.

 

The eagle eyed officials, however did not miss any of City's minor indiscretions. Parling continued where he left off in previous encounters with Hibs, stalking the mid-field and dispensing his own form of justice. Harris was also unlucky to be booked.

 

It was Gallagher though, that created the best of Norwich's openings, with a surging run into the box. The Hibs defender then mistook Gallagher's head for the ball and brutally hacked him down inside the box. Thankfully the referee was well positioned, and gave the only decision that he could, an indirect free kick in side the box.

 

That let off spurred Hibs into life. Hibs created several good chances, brilliantly saved by Semple. The fact that Matt was not available to play in the final, for similar reasons as the disgraced Utting, did not distract him from turning in a superb display.

 

The defence was being consistently pressed, and Harris and Barney were over-heard discussing the depth of City's back line. Only minutes later Hibs scored, following a break through the midfield, a slip from Danno, and a one two that lead to Hibs side footing the ball through Barney's legs. Claims for offside from Slater and Davies were surely a cunning plan to see whether the goal would be disallowed, and the correct decision given instead - an free kick in side the box.

 

Norwich upped the tempo but created few clear cut opportunities for the remainder of the half.

 

Half time.

 

The break allowed the boys to re-group and re-organise. The boss delivered an impassioned plea for the team to remain focused, to play with cool heads, to leave the whingeing, moaning and diving to Hibs, and concentrate on playing football.

 

The second half started with Parling now on the left and Higgins in his usual sweeping role. It took only 10 seconds before the boss was involved in an ugly off the ball incident. His own half time words long forgotten.

 

The game duly opened up as Norwich pressed for the equalizer. Norwich created two good second half chances, one falling to Davies, whose shot went well wide. Davies claimed later that the cross, following Slater's good work down the right, took a bobble. The second chance came from a pin point cross from Boucher landing on Danno's head Danno put the header just wide. The make shift centre forward at this stage was inexplicably carrying Bennett's unwashed left sock wrapped around his big thumb. Some were questioning whether Bennett's absence and the wrapped big thumb were in fact linked?!

 

After a number of Hibernian break away chances, the final minute saw a free kick awarded to Norwich 35 yards out. A floated ball from Slater saw Boucher make a well timed run from deep to find himself in the clear with only the keeper to beat. The level of technical skill required to bury the ball as it came over his left shoulder, swirling in the wind, with a notorious sex addict bearing down on him was all too much, and the ball went just wide. Game over, and Norwich's dream died.

 

The post mortem ensued in the bar. No blame was apportioned (apart from the holidaying Utting). Even the referee was absolved, as he is used to refereeing at a much higher level, where apparently in-direct free kicks in the box are more often given.

 

On a more positive note, Seech presented the boss with enough dodgy sports-ware for a week in Liverpool , for the 151 games Andy has played for the club. Andy was over-heard mumbling that next year will be Norwich's year for both the league and cup. Andy -  make mine a double. Oh and by the way, Andy had a baby.

 

 

Hibs 1 Norwich 0

 

Man of the Match: Boucher

Capital Canaries 3 Middlesbrough 1

APFSCIL Division One

Norwich City  3    Middlesbrough  1

Sunday, 05 March 2006


No sign of a single 'Higgins Out' protestor at the Civil Service ground on the day after many 'Higgins In' banners were spotted at our less illustrious big brother's Carrow Road misery-pit a hundred miles or so up the road.

The fact that this was the Capital Canaries' 7th league win in a row has had many internet message boards awash with rumours that our baby making manager is due to take a 90% pay cut and take up the Carrow Rd hotseat any day now.

WeLoveYouPaulMcVeigh1991, the internet's most respected poster had this to say;
"Higgins' ability to motivate such layabouts and criminals as Paul Bennett and Chris Gallagher wouldn't go amiss among those overpaid prima-donnas at Carrow Road, I'd get him in. Fair enough, we'd have to top Mourinho's wages, but like Jennifer Aniston- he's worth it".

Norwich were facing Boro without Rich Stephenson, Nick & Tom Seecharan, Andy Parling, and Rick Utting. It appears that Andy Parling must be dead, as there's no match report to be seen from the previous match. Rick was on an Uttingly great cruise to the Mediterranean island of Mikanos. This meant going into the game with only 10 natural left footers in the team, way less than normal. With Rick's left midfield berth vacant, up stepped Perrett, with a left foot so cultured that it's currently reciting the works of William Goldwin to a 19th century poetry class.

Other changes included George Clooney effortlessly slipping into Perrett's size 10s on the right hand side of Norwich's midfield, Callum Wilson took a break from losing Nick Leeson sized funds and making tea for real traders to return to the heart of the side, and a mentally rejuvenated Slater returned from undisclosed personal problems involving Marcus Trescothick's wife to complete the Canaries XI.

One or two of the Canaries were carrying injuries heading into the game. In Gallagher's case it was carrying 10 pints of south London's premier nightspot's Snakebite in his belly. Bennett looked like he'd come straight from the Clapham Grand, and Ladies Favourite Davies was suffering with an unsatisfactory manicure.

The game started with Captain Callum winning the toss and electing to start the game downhill and with the wind. Perry Groves would have been proud of both Boucher and Perrett's ability to chuck the ball half the length of the pitch. It was probably just the wind.

The game's first real chance fell to Harris in the second minute. A near post corner found the Richard O-Brian lookalike on the edge of the six yard box, and his glancing header went wide of the far post. This was not to deter the Canaries, who pressed hard at the Boro back line before claiming the lead after 15 minutes through the predatory Matt Davies.

A good move down the left saw a couple of shots fired in at the Boro goal before the ball deflected at an awkward height to 'Dale' Davies who put the ball past the keeper with minimum fuss. He then proceeded to cerebrate by taking us all to Asda after the game and encouraging us to put as many items in a trolley as possible in 60 seconds.

They say bad luck comes in threes. In Gallagher's case he had a double bout of it. On a miserable afternoon for the angry south Londoner around six chances went begging. A mixture of good goalkeeping, wayward finishing, goals not being big enough, and snakebite kept his goal tally for the afternoon down to a measly one. To be fair to Davies' less predatory partner, it was a good one. A floated ball over the top from Perrett from just inside his own half caught the Boro defence napping and Gallagher nipped in behind before exchanging passes with Winton and firing home off the post from 15 yards into the bottom corner.

With Slater, Wilson and Bennett winning everything in midfield, and linking up well with the frontmen, the Canaries were playing well. The odd misplaced pass did anger the sensitive (not just his skin) Slater, but he kept going and he and Wilson were enjoying adulation of the yellow army who had gathered en mass.

Chances continued to go begging, with Bennett, and Davies again going close. With the defence only breached once after a double nause-up by Harris and Higgins, Semple in the Norwich goal was rarely called upon for the first 45 mins, but it was unlikely that this would continue into the second half with the Canaries up the hill and against the wind. Half time brought words of encouragement from the gaffer, but it was clear that 2 goals may not have been enough on a day where conditions favoured those sat at home doing something else.

Just two minutes into the second half Boro had their first good chance on goal. Clearly encouraged to shoot with the wind, their midfielder unleashed a looping effort from 35 yards that Semple did well to turn over his bar for a corner.

Middlesbrough's goal was a beauty. Davies made a rare foray into his own half "tracking back" I think it's called. The resulting foul on the onrushing Boro midfielder resulted in a free kick in a central position 25 yards out. Semple set up a four man wall but was powerless to stop a rocket into the top corner.

This gave Boro some confidence, and they were quick to up their tempo and trouble Norwich at times. Slater's Strop-o-meter was registering 4 or 5 at this point before a mis-control took it off the Richter scale to the sound of sighs, huffs and puffs. A collective 'tut' was heard from the Canaries. The increased Boro attacking was leaving gaps at the back, and it was a good job for them that Gallagher was in such a generous mood, beating the post twice then hitting the keeper from close range. Davies was left rueing his decision not to forcefully take the ball off Gallagher's toes to apply the finishing touches. Motivational guru Slater also went close with a side footer that didn't quite connect from 18 yards following good work from Boucher.

A moment of class from Paul Bennett on the edge of his own box then infuriated the chasing Boro forward who was turned inside out by Bennett who span away from him on the edge of the box. Bennett was then twice hacked down, the second time a headbutt which resulted in a straight red card for the Boro forward.

With Boro down to ten men, the game opened up for Norwich who were able to enjoy good periods of possession. With the Boro defence opened up following a good move in midfield Slater was able to release a great pass through the middle of the two centre halves for Wilson to run on to. With the ball onto his favoured left foot, Wilson calmly slid the ball past the keeper and reeled away in delight. Gallagher looked on in envy of such composure in front of goal.

The Canaries had won 7 straight league games for the first time in 34 years - coincidentally, Dan Taylor's real age.

Norwich 3-1 Middlesborough

Man Of The Match: Tom Perrett

Preview Norwich City Vs Crewe 19/3/06

Facts never lie. Except for Jonathan King of course. He's really fact and keeps protesting his innocence. In terms of football though, the cliche stands true and the facts are these; Norwich City have won seven on the spin in the league and eight including their Dave Baister Cup demolition of the now defunct Birmingham.

So, how does this budding young journo approach a preview for this weekends big game at the Civil Service? Simple really, it looks like Crewe are in for a pistol-whipping not seen since Rodney King got on the wrong side of the law. Mind you, it has got to the stage where the three points may not be enough for the Canaries. They need....

GOALS

GOALS

GOALS

The good news is that the team have been scoring quite a few goals of late. The bad news is that their three top strikers are all unavailable for the game with bad aids. It is believed that Gallagher picked it up at a family gathering in Croxteth (The liverpudlian arm of the Gallagher mafia). He in turn passed it on to Davies when they had a spa together at Dale Wintons house. How Stephenson picked it up is a mystery, but no doubt he'll tell us at length next time we see him.

So who will play up front you ask? Well, nobody really knows. The usual suspects have put their names forward. Taylor has mentioned his goals record this season, although he seems to have forgotten that to play up front you have to run a bit, and the doubts remain as to whether the knee he got from Albert Steptoe in the transplant will hold up to it. Gareth Howard has put his name forward to, although smoking on the pitch is not allowed and everyone feels that he would struggle to score goals with that massive thumb hangs over him wherever he goes.

The smart money is on rancid, dogbreath-ridden, spinabifida sufferer Barnaby Slater getting at least a half up front. In his favour is that he scored five in three up front last year  and that he has six to his name from midfield this season. However, he is a total prick with a penchant for soddomy so why should he be given the responsibility? What a cunt. And I don't use that word lightly. He also has herpes from a dalliance he had with a goat.

My prediction for the game is 4-1 to City, with Taylor notching at both ends.

Squad (from):

Semple
Perrett
Taylor
Higgins
Howard
Seecherans
Slater
Wilson
Boucher
Parling
Harris
Uttingly



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Secret Sundays 12/02/06

As P Don made his pitch inspection at the civil service sports ground yesterday afternoon, Capital Canaries manager Andrew Higgins was already texting his boys to tell them not to make the trip to Chiswick. The reason for this was that Higgins had already taken a look at the pitch, and his degree in Agriculture and Land-Based studies told him that there was no way that the game could go ahead. As the following report will show, Higgins' foresight was a blessing in disguise.

As the text came through various members of the Norwich team were otherwise indisposed, and the truth is that had the game gone ahead, the yellows may not have had many players available to put London Rangers to the sword.

10.32 am

Vice-Captain Marvel Dan Taylor awakes to the bleeping of his mobile phone. He has no idea where he is although he has never previously been outside the borough of Clapham so he knows that he is in that area somewhere. As his eyes get used to the light he tenses up immediately. He realises that he has a belt tied around his neck loosely, which is also attached to the light on the ceiling. Various questions go round his head.....Why have I got no clothes on? Why have I got an orange in my mouth? Why have my genitals been stapled to a poster of Sam Parkin, the famously mis-firing Ipswich Town striker? He reaches for his phone and is relieved when he sees the game has been called off.

10.33 am

Callum Wilson is settling down to a pre-match meal of veal, snails, pain au chocolate, baguettes, onions and haggis. His wife is there, but he has forgotten her name. His daughter is there, but she has no idea who he is. Luckily for Callum it matters not, for he has his armchair, his bankers blazer and his trusty speccy glasses. Suddenly, and out of nowhere, the plug is pulled from his Scrooge McDuck-esque money vault and the coins all start spilling onto the streets of Earls Court. Wilson runs out to the vault, screaming like Tim Howard on Speed, and sinks to his knees a broken man as all around him, hundreds of Australian barmen scramble around for his hard-earned money. Well, his money anyway. Frazer's final act of the day was to look at his mobile phone, and sigh as he saw the text saying that the game was off.

10.34 am

 Meanwhile, in Eton, Barnaby Slater awoke from his slumber when his butler walked in carrying his gold-plated mobile phone on a silver platter. Once the butler had finished him off in his mouth, Slater took the time to read the messages that had come in. The first one was from his old pal Sir Marcus Digby-Smythe. The message said "Was bloody sloshed last night, can't believe you poured that jereboam of champagne all over your wee willie winkie". Upon reading the message, Slater asked his butler to remove the white sediment on the corner of his mouth, and to send a reply to Digby-Smythe telling him to "Sod orrrffffff". Slater then read the second message, and was pleased to see that the Norwich game had been called off later that day.

10.34 am

Somewhere in Britain, the 6th annual Dale Winton lookalike convention was coming to its grand finale. The dead ringers had been whittled down to the final two. On one side of the stage was one Matt Davies of South London. On the other side of the stage was Dale Winton, also of London. As the final votes were totted up, both men looked nervous, exchanging glances from across the stage. The judge, Cilla Black, famously a friend of Dale Winton - took her time in announcing the winner. Finally it was time....she opened the envelope..... "and the winner, chuck, is......Matt Davies"! The crowd erupted, Dale Winton was furious and Matt Davies opened up his mobile phone to see that the game was off. Although it didn't matter - as he wasn't playing anyway, as he had a date that afternoon with Ms Cillaaaaaaaaaa blaaaaaaaaaccccckkkk.

10.35 am

Elsewhere Tom Perrett was in his rape pit, Matt Semple was negotiating with Chris Pattern in Hong Kong, the Seech brothers were trying to work out how to spell their own surnames, Pete Harris was having a secret meeting with Will Carling and Shane Warne, Chris Gallagher was still in The Venue New Cross, Tom Boucher was attempting a jump over the great wall of China, Andy Parling was running, Rich Stephenson was being wise and Rick Utting was moonlighting as Frodos stunt double.

Thank god the game was called off.