Secret Sundays 12/02/06

As P Don made his pitch inspection at the civil service sports ground yesterday afternoon, Capital Canaries manager Andrew Higgins was already texting his boys to tell them not to make the trip to Chiswick. The reason for this was that Higgins had already taken a look at the pitch, and his degree in Agriculture and Land-Based studies told him that there was no way that the game could go ahead. As the following report will show, Higgins' foresight was a blessing in disguise.

As the text came through various members of the Norwich team were otherwise indisposed, and the truth is that had the game gone ahead, the yellows may not have had many players available to put London Rangers to the sword.

10.32 am

Vice-Captain Marvel Dan Taylor awakes to the bleeping of his mobile phone. He has no idea where he is although he has never previously been outside the borough of Clapham so he knows that he is in that area somewhere. As his eyes get used to the light he tenses up immediately. He realises that he has a belt tied around his neck loosely, which is also attached to the light on the ceiling. Various questions go round his head.....Why have I got no clothes on? Why have I got an orange in my mouth? Why have my genitals been stapled to a poster of Sam Parkin, the famously mis-firing Ipswich Town striker? He reaches for his phone and is relieved when he sees the game has been called off.

10.33 am

Callum Wilson is settling down to a pre-match meal of veal, snails, pain au chocolate, baguettes, onions and haggis. His wife is there, but he has forgotten her name. His daughter is there, but she has no idea who he is. Luckily for Callum it matters not, for he has his armchair, his bankers blazer and his trusty speccy glasses. Suddenly, and out of nowhere, the plug is pulled from his Scrooge McDuck-esque money vault and the coins all start spilling onto the streets of Earls Court. Wilson runs out to the vault, screaming like Tim Howard on Speed, and sinks to his knees a broken man as all around him, hundreds of Australian barmen scramble around for his hard-earned money. Well, his money anyway. Frazer's final act of the day was to look at his mobile phone, and sigh as he saw the text saying that the game was off.

10.34 am

 Meanwhile, in Eton, Barnaby Slater awoke from his slumber when his butler walked in carrying his gold-plated mobile phone on a silver platter. Once the butler had finished him off in his mouth, Slater took the time to read the messages that had come in. The first one was from his old pal Sir Marcus Digby-Smythe. The message said "Was bloody sloshed last night, can't believe you poured that jereboam of champagne all over your wee willie winkie". Upon reading the message, Slater asked his butler to remove the white sediment on the corner of his mouth, and to send a reply to Digby-Smythe telling him to "Sod orrrffffff". Slater then read the second message, and was pleased to see that the Norwich game had been called off later that day.

10.34 am

Somewhere in Britain, the 6th annual Dale Winton lookalike convention was coming to its grand finale. The dead ringers had been whittled down to the final two. On one side of the stage was one Matt Davies of South London. On the other side of the stage was Dale Winton, also of London. As the final votes were totted up, both men looked nervous, exchanging glances from across the stage. The judge, Cilla Black, famously a friend of Dale Winton - took her time in announcing the winner. Finally it was time....she opened the envelope..... "and the winner, chuck, is......Matt Davies"! The crowd erupted, Dale Winton was furious and Matt Davies opened up his mobile phone to see that the game was off. Although it didn't matter - as he wasn't playing anyway, as he had a date that afternoon with Ms Cillaaaaaaaaaa blaaaaaaaaaccccckkkk.

10.35 am

Elsewhere Tom Perrett was in his rape pit, Matt Semple was negotiating with Chris Pattern in Hong Kong, the Seech brothers were trying to work out how to spell their own surnames, Pete Harris was having a secret meeting with Will Carling and Shane Warne, Chris Gallagher was still in The Venue New Cross, Tom Boucher was attempting a jump over the great wall of China, Andy Parling was running, Rich Stephenson was being wise and Rick Utting was moonlighting as Frodos stunt double.

Thank god the game was called off.

Norwich City Vs London Rangers. 12/2/06. Match preview

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Just ask Loretta Bobbit, this weeks Capital Canaries mascot, who has agreed to come to the game in order to focus Norwich City on the beating that they need to hand out this Sunday to make up for the 2-1 reverse in the corresponding fixture late last year.

Bobitt is of course infamous for her slight over-reaction when she heard of her husband John's infidelity a couple of decades ago. However, Norwich manager Andy Higgins is confident that her presence around the dressing room will not cause any worry to his team's confidence, despite her penchant for male genitals and steak knives....

"I think Loretta is a great example of how we should stop at nothing to get revenge when we have been wronged. Earlier this season London Rangers mugged us good and proper, so I have asked Ms Bobitt to come in and explain how she cut off her husband's penis when she found out that he had wronged her and to give us some ideas on how to really turn the heat up on the opposition. If nothing else, it should teach a couple of our wannabe rockstars to keep their cocks in their pants for once. In fact, the only worry I have is that Slater may try and befriend her before the game and take his mind off the job"

On the pitch, Norwich are on a great run, unbeaten since before Christmas and having stormed into the semi-finals of the Dave Baister cup with a 5-1 beating of Birmingham City a couple of weeks ago. In that game, centre-half Gareth Howard cracked a couple of ribs, although the rumours that it was caused by the air pressure from his forrays past the half-way line have so far proven unfounded. Also out this week will be the yellows' 'bit of rough' Matt Davies. He is probably at a stag do or a Dale Winton lookalike convention.

With the squad looking strong, and a good run of results behind them Norwich will be looking to turn the screw and punish London Rangers. However, complacency is a dangerous thing, just like sucking an orange through a razorblade. Norwich must be wary of the roar of the Rangers, who will be looking for their first ever double over the Carrow Road outfit.

Unbiased Journalist's prediction: 3-1 Yellows

Venue: Civil Service Sports Ground
Kick Off: 2pm

Norwich Squad:

Bennett
Boucher
Gallagher
Harris
Higgins
Parling
Perrett
Seecharan N
Semple
Slater
Stephenson
Taylor
Utting
Wilson

Norwich City 5 : 1 Birmingham

When a team strolls to its fourth consecutive win, amassing 16 goals in the process, team selection should be a foregone conclusion. This wasn’t the case however for Norwich tyrant Higgins, who with no fewer than 4 first team regulars returning, was left with several awkward decisions to make. Make them he did, and sticking to the team that destroyed Crewe the previous week, he named an unchanged line-up.

 

This meant that for Parling, Boucher, Stephenson, Seecharan, and Harris a place on a very strong bench was awaiting them – and believe me the durability of the said bench was tested fully with the complied weights of the portly looking five far in excess of a Rick Waller / Michelle McManus Duet.

 

With the game kicking off in near perfect conditions, Norwich didn’t get off to the flyer that in previous weeks has seen games won even before Harris has had the chance to smoke his customary 4 first half cigarettes.

On a narrow and short pitch they struggled to dominate Birmingham, whose 4-5-1 formation stood up well to Norwich’s 3-5-2, which meant that in the opening exchanges defender Howard found himself playing a support role in midfield, a position he acclimatised to as a whale takes to the Thames.

 

However fears of an Exeter style tactical calamity were slightly eased, when Taylor opened the scoring.

Rick Utting delivered he’s first perfect ball of the afternoon, and the handsome Taylor shrewdly lost his marker, notching he’s sixth of the season with a textbook header (You’re right, 6 for a centre back? that is good).

 

Where in previous weeks Norwich have built on early gains to see off opponents, this time Birmingham coped admirably and fought their way back into the game. 10 minutes before the interval, they were thrown a lifeline, when caught with his Y-Fronts firmly down Higgins cynically conceded a penalty.

With Perrett busy signing autographs for 13year old girls, Birmingham broke down the right, where a low delivered cross was met by the hand of god (as he likes to be known in the bedroom), and Higgins misdemeanour was penalised.

Lucky to stay on the pitch the cute blonde protested but to no avail, with the spot kick levelling things up at 1-1.

 

Half Time.

 

Feeling the mangers wrath Perrett was given the opportunity to further he’s relationships with the autograph hunters joining them on the sidelines and making way for Boucher, to add some northern grit into midfield.

 

Early exchanges in the second half were few and far between, so it was apt the goals third game was set up by an error. Scuffing the ball from a goal kick, the keepers poor clearance was controlled well by Gallagher, who breaking clear rounded the keeper and finished coolly, leaving him to celebrate knowing he’d fully earnt that evening’s pop-corn chicken feast.

Birmingham inevitably came forward creating good pressure in midfield, but they found it hard to release the final through ball, and to find their forward who was firmly tucked in Taylor’s pocket.

 

Not so assure of his teams fate though, and perhaps fearing a Birmingham equaliser and the possibility of having to break sweat in extra time, Bennett sealed the tie with a tidy finish from another Utting corner. He’s first chance was blocked well by the defender, but when the ball broke back to him Bennett’s left foot swinger connected sweetly with ball lodging in the far left top corner.

 

Soon after this the game was finally decided when Boucher finished off a great Norwich move. Superb work from Callum Wilson released Utting with a back heel, whose pace took him to the by-line, and cutting the ball back superbly Boucher timed he’s run well, calmly nutmegging the keeper.

 

Muttering “I’m better than this shit, do they not know who I am?” Slater joined Pat Butcher on the sidelines - making way for Parling who immediately announced himself by conceding a free kick with a shrug of he’s narrow shoulders.

 

Stephenson soon followed at the expense of a disappointed Gallagher, still hoping to win his first header of the season.

 

With a more ‘experienced’ forward line looking for Norwich goals, Birmingham could afford to throw men forward safely in the fact that the leisurely attackers wouldn’t catch them out. However looks can be deceiving and when Stephenson broke clear he won Norwich another corner.

 

Tired of setting up goals, and tired of scoring them, Utting and Taylor let their body doubles Boucher and Davies get in on the act. Boucher nonchalantly swung in the corner to the six yard spot, where Davies completed the afternoons scoring with the ladies favourite stooping to the head clinically past the keeper.

 

The final whistle soon followed and trailing off to the clubhouse Norwich celebrated by watching HMP Stoke vs. HMP Rangers fight for the right to get knocked out in the next round.

 

Post match celebrations were slightly soured with the news that keeper Semple had been offered and accepted a lucrative contract in the Far East, and that Perrett a la Sol had shacked up in Barrymore’s pad with he’s new 13 year old braced lady friend, amid fears of a breaking story in Mondays ‘Sun’.

 

Good game well done and that. Don’t ever vote me mom again. 8pm on a Wednesday just to write this shit. Also haven’t read it back, so if it’s borderline artistic/autistic please forgive me.

 

I love you all,

Love,

Dan.

 

Dave Baister Cup: Semi-Final Draw

High tension at an undisclosed location nr Soho Square. Despite the general mood pervading the league that it was "business as usual" for perennial league-toppers Hibs and Glasgow Rangers, last year's finalists Norwich City and Division 2 tearaway leaders Manchester United, there is just something about the "magic" of the cup, evident in the cheeky schoolboy grins and unbridled excitement of the clubs' representatives at the draw!

Having squirreled tirelessy behind the scenes to bring some glamour to this year's Cup proceedings, League Secretary Nick Seecharan proudly introduced to the hushed and expectant audience, 2006 regional Miss UK finalists, Miss Scotland, Miss Essex and Miss Surrey to officiate the draw.

First out of the Hat ... London Hibs, drawn by Miss Scotland. Furrowed brows in the Hibs camp, at the prospect of having to organise the "home" tie. Second out of the hat, courtesy of Miss Essex ... Norwich City! Cheers ring out from the Glasgow Rangers delegation, further furrowed brows in the Hibs camp - despite beating Norwich City in last year's final by a country mile, their 2 shock defeats at the hands of City during this campaign remain the only games Hibs have lost since March 2004.

Third out of the hat, courtesy of Miss Surrey ... Glasgow Rangers, who will host Manchester United. Despite their initial euphoria, Glasgow Rangers later admit, "there are no easy games in the Cup", reflecting on their slimmest of victory margins versus Stoke in the Quarters, where an equaliser in the dying seconds of inury time allowed them to sneak through on pens. Manchester United's delegation respond coyly, stating "We're just happy to be here -we didn't care who we got", deftly throwing open their strategic tool-box with an early attempt at lulling the opposition into a fall sense of security! Cup magic continued into the evening with each Miss UK hopeful swiftly adopting a camp of their choosing, and the melodic snatches of feverous ingoing/ outgoing texts wafting through the air ... all the way to Wembley one imagines (if Matt Davies ever finishes building it!)

London Hibs v Norwich City
Glasgow Rangers v Manchester United

Good Luck Chaps. "Victory comes to those who want it the most" (EA Sports!)