CCFC 9 Exeter City As 2

Team Line-up: tbc

With the rain lashing down on proceedings for the first time this season at the Civil Service Sports Ground the Capital Canaries ensured the day was about to get even drearier for the travelling fans of Exeter.

Within minutes of the ‘camp as you like’ referee signalling the beginning of the tie, Davies received a sitter of an opportunity and dutifully headed the ball home from close range after some ‘argy-bargy’ in the Exeter box. The goal was not however Norwich’s first opportunity, moments earlier the ball had flashed across the visitor’s 6 yard box with both outstretched home and away players managing to miss contact with the elusive leather sphere of hope.

The Canaries were clearly stamping their authority on the game, attempting to add more justification to their reputation as a high scoring side. Barrett turned his marker on the corner of the 18-yard box after a cunning throw in from Slater and rifled home first time into the near corner with the spectacularly hapless keeper managing only to push the ball into the side netting. Two goals to the good, any spectator could be forgiven for expecting a cagey end to the first half, however after a somewhat loopy effort of a free kick from Barrett, Davies found himself with yet another gift to tap the ball into the goal unchallenged. 3-0.

From a similar position Barrett unleashed an altogether more threatening free kick enabling the keeper only to push the ball into the top netting to make it 4. The Canaries were playing a standard of football rarely seen on this planet, slick one touch passing to feet with outstanding off the ball movement and support which led to reports the Gaffer had lost all control of his bladder, symbolically representing the conditions of the day and the yellow onslaught being witnessed.

After an exquisitely weighted through ball from Bennett on the half-way line Barrett strode through the middle of the park taking four touches to travel 40 yards and slot neatly into the bottom right hand corner. This was beginning to become a rout. 5-0

To end the first half with two players on a hat-trick is the stuff Sunday league dreams are made of and Davies was about to make that a dream come true for the home fans of 4 geese and a squirrel. With a nicely taken third goal dispatched low to the keeper’s left from 12 yards.

Marlene was fairly well protected by the defensive three having to make only a couple of saves in the first half. However one was of particular importance with the straight-haired one cupping the ball round the post with his extended right hand.

Half-Time

Six nil down at half time the Exeter squad were understandably defeatist in their attitude, however their approach to the remainder of the game caught the Canaries on the back foot with a few chances early in the second half. Thom ‘sex pest’ Perrett worked tirelessly in the second half of the game to run rings around himself and tie his own legs up in knots, confusing and baffling all witnesses with his thomfoolery. His randomness paid off as he provided a whipped cross from the corner for the visiting keeper to push into his own net, obviously still stunned from the Shakin’ Stevens act from Perrett.

Throughout the game Jelbert worked like a Trojan up and down the midst of the action winning and dispatching the ball in the quagmire like centre of the pitch. Slater as usual aided his sidekick winning every 50/50 and commanding every aerial balls from the oppositions goal kicks with his banded locks. At this stage every player on the park was going a little ‘slide-tackle mental’. Seven goals to the good Barrett latched onto yet another through ball, this time from Davies to finish with ease past the Exeter goal keeper, compounding his misery whilst dragging the score-line to 8-0. Davies could have made it nine if not for the heroics of the Exeter number one parrying around the post making his first and only save of the game.

Exeter showed a commendable amount of fight and spirit bagging a headed goal from a corner and slotting a penalty past ‘I always guess the right way’ Marlene after Pete expertly handled in the home box, screaming at the ref to revert his decision. It was noted later by the dressing room joker that ‘The ball hit my hand’ is not the best of defences to put forth.

This fight back coincided with the tactical switch in positions of Slater and Bouch, both of whom were having solid games. This change left the gathered masses, as well as their fellow players, baffled trying to ascertaining any reason for allowing Exeter an opportunity to ‘put the frighteners’ on the home team.

The referee had cause for concern after the ball of pain struck him ‘right on the tendon’ initiating a heartfelt ‘Tosser’ remark to leave his lips directed at a member of the home defence, however, without knowing precisely who attacked him in this vicious manner the culprit escaped scot-free and is still at large in the Chiswick area. All refs are urged not to approach him.

With the score locked at a tense 8-2 Barrett broke down the right wing crossing to the far post with Bennett’s go go gadget foot meeting the leather and forcing the ball over the line. Minutes earlier a goal bound effort from the striker had been cleared Ashley Cole style off the visitors’ goal line.

With so many bleeding goals it’s a right strain to talk about any other points of the game save for Marlene’s top drawer flexibility, usually implemented down the local puff’s parlour, to keep out a goal bound effort from an Exeter player.

Debut for Chris at right back went as well as any initiation with some smart play down the right linking up well with the midfield with calls from certain sections of the fans (and players) for Perrett to be replaced with the new boy wonder.

With the Capital Canaries top of the table and looking stronger by the game confidence is growing in the camp. Their next fixture in a fortnight’s time could sort the men from the boys.

In a post match interview after receiving the bottle of Fosters with a twist, Barrett stated “Jelbert should have won this man of the match, I hate writing match reports.”

MoTM: Gappy

Ten Green (and yella) Bottles ...

Sunday 15th October 2006

Manchester United 1
Norwich City 10 (ten)

Being spotted in a bar normally frequented by gays at
3am is not really the best preparation for a crunch
game at the top of the APFSCIL league. Fortunately
for Norwich City shot-stopper Ian McMeckan he hardly
had to break sweat as the Canaries swept aside a Man
Utd team who proudly boasted a 100% record coming into
this fixture. It was a well earned rest for 'Keeps'
as he has become affectionately known, after all the
bum drumming he had partaken in earlier that morning.
There was also pre - match concern over the morale of
midfield general Barney Slater, not because he had
been asked to play out of position at sweeper but
because he had not been invited along with Keeps to
the gay bar, which is incidentally Slaters local.

Man Utd turned up for the game with only ten men, so
gaffer Andy Higgins, outraged at being overlooked for
the job vacancy at Carrow Road, offered to loan
wing-back and regular substitute Tom Perrett to the
reds to even up the numbers. However the reds boss
had seen Perrett in the warm up and decided to press
on with ten.

Norwich were pumped big time for this game and boy did
it show. Within minutes Norwich were ahead, Gappy, a
much more serious threat to Davies' golden boot than
creator in chief Gallagher, followed in a shot from
distance, a real strikers goal. Before Utd had time
to blink they were two down. This time an inch
perfect cross by Perrett was met by the head of Davies
who got himself off the mark for the season. Sensing
the Man Utd players dis-array Norwich went for the
jugular, and indeed the spectacular as Gallagher hit
an absolutely outrageous cross with the outside of his
right boot to the back post where Davies converted his
second header of the day. Gallagher, in a
particularly unselfish mood then slipped a through
ball into the path of Gappy who ran through to score
his second of the afternoon with another crisp finish.
Norwich, four goals to the good within the first
fifteen minutes were on fire.

There was still time in the first half for Davies to
really take the piss and grap his hat-trick of headers
this time meeting another accurate Perrett corner and
looping his header into the net. Davies found time to
score again in the half but by this time he was just
showing off! The only blip of the half for Norwich
was when G Faircloth got his obligatory goal via a
well struck free kick. The wall done its job about as
well as an inflatable dartboard and left Keeps
helpless, though someone said if it had of been a
cheeseburger flying at him he would've caught it.

The second half picked up where the first left off,
with Norwich dictating and dominating the game. Any
time Man Utd tried to attack the Cap Cans, they were
expertly thwarted by the three musketeers at the back,
Slater, Harris and Howard. Ian Jelbert thought he
would try and build on last weeks motm performance by
scoring this week, only everytime he tried to do so
his goalbound efforts found someones arse, elbow or
shin. Frazer, upset at not finding the net himself,
feigned a head injury to prevent Gallagher from
scoring when he was clean through. Gappy, having been
so clinical up till now went on to miss a host of
chances to complete his hat-trick. When he finally
did convert a chance to rack up his third goal he
celebrated as wildly as Keeps did when he got inside
the gay bar.

The eighth Norwich goal of the afternoon came when
Rick Utting, who played majestically on the left hand
side, burst down the channel and crossed only to see
the ball turned into the net by a Man Utd defender.
Somehow he got credited with the OG. The ninth goal
came when Gallagher, bored with giving Matt Davies
open goals from two yards only to see him miss,
produced some quick footwork and a neat finish to add
his name to the scoresheet. The game was rounded off
when Davies plundered his fifth and Norwichs' tenth
goal, proving what an idiot Gallagher is for thinking
he might be top scorer!

How they rated?

I. McMeckan 7
Untested but confident and comfortable when called
upon

B. Slater 8
Commanding and a real leader at the back

P. Harris 7
Found time to foray forwards as well as being solid
defensively

G. Howard 8
A towering performance

T. Perrett 9
Quality delivery and unlucky not to score (withdrawn,
again)

R. Utting 9
Another great display from Mr Reliable

C. Wilson 7
A real father figure on the pitch

I. Jelbert 8
Solid and strong in centre midfield

M. Barrett 9
Hat trick hero

D. Winton 9
Five goals a real supermarket sweep

C. Gallagher 10
World class performance

T. Boucher 8
Quality replacement shows depth of squad

A. Higgins 11
Great decision to remove Perrett

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Chiswick 90K

Last Sunday afternoon saw The Capital Canaries take time off from playing football to gamely participate in two tests of stamina taking place around the London district. The irrelevant Nike 10K drew the attraction of a few of the squad, while the bulk of the team took part in the Chiswick 90K uniquely held on pitch 4, Civil Service Sports Ground, Chiswick. The first minor problem of the day occurred with the realisation that not only were the big C's completing their 90K dash on a wind swept sports field, Aberdeen United F.C were holding a soccer training match on the same pitch.

With the advantage of an extra 30 mins warm up 3 of the Canary Joggers chose to take a soccer ball and fresh from researching and collating proven warm up techniques in Clairefontaine, discarded them and punted balls at an empty net, gaining a particular sense of achievement from smashing the ball in the corner from 6 yrds.....unopposed. The emergence of Utting, with the red 'C' band proudly wrapped (3 times) around his left water pistol, prompted a Higuita scorpion kick from Gappy that will have sent reverberations surely felt by our yellow wearing brothers half way across the world.

2 minutes and 37 seconds before the big hooter was blown, the remaining athletes jogged out - impressed by the temporary goalkeeping display of Chris ' I'm really keen and can make my eyes go really big' Gallagher. Seconds later the race began.
0- 20K With Aberdeen United FC kicking off their practice match at the same time the first 20 kilometers of the run was a hectic and passionate affair. In an amazing display of versatility the Canaries, uninvited, joined in with the soccer game and for a while ran the show. The midfield trio linked well, giving some appetizing balls for the wing backs to apply their Paul Daniels like trickery, and in what was a contrast to the rest of the race, actually supplied ball to the otherwise starved feet of the strikers. The early commitment paid a whopping Vodafone like dividend, a slick move led to Gappy racing down the wing with a perfect crossing opportunity. Gallagher, Davies and Perret's waited in anticipation, their goal scoring taste buds on full secretion mode, dripping like Bouncer's Pink Tongue on a walk with Helen Daniels and Hannah. Gappy looked up, crossed, and accidentally bent the ball into the top right corner; 1-0 Canaries.
21K - 45K Happy with the goal the Canaries left the game and got back to what they were really there to do - run. As the kilometers clocked up they were entertained by the animated shouts of Angus McMoanalot and Bonny McUrBiast, both particularly non-instrumental in the Scots practice sesh. In a strange break from the monotony, Bennett spotted a stanchion 50ft up a near by tree, with a ball fortuitously rolling towards him, and encouraged by the firm words of 'make sure' from Howard, he did just that.

46K - 73K Buoyed by the belief that the hardest part of the race was done, the Canaries started the downhill section of the course with a spring in their spikes. Unfortunately a wrong turn early on led the pack onto a frustratingly familiar uphill surface. Reports in the press that Higgins was still fuming from his recent loss in the 'I decide what time we kick off' celebrity deathmatch, were confirmed with some tremendous yet very firm, last ditch tackles on unsuspecting Aberdeen trainees.

74K With the light beginning to glow at the end of the proverbial tunnel, the younger of the Hoofus McDoofus brothers at the back of the Aberdeen defense launched another ball into outer space. With moon dust fresh on the surface the ball re-entered the atmosphere, took a horrible bounce and was knocked into the back of the net by a curly haired haggis. For once Neil, the only runner to wear gloves, could not batter the ball away.

75K - 90K With some athletes feeling the pace and others just plain disgusted by all that running, the Canaries got involved with a little more soccer playing for the final 15 kilometers. Back from holiday, radiant Frazier, despite suffering from sunburn on his left calf gamely played on, mainly in the centre circle and instigated a few final kilometer moves. Gallagher, fresh from a spell of running on the left wing sent a header just over, and Davies and Gappy also went close, the older Hoofus McDoofus putting in a few game saving challenges.

As the Canaries broke the finishing tape, the Aberdeen practice match finished and the players started their 3 mile trudge back to the showering areas. The final controversy of the day occurred over the unusually expensive post match drinks. With Gappy many votes ahead in the man of the match poll, the manager decided there was slightly more chance of a match report from......anyone else but Gappy ....and 'recommended' the remaining votes were wasted on Jelbert.