13th January 2008.
Such truly horrific scenes haven’t been witnessed since the mid-wife got her hands down and dirty at the business end of Jade Goodie’s first birth.
Exeter vs. Norwich was an ugly match.
If it was a footballer the game would have been Lee Hughes, a football team - Cardiff, a country - Wales, a celebrity - Leslie Grantham.
That sort of dirt.
Traditionally the only solace in games like these is that Norwich boasts a team of ding-dong gents to look at.
Self appointed ‘Dream-Boat’ Davies can be guaranteed to put on a show for the ladies, whilst on occasions the ‘sun’ tanned Boucher emits a glare so bright you can’t actually see the game in progress. Obviously a bonus on days like these.
However with the Dreamboat firmly moored and anchored in Tooting Harbour, and Boucher’s tan-stand smart card drained of minutes in the run-up to Christmas, not even the mature duo could give the game any visual beauty.
For such an appalling game it was apt that Slater and Perrett kicked off proceedings. The pair - riddled with disease and infection – looked how the game was to unfold. The previous nights sex-capades had clearly taken there toll, and not even a late night visit to discuss ‘tactics’ with Jermaine Pennants dad had proved helpful to the double act.
The whistle signalled a turning point for our ‘hero’, whose identity from here on will be protected by the pseudonym Plan Z.
Plan Z played the ball to Slater, and like that shit-bag film ‘Sliding Doors’ Plan Z drifted off to another reality, another consciousness.
Everyone else maintained their focus on the game in hand (maybe we’ll call it ‘The Good, The Bad, The Ugly’), whilst Plan Z drifted, finding himself the star of another film. . .
Love Trip Actually:
Plan Z was all of a sudden playing on a beautiful green turf, bathed in glorious sunshine. His team-mates became cuddly bunnies sipping rainbow-fizz cocktails, nibbling on lollipops, with the opposition appearing in the form of wind-up toy soldiers.
At first it appeared that the previous nights dose of lysergic acid diethylamide coursing through his veins had altered plan Z’s perception, but a further look at events made it clearer. . .
His game unfolded with the bunnies skipping clear of the toy soldiers, repeatedly beating them. At times Plan Z seemed stationary, unable to move from where he was, despite the fact the world around him was moving, he had no energy or motivation, his only fuel romance and the hint of spring love in the air.
It was clear now; Plan Z although heavily dosed and lethargic, was high. High on romance. Plan Z was in love, and he didn’t care who knew it.
The battle for him was won, his day was over, the latter-day-lothario had left South West London, his mind already on the following Saturday night, and a romantic trip with his fair maiden, and how to add to his special dating ‘moves’ of assisting with taking her coat off, gently dabbing his dates mouth to dry her lips, and easing her chair from under the table to let her sit.
Plan Z was gone, selfishly, and some would say cowardly, leaving his team-mates to fight the battle. . . a battle they won.
The Good:
Taylor’s through ball for Tetts penalty.
Tetts subsequent dive.
Tetts Finish for his second.
Keep’s save from Higgins sliced clearance.
Dave on the right
Slats’s senior and his support.
Evers finish.
Gareth sitting with his hands down his pants, smoking.
The Bad:
Tetts Penalty
Their keeper for letting in Tetts Penalty.
Decision to make Slats captain
The Ugly:
The Match
The Pitch
Decision not to make a Taylor captain.
Their penalty.
Plan Z.
Norwich 3-0 Exeter
Monk, Higgins, Taylor, Boucher, Perrett, Revill, Tett, Slater (c), Dave, Stubbs, Evers.
Mom (by unanimous decision) Taylor.
Never again.
