December 2nd: Norwich outclass Stoke City

Norwich City 5-0 Stoke City

Reports have emerged this morning that the Bars and clubs of Stoke Newington,
Camden Town and Central London took a massive loss in takings on Saturday
Night. At first they put this down to the ever exciting competition in
'Strictly Come Dancing' and 'The X Factor' but it has since come to pass that
the real reason was that Norwich City's playmaking utility man Barnaby Slater
stayed in on Saturday, to get himself in top condition for Sunday's big game.

When asked about this monumental change in Saturday Night plans the Canaries'
Number Ten said "I have been disappointed with my fitness this season and
wanted to see if my alcoholism had anything to do with it. I also invited my
new boyfriend Richard over and rimmed him out - which helped alleviate the
boredom".

Onlookers watching The Norwich vs Stoke game on Sunday afternoon at The Civil
Service were heard saying... "he should stay in and fuck boys every weekend,
that is the best display I've seen him put in since he scored four against The
Republic Of Ireland last year, and consequently called them all
Potato-fearing, leprechaun-riding bomb-makers" DISCLAIMER: This was actually
not what he said, just what he was accused of saying, not in so may words.

In terms of the game, all this journalist can report is that Stoke City were
given an absolute lesson. At the back, the yellows were dominant. Dan Taylor
was his usual self, dropping like a stone and screaming like a bitch anytime
anyone went near him. New signing 'Searge' came straight from the set of The
Bill to win everything in the air, only stopping to pass his badge and gun
holster to Reg Hollis at half-time. And like a red squirrel finding a pile of
soil in it's drey - Manager Andrew Higgins swept up everything admirably.

Out wide Rick Utting played his heart out, only stopping systematically to
abuse his own players - a role he seems to have taken on from Slater, who must
have other things on his mind since he got over his much publicised personal
problems. Thom Perrett was a work-horse on the right, only once seen stopping
to stroke his beautifully cultivated moustache. At one point he even beat a
man for pace, leading to the manager substituting him for not playing to his
strengths.

In the centre of midfield Boucher played the anchor man beautifully. He has
such grace, purpose and fantastic bone structure. Mikey Stubbs ran about like
a whippet on heat, causing panic in the Stoke rear-guard as they had no idea
where he was playing. Similarly to him in fact. Slater got stuck in, gave the
easy balls and had a hand in a few of the goals. Only a broken left foot, a
torn right calf and broken right index finger (he was stamped on) stopped him
from contributing any more. What a hero.

Up front, Evers was Evers and Patterson was clearly possessed. As he was good.

The goals went something like this....

Evers' goals

1 - A skewed cross from Utting into the penalty area, he latched onto it and
rounded the (stationary) keeper to score.

2 - A slide tackle/pass from Perett having outpaced Mario Melchiot to cut the
ball back and Every rolled it past keeper.

3 - A long ball bounced about three times past their dynamic defence, Every
runs onto it, cool left foot finish into the bottom right corner.

Pattersons' goals

1 - Slater played Evers in on right, he crossed and Patterson finished on the
volley with his swinger. Goal of the season.

2 - Hoof. Finish. Goal.



So, that was that. Stoke were shown how to play the beautiful game. All that
was left was for the gaffer Higgins to give his opinion. We caught him just as
he was on the way to the disabled toilet – easily the most comfortable toilet
at the shabby facility that is The Civil Service. Higgins said..... "ugh....it
was a good ugh...aahhhhhh.....performance from the ugghhhhh.....boys. I am
....ugh....proud....now I have to .....aaaaggggghhhhhh....rush off....ugh"

Norwich will be a hard team to stop on this form.

MOM: Slater – an accomplished performance from the flame haired 15 year old.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The information in this email and any attachments contained are confidential
and may be legally privileged. It is intended solely for the addressee. Access
to this by anyone else is unauthorised and if you are not the intended
recipient, any disclosure, copying, distribution or any action taken or
omitted to be taken in reliance on it, is prohibited and may be unlawful. When
addressed to our Clients, any opinions, quotations, and advice are subject to
our standard terms and conditions. E&OE
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
---

This e-mail may contain confidential and/or privileged information. If you are
not the intended recipient (or have received this e-mail in error) please
notify the sender immediately and delete this e-mail. Any unauthorized
copying, disclosure or distribution of the material in this e-mail is strictly
forbidden.

Please refer to http://www.db.com/en/content/eu_disclosures.htm for additional
EU corporate and regulatory disclosures.