Capital Canaries 5 Birmingham City 1

Davies ALWAYS delivers in a Norwich Kit!

Matt and Daughter, Hope Lily - born 17.12.06 (after letting Matt score his hatrick!)

Line up: Day, Howard, Taylor, Boucher, Slater, Jelbert, Tett, Wilson (60), Perrett (75), Gallagher, Davies (50), Harris (50), Utting (60), Seecharan N (75)

Sunday 17th December 2006

This date will go down in history, not only because Norwich gave Brum a deserved thrashing, but it is the birthday of record breaking hitman Matt Davies daughter, congratulations Matt on behalf of the whole squad, but beware my friend Perrett has shotgunned her when she turns sixteen.

And so it has come to this. Twelve months ago this Canaries team was struggling for form, lacking consistency and staring at a mid table finish. Fast forward a year and things could not be more different. A young(ish), determined squad of players, under the leadership of football guru Andrew Higgins, have put Norwich where they truly belong at the top of the APFSCIL tree, unbeaten and looking to re-write the history books. It has not been easy, not without sacrifice (Bubblegums 2006 profits have been severely hit) but it has been worth it, the job however is far from done and as Norwich go into the second half of the season they face some almighty challenges, however no team was ever better prepared to take it on. Well done in 2006 lads and lets make 2007 the year of the silverware!

Slater, in the absence of Higgins who was picking up his OBE for his achievements in football this year (only one league defeat this calendar year!), was picking the team in collaboration with skipper Rick Utting who was in the comfort of First Class, not bothering to make it on time for the grudge match against Brum. Slater, not in the best of mental states after the bus conductor spotted that he was a big poof and good old Bill McComish slated his bender hat, had some descisions to make. Should Pete or Gareth play centre back? Should returning Player of the Year Dan Taylor start or go sub? Should he come of the closet? Should he have told the lads about Rico moving in with his missus? Anyway, the G Man and Danno got the nod and the teams took to the field ready to tear stripes off each other having faced off in some fiery encounters earlier in the season.

The first of these encounters was refereed by a helpful chap who we were all led to believe was a neutral doing us all a favour. Suspicions were raised when he refereed like a blind spastic, but we were all assured he was as honest as the day is long. However, when we saw him lining up on the subs bench for Brum we knew we had been cheated out of all three points that day in November. Davies, yet to know he was about to become a father, summed it up best when he said "You cheating cunt"! This just made it all the more pleasing that we spanked their blue arses all over the park in the following contests (though they weren't much of a contest at all)!

The game itself was an absolute farce. Birmingham clearly did not deserve to be on the same pitch as their superior rivals, and this was evident from the start. Having totally dominated the opening exchanges Norwich finally made the breakthrough when Tett put in a super cross from the right and Davies finish showed exactly why he resides at the top of the goalscoring charts, quality left foot first time effort leaving keeps stranded. Birmingham must have known by now that they were going to be on the wrong side of a hiding. Soon after, Gallagher raced down the right and cut the ball back to Tett who scored via a deflection into the bottom corner.

Norwich carried on dominating their opponents right up until half time though did not rack up the cricket score that the half had promised to deliver. Davies and Gallagher were causing problems up front, and the trio in midfield of Jelbert, Tett and Boucher were busy out battling and out classing their moaning, stroppy opponents. Perrett and Frazer were giving a masterclass in wing back play, and Slats, G and Danno kept all threats at bay (though there were not many).

The second half was to bring nothing but misery to the moaning cheats in blue. Almost straight from the kick off Gallagher picked up a Boucher throughie and sped through on goal. Not for the first time this term Gallagher showed his unselfish nature and allowed his partner Davies to notch a second. Davies, who loves to score open goals from two yards, said to Gallagher, "Thanks"! Davies was not finished yet though, and when Perrett swung over another well taken corner Davies repeated the trick and fired home from close range, much to the annoyance of the keeper who had pre-occupied himself by wrestling Gallagher, what a schoolboy.

It really was getting boring how crap Birmingham were playing and Davies did what most people felt like doing and left. It was initially assumed by the more cynical of us that he was doing this just to take the piss out of his less predatory partner but it later transpired that he was busy delivering his first born in full Norwich City kit. Textbook. But then again Davies always delivers in a Norwich City kit.

Birmingham did get a goal but that was crap so wont get much of a mention here. What will get a mention here is the reaction to it. Slater had a full blown paddy and screamed "Not good enough" about nine times. If the lads didn't know yet this confirmed just what a posh twat he really is.

The scoring was rounded off when Gallagher, Norwich's player of the year in waiting, netted a stunning solo effort after being released by the energetic Jelbert, who was having a ball making the stroppy No. 5 bite at every opportunity. Textbook.

Birmingham only show of a bit of fight was their linesman. Having been closely tutored by their cheating ref he proceeded to give offside at every opportunity even before a forward pass had been played. Norwich were so far ahead this did not bother them so he took alternative action. Perrett went to take a throw in and got tackled by the pikie in blue. It says it all that this was the best tackle he put in all day, vindicating his gaffers descision to sub the useless git.

Feeling a bit bad that Birmingham were embarassing themselves so badly, Norwich inflicted a bit of self harm. First Tett showed his generous side by attempting to cross to Gallagher and landing flat on his face with the ball pea rolling in the other direction, classic. Slater however thought he could do better and when Gallagher squared the ball across the face of goal yet again Slater managed to lift the ball over the bar from one yard, quite a remarkable feat.

There was time for Perrett to get cruelly scythed down by the No.6 in blue. This No. 6 and his partner the No. 5 must surely be thinking that suicide is the only option after the way they played , and also the way that they bit at every wind up "OH JUST SHUT UP, GOSH!!!", Slater would fit into their team well.

So well done lads, you really showed that when you get eleven men out you do perform better than with nine, barely. Next time we play you we will let you play with twelve, but that won't be this season as we have already dumped you out of the cup.

Anyway, what a year for the boys in yellow, now is the time to push on and become the invincibles. I can only imagine what the win bonus will be if we win the double, Andy I'll email you xmas list this week!

MotM: Gallagher

Keeps 7
Looked assured and confident when called upon.

D. Taylor 8
Back where he left off, dominant in the air and on the deck

G. Howard 8
Strong performance from the G man

B. Slater 9
Played in all the central positions today, quality in all of them

T. Perrett 8
Fine display from the wide man

F. Wilson 8
Good to see him back in this kind of form

T. Boucher 8
Engaged, (congrats Tom) and played a great game

I. Jelbert 8
Kept his promise to feed Gallagher, what a guy

G. Tett 8
Another goal for the midfielder, should have got a brace

M. Davies 9
Another Hat trick, legendary stuff

C. Gallagher 10
Stunning performance capped by a stunning goal

P. Harris 8
Who would know he can play like that as a striker

N. Seecharan 8
Energetic performance from the club man

R. Utting 9
What else do you expect but a top drawer performance from Mr Reliable

Exeter 2 Capital Canaries 3

Team line-up: Slater, Howard, Harris, Higgins (Dan Taylor 75), Perrett, Jelbert, Tett, Boucher, Utting, Galagher, Bennett

“We don’t want a fight or anything, but ref, you had a really poor game…”

The yellows turned up to be greeting by a rather stressed caretaker, fretting that many of the dressing rooms were still un-swept, team names weren’t on the board and if he wasn’t careful his sideline in dealing second hand stolen goods might be jeopardised for good…given that knowledge it was nice to see Tett’s bike still where it was left before dressing, albeit under the close supervision of “the caretakers son”.

The time came for the lads to get their heads together and discuss the whereabouts of two things…the most important being Perretts moustache…an unfortunate casualty to a few days with an itchy top lip, which of course was nothing to do with the ex-girlfriend. The second being ‘keeps, who at the last minute chose Jason Orange instead Canaries Yellow, which some of us Pray won’t happen again, but will Never Forget.

So…a re-shuffle of the pack. Slater lined up between the sticks – much to the dismay of his dad who threatened to withdraw his support unless Barney was allowed a free role. Higgins can only have obliged as Slater enjoyed himself more than ever in a display Rene Higuita could only have dreamt about. Bennett came in for an absent Matt Davies (the lads sending their love to his heavily pregnant wife) whilst Boucher slotted into the middle occupying that bit of space Exeter historically have tried to dominate.

After inflating the 3rd choice match ball, the ref finally got the game underway, but it was Norwich who were slower to start. Captain Utting was still warming up his tonsils when the Exeter number 7 received the ball wide and capitalised by cracking a left shot past stand-in ‘keeps who was given no chance. Norwich had to pick themselves up.

From the kick off, some neat footwork and distribution from Jelbert and some keen foraging down the left hand touch line from Utting began to cause concern for the South-westerners. A number of neat touches and a strong performance in the air added strength to Bennetts case as CCs best ‘old fashioned centre-forward’ whilst Galagher (whose vest and long johns were tailor made for a professional athlete) worked the front line with typical endeavour and skill.

Despite the Canaries having the better of the play, it was Exeter who broke again, scoring their second on the 20 minute mark. This time Norwich found themselves flat footed on the edge of the area and a lucky shot rebounded off the bar only to sit up perfectly for a tap in, 2-0 and quite unjust. Heads didn’t go down though, as is the trade mark of this Canaries side. Utting got his voice going again and Perrett was now finding space on the right given good distribution from Slater and Harris. Howard was also making strides out from the back – winning the ball in the air and giving simple balls to the midfield. Boucher fed Galagher nicely on a number of occasions and he began to stretch the game.

With 5 minutes left of the half Jelbert stung another impeccable challenge on the Exeter no.10, and whilst both men jostled on the deck, Tett nipped in and drove the ball through to the edge of the area only to be cynically wrestled to the ground by a challenge lacking in both technique and desire for the ball. With hearts in mouths, Tett picked himself up and got on with it. Perrett meanwhile had collected the ball, taken position and duly blasted a free kick over the wall into the bottom right corner, a great strike. Norwich were now firing, 2-1 at half-time.

The Yellows emerged with the Higgins hairdryer ringing in their ears. Everyone had a job to do and they knew it.  From the kick off Norwich were quickest, Utting went down the left again, finding an energetic Boucher only for the move to break down in the final third, something that seemed typical of the afternoon. At the other end, Slater played it out from back only for the ball to find the feet of a well placed South-westerner. He struck the ball from 35 yards at an empty net only to find the head of a flying Gareth Howard, 6ft off the ground and mid-way through a neat triple summersault routine (with tuck), who had the audacity to just push the ball onto the bar and out of play. Slater’s dad was loving it and rightly so.

At the other end Norwich won a corner and a goal mouth scramble saw the ball ricochet into the net off the keeper who was stood a yard behind his line. Perrett led the celebrations, but wait, the ref hadn’t seen it. A sneaky hole in the side netting meant the goal went unnoticed, and even after passionate protest there was no changing the refs mind. Pity to see a supreme lack of honest from Exeter it has to be said.

The game had a bit of needle in it at this point, Utting told the no.8 to get a haircut and Galagher was at logger-heads with the whole back line, in typical fashion. The canaries broke again though, and this time it was Jelbert who was illegally infringed 30 yrds from goal, allowing Perrett the chance to swing in another delivery. In it came and there was Galagher…he’d risen above all in sundry to crash a header into the net and up his goal tally by another one…what a servant to the club, 2-2.

Norwich were controlling the game now. Rainy conditions and a lumpy pitch made the football less pretty than that seen previously at Chiswick sports ground, but it was effective. Howard was Sol Campbell-esq when driving from the back, and when he found Bennett’s feet 30yrds from goal, Exeter B team (now watching) could feel something special was about to happen. Bennett swivelled on-a-sixpence and laid the ball into Tett’s path who took one touch, had a look up, and then pulled the trigger with an absolute pile-driver of a shot into the top left corner. This sparked rapturous celebrations made oh-so much sweeter by the fact that the “real score” was now 4-2 and the South-westerners were beaten.

Norwich completed the game under the watchful eye of the talented Dan Taylor from central defence, coming on for Higgins. With minutes running down Galagher showed a very useful ability to hold up the ball and run down the clock, whilst the rest of lads battled through to the whistle with muscle and commitment. Officially 3-2, still unbeaten and in great spirit, the CCs wandered in cursing the ref and congratulating themselves on a job done. Whose next then?

MoTM: Greg Tett

Birmingham 0 Capital Canaries 6 (six)

Dave Baister Cup: Round 1

Sunday 3rd December

Brum sent to Coventry! (well, somewhere there or thereabouts!)

This report could not start off any other way than congratulating Canaries stalwart Pete Harris on the birth of his daughter Lois Sofia, and also congratulating Canaries spice boy Tom Perrett on the birth of his moustache. Despite these important events happening very recently, both turned up for the opening cup game of the Canaries season, Harris as a spectator and Perrett as a ..................well, spectator!

Norwich were dealt a couple of surprises before the game kicked off, firstly when the referee failed to show up, a decision that Keeps would later wish he had made. Secondly Birmingham took to the field with only nine men, a situation that this current Canaries side would never find themselves in. In order to rectify these situations Higgins took on the role of the man in black and to help Birmingham's plight Perrett promised to play crap and he didn't let anyone down (except himself).

With Matthew 'Gappy' Barrett out injured having followed Slaters advice to play at a much higher level, Norwich welcomed back the Lord Lucan of the side, Callum Wilson, into midfield. Slater himself slotted in at sweeper and Dutch porn star Bert Van Hoogenfloof turned out at right wing back.

Norwich started brightly without penetrating too much, ( a joke here is just too easy ) and found the breakthrough when Wilson volleyed home from 10 yards, showing good concentration as the ball took ages to come down from a great height. The second goal followed soon after when Gallagher was released down the left by Utting and raced through on goal, drew the keeper towards him and gave Davies the simplest of tasks. Two nil up early and a rout was expected but it did not come. Birmingham battled bravely with their numerical disadvantage and Norwich could not seem to find the motivation to put the game beyond doubt. Bad decision making, poor finishing and people playing crap did not help the cause. When Higgins blew for half time a feeling of frustration was seeping through both teams.

The second half offered a chance to put things right for Norwich but it wasn't taken. Perrett crossed an in-direct free kick straight into the net to his dismay. Gallagher was scythed down viciously only for his own manager to label him a cheating diving scumbag!!! Jelbert and Tett were getting upset that Frazer kept ruining all their good work in midfield so dismissed him into the back three and let Slater push forward. This inspired move changed the game. Moments after Frazer buggered off a piece of good football found Perrett in space on the right. A quick glance up and Perrett let fly at goal, despite the floundering effort from the keeper the ball found the back of the net via the inside of the post. The fourth goal was scored by Tom Boucher from close range following a sharp turn and parried shot by Gallagher. Davies found the net a second time when a deflected left foot shot found the bottom corner and the scoring was completed when Gallagher arrowed home from the edge of the box. All that was left was to wake up Keeps and tell Perrett to get a razor.

I. McMeckan 6
Did absolutely nothing through no fault of his own

T. Boucher 7
Strong, reliable and on the scoresheet

G. Howard 6
Solid and dependable

B. Slater 7
Saw lots of ball, used it well most of the time

T. Perrett 7
Got forward more than usual, cracking goal

R. Utting 7
Mr Reliable delivers again

F. Wilson 6
Good finish but where has he been?

G. Tett 7
Competed well, created a few openings

I. Jelbert 7
Tigerish midfield display

M. Davies 7
Two goals from the record breaker

C.Gallagher 8
Class showed , had a Physical and Mental advantage over his opponents

MoTM: Gallagher